I'm going to laugh...

I hate being laughed at, so instead,

I'm going to laugh everyday until it hurts, so you can't hurt me. so you can't take that away from me.. Because this is truly funny. This is a new form of comedy that when looked at from the inside could actually be a tragedy.. But I'm going to laugh constantly, my heart will not be beaten on consistently, she must beat on her own persistently. I'm going to laugh everyday until it hurts so bad I can't do anything else but cry... and crawl in my bed and scream through sobs why?! WHY?! I'm going to laugh everyday, until you finally go away. Just because you said you will, doesn't erase you in one whole day. I'm going to laugh everyday, until the absurdity becomes clarity...because right now this is really fuzzy to me.

I'm not even sure I believe it myself. I was doing so well till you brought me back to my hell... Oh life and it's fucced up ways, I'm going to laugh at you everyday. Do you hear me life? I laugh at your intentional strife! You will not defeat me, only I can do that.

So I'm going to laugh everyday until I can honestly say: I hate you. The rest of it, is completely up to you.

The World's Not Ready For Us (Part 2)

I sat down to write part two of a very immature but still perfectly representative poem I wrote about my best friend back in high school. It's been a struggle, because I'm worried it will be received wrong. Much like I always worried we would be; received wrong. And then I realized, that's exactly the point. The poem will always be received wrong, because the world's not ready for us.

Sometimes, on purpose,
I'll pick a fight. Just to see how long it goes,
if it'll last beyond the night.

Sometimes, on purpose,
I'll make myself cry.
Because I feel that you still see me,
like I'm just one of the guys.

Sometimes, you irk me.
Really, really irk me.
But I love you anyway,
because I know I do the same,
every other day.

Sometimes, you're really wrong.
And you know I'm right,
But insist on fighting your fight.
Give up sometimes, it'll feel better
than the struggle of who knows better.

Sometimes, alone I'll smile.
Because I know if I called,
you'd at least chat for a while.
In company or not, you've
always put me first...
Which is probably why I'm the girl
a chic will curse..

Sometimes, you're too stubborn.
But you wouldn't be you if you weren't.
I've accepted every flaw in you (not many),
And you know all of mine...
No one else today would truly spend the time
to get to know me. And that's fine.

Sometimes,
I wish we were married,
So I wouldn't have to fear being alone
it would be perfect.
I love you enough to say I do but I'm not in love with you
so you can do what you do...
And I know you get that!!!
Which would make our marriage even more true.

Sometimes,
I wish you'd take me seriously,
like when I feel like I might die and
you barely even ask why?
I do cry... out of anger..
And you're the only one that knows that.
Everyone else just thinks I'm sad, but fucc that.

Sad is of the weak,
but my tears are not defeat..
Rather a passive aggression that I choose,
I choose to avoid the aggravation.

Sometimes when I sleep,
I laugh to myself at your last story.
The funny one you told me?
It's a comfort when I'm angry.

Sometimes I miss you too much
Sometimes you become my clutch..
Sometimes, I'm not ready for us.
But the world's not ready for us.
Sometimes, I challenge my trust...
Just to see where it will lead us.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see you on the other side.
And that's when I know, You'll always be by my side.
Thank you.

This isn't about me.

This poem isn't about me. It's about you. Before you fall on the defensive, then I can't really help you.

you,
and your broken heart,
broken soul and twisted mind.
crying eyes,
fake smiles you hide behind.

you,
are not the same.
you,
are not to blame. See
you,
you have been framed.

You don't like what you do but you do it anyway.
You don't plan on betrayal but it happens...
You have all this in love in you,
You can't see the definitive line in between love and hate though.
You've lost it. Completely.

This poem isn't about me.
It's about you.
the endless list of things you fear in this world,
the countless minutes you've spent thinking. Just thinking.
the continuous struggle of your soul and your mind... you alternate who wins, all the time.
the lack of hope you have left in you.
It's all about you.

You hold the future in your hands but you fear a life with any sans...
Sans love, sans drama, sans happiness, sans sadness.
Sans everything that makes a human being something living.
Sans the you you've become too familiar with,
Sans the you you've come to terms with..
Sans acceptance of the almost impossible.
Sans exceptions to the rules..
Sans the you you think is you.

This poem isn't about me.
It's about you.
See by being about you,
You cannot ignore me..
Me as the conundrum in you.
You cannot deny me,
Me all the things you know you need, that I have.
You cannot erase me truly,
Me is a permanent marker.
You have "sharpied" me into your skin,
You.
you have let the ink from my needle point pen pinch
You.
you cannot give in..

You are not a coward,
You have not lost...
You've only reached a point where you contemplate some loss..
You are not behind... Only too far ahead..
You may end up alone, but maybe
You need to...

You are no more a victim than the cause of your angst... but you will be fine.. You have said your goodbyes, as have I... but goodbyes are for the lost.. and You, you are not lost.

Effects of a Howl

I just read Allen Ginsberg's Howl (for Carl Solomon), and I feel stuck. I have YET to read an American poet like him, and I'm shocked. America is a :melting pot: of cultures, creativity, determination and endless fixations, so how have I not come across anybody that was able to make me read 8 pages of rantings of a psychopathic Jewish (?) man before?? In that regard.. the Effects of a Howl...

Sirens blaring,
the helicopters are alive again.
Flashing lights, gun shots
a baby crying.
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch,
..a heart beat elevated.
Foot steps too close behind at 10:19pm,
panic.
No worries in these streets,
he won't get to me. I am these streets,
I think.

Foot steps closer now, but I'm almost home,
he won't follow me.
Helicopter still alive,
darkness spreads across the sky.
I am not afraid but I am brave,
he WILL NOT follow me.

For I am not a child but a woman of the night,
A woman in a place willing to put up quite the fight.
"Do not fear the night," I hear myself say to me,
I break into a run and the footsteps fade behind me.
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch.
I wasn't scared
... much.

But this is not my home,
I'm a stranger in this place.
the helicopter's alive,
the sirens own the night.
Not I.

I am of another place,
one that tends to sleep,
But if you have insomnia,
like me,
you don't have to sleep.
"The City that Doesn't Sleep."
That's the place of me.

I am of another place,
one where at night
I do not race.
Home is all these streets to me,
and fear will never win,
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch,
do not exist here.

But my streets are not bare,
the baby does still cry,
When I reach "home" at night
I stop to watch the sky.
I listen to the night.
No sirens.
No helicopters are alive.
No footsteps linger behind me.
No man I cannot see.

I stop to watch the sky,
for the sound of the wind soothes me.
But sleep does not become me,
so again I leave.

Howl for my streets
Howl for my night,
Howl to the sky, and
Howl for a fight.
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch,
do not exist here for me.
"The City that Doesn't Sleep"
eventually they will find me.

The New Dirty

I haven't written an inappropriate poem since the first PhilaLive, shouts to Dom the Konoisseur,
So it's time to rouse my readers at about 2 am.

Drip drip,
Sweat's stinging my skin and he proceeds to go in me

Sweat so heavy and so sweet i cant feel my feet, so sweet

Chills shivering my spine as our bodies lay intertwined,
I am numb, but I still feel you. Every ounce of you.
And every ounce of you, I want to do.
Yes, you, my sexy chocolate shaded boo.

Drip, Drip,
my eyes are closed and i'm not breathin through my nose
Anymore. I'm gasping for air as you grab at my hair,
and I try to relax as I start to climax
So I can hold on to you. Don't let go,
This is me and there's something I want to show
you. I want to show you all of me open your eyes.
No more lies just the inner mys.

My cup size and my waist line
Breathing deep you can read the signs.
I'm stuck, aching for more of your fine wine.
That juice I know will always be mine.

Don't hide whats best from me,
Let me decide for me
Let me feel you inside of me
Let me lay here playfully.

Take your time, dont be afraid of what you do
Because everything i feel is like something completely new.
You. you introduce a new side of me too,
the forbidden side with what i never knew what to do.

Take me completely, do not leave me longing
Because your body engulfing mine is true belonging
You're my sexy and I'm yours, and I'm glad we're capable of much more behind closed doors.

Drip, drip,
Sweats sliding down my back as we wrestle in the sack
do you feel that?
The me you've been dreaming of? Enjoy that.
Now relax.

When I fell in love.

When I fell in love,
I was afraid of you.
I was afraid of the power within you.
I myself forbade me from you.
But there you were, and
i fell in love with you.

Now what am i supposed to do?
I've wanted you to be my king
and sweet melodies to you i will sing but
bring me something other than a fancy ring,
Bring me you, because i'm in love with you.

NO I'm not obssessed and no I don't feel blessed,
but I love you.
Do what you do and I'll do what I do, while I'm in love with you.
I lost my way a while back but i think im good now as a matter of fact
Because I'm okay with loving you, as long as i don't lose sight of you,
The real you. The you that I fell for, the you that I long for,
The you that only exists in my mind because no one is that perfect.

I love you for the idea of you, and i love that the real you is close enough,
I love that even though i sometimes like it rough you always give me the sensual stuff,
Because you really know me. The real me.
When I fell in love with you I was so, happy.
Because I no longer had to pretend, I was simply me.
No hidden agendas just who I'm meant to be.

I fell in love you, and now I don't know what to do.
Because while you love me too, you're acting a little new..
You can't handle me I come with much expectation so you approach me with hesitation,
which is fine.
But I simply ask that you treat me like a fine wine.
You're running out of time, and I, I like to rhyme.
Because when you steer me wrong, this is where I go.

When I fell in love, I was the happiest woman alive. Now I'm fighting hard to hold on to that drive. Of loving you, and loving me loving you.

21 and No One.

Happy Birthday to me... Monday I turned 21, and I woke up in an awkward emotional state. (I spent half the day having random outbursts of tears, some warranted bust most not and for that I apologize). I realized, when I woke up, that I'm 21 years old... and I, am no one.

My family doesn't see me,

My dog, she just ignores me.

My friends they never get me.

My men, they never keep me.

I, am no one.

My list of accomplishment's pretty short,

My public service announcement? a bland report.

My heart's run empty, since I hit abort.

My soul is dark without support

Because I, am no one.

I close my eyes, and count to three.

And when they open, I should be free.

But I am not, cause I can't see.

The girl I was, or woman to be.

I, am no one.

I am young,

I am naive.

I'm not a genius, I just perceive.

I am clever,

I am strong,

At my weakest, I right my wrong.

*I am no one, for now.

Where my soul used to be.

There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be...

I think I lost it some time long ago but I just didn't take the time to know-tice.
There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be.
Now if you look at me, you'll see right through me.
Straight through the other parts of me, they don't matter.
They're just ticking time bombs that will one by one shatter.
Cause this hole in the place where my soul used to be,
was the only thing holding together all the rest of me.

There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be,
I don' t give a shit about who I used to be.
Without my soul I can never be she,
So with this hole I'm a new version of me, but I don't wanna be!
A hole in the place,
A hole.
Where my soul used to be was the chamber of the essence of me,
But now that i'm incomplete I don't know who I am.
I just wanna find the soul that used to be in me...
I feel empty, slightly light headed, you see.
Cause I'm choking on the lack of flow of oxygen to me.
There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be.

Have you seen it?

1 Year Ago

If I would've known, a year ago from today, that it would almost destroy me... I don't think I would've invested as much time as I have in what we had.. Don't get me wrong it was a great experience for me, you see you were the only person around that made me free, and now a year later I'm feelin more chained and contained than ever before and I don't appreciate this. I wish I didn't wish to erase everything that happened a year ago. Because it wasn't bad, at first. Everything was cool, you, were cool. Then things took a turn for the optimistic worse (yea, optimistic). There's a reason I can't find my place because I'm hiding behind a face that's smiling at you. And you, and you.... But what I knew before I no longer do. I've stayed far away from this admittance that I'm apparently giving into now, but I still just don't see how it was all taken away from me. Losing a close friend is like a death in the family, a death in my family, a death in part of me, the end of something that I felt fulfilled my need; completion. All I ever needed was to NOT feel incomplete, and you gave that to me, in a weird but interesting kinda way. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that If I knew 1 year ago what I know now, I would've been more like me.

Why I want to be a writer.

1am conversations make for the most interesting discoveries about yourself. After a mock phone interview in which my friend who's always pushing me to be better (thank you), asked me Why I want to be a writer. I had the easiest answer ever, and he saw right through me. SO, in a second attempt to answer this question that will probably become the most important question on all of my future interviews, enjoy.

I want to be a writer because I can say whatever, whenever, and I won't be able to take it back. Too many people are afraid to let people know them, but when I become the best writer I can be, the world will have an endless invitation to the documentation of what is me. You say me at my simplest form is the real me. I say you've got it wrong. Me at my most difficult form is the real me. Difficult in the way that I approach a situation and form my articulation because if life was as simple as you make me out to be, then I'm not sure I belong here. I was put on this earth for a reason just like everyone else, and I'm convinced. Convinced that my purpose is to be a writer. I'm only following the path I chose at such a young age and I know that one day, I'll reach the end of the road. Holding a crinkly moist piece of paper and a chewed up pencil in my hand, I'll reach the end of the road and barely be able to stand. Because my journey would be at an end, and I'd hope deep down you'd get the message I send. The message telling you why I've always wanted to be a writer. I want to be a writer because it's all I've ever known. It's the only release I have when I can't quite speak my thoughts. So instead of thinking, I grab my pen and start scribbling.

It's a little messy, I know. But if it wasn't, then it wouldn't be the real me.

When there's no goodbye

It has occurred to me that in the last couple of years there's been a series of entrances and exits in my life without legit goodbyes and while I'm not a fan of goodbyes, I'd rather have them than wonder if someone's still around. You know? Maybe not. But I'm just saying, a good bye text couldn't hurt.

Disclaimer: This is just an angry rant... no reflection of how I feel about anyone in particular, because quite frankly, there's too many that forget to say goodbye. But don't worry, I won't hold it against you if you at least attempt to say hi, someday.

I mean if you're done, you're done right? I won't put up a fight if you're taking flight but tell me before you go. I think I deserve to know, No I demand to know because you have always been free to go but why now? And even better, is it that you don't know how to tell me you're a cow-ard? Don't take that offensively and please don't respond defensively, it's only a truth from my perspective after months of feeling rejected but can you blame me? I'm just going off the way things seem to be especially, since I can't see the you that used to want me. It's cool no blues on my end I'm chillin with the same ol' fools where little boys drool at the ladies that were always too-cool-for-school, and do you know where they've placed me? The out of place out of sync out of the ordinary chic that left the nest because she ventured off, at best to find something better than nothing but I was frontin cause that something, was worse than nothing, because it was something that wouldn't last. I always knew it wouldn't last. I checked the weather this morning and the forecast? Cloudy with a chance of meeting another ass. Yeah, you're an ass but in a good way. you see everybody needs an ass to rant about, no doubt cause we're just looking for things to talk about, things to fuss about, and you happened to be that thing for a while. Don't take it personal that you're an object of my rant that you see is on a slant cause my head's still hanging sideways as I try to decipher your rye ways. Silly silly me. The absence of your words slap my face and I'm standing in an empty space, blubbering. If you wanted to go all you had to do was say goodbye.

Per your request.

I havent been on my blog in FOREVER, because of my month long riff with Comcast in Philly... holdin me up verbally for a whole 4 weeks. sad I know, but I'm back..

And as intoxicated is my second name today, i must speak for a bit.

Per your request,
I'm back on my game..
No more days waiting silent in this game,
No more nights hoping that he'll say my name..
I'm ready for the change since nothing is the same.

Fall 09, my fourth and my last,
this chapter of my life is about to be the past.
3 years of destruction sure did go pretty fast,
But I'm not worried now, cause my future has been cast.-ed

My heart no longer yearns for what she so deserves,
And my body's over aching for what she cant preserve.
A final chance at this might finally conserve,
The feeling that i know I hold in my reserve.

Per your request,
I'm plugging in my emotions.
Because the thought of your thoughts, is a truly lethal potion.
And I'm driven ever more, my mind's set back into motion.
Per your request, I re-establish my devotion.

I promise more is to come*

Abstract forms..

Poetry isn't about your ability to rhyme... or your ability to say or write something that sounds nice together.. it is simply an abstract form of expression, something you find makes you think more on an issue than you ever have before, because you didn't realize it could be that deep. Take 24 hours for example:

It's the limit placed on your day, a constant reminder of how much more time you need for the plans circling in your head but did you ever stop and say, why 24 hrs when time always runs out? Why limit a person's time to accomplish what she truly wants without racing against a clock that will ALWAYS win.... why set us up for failure everyday because 24 hours is simply a number most of us find a mockery of all the things we need to do?

That's nothing crazy.. actually it might even be trash depending on who's reading.. but i really just wanted a minute to freehand.. just because.

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans, rains tap tap tappin on the window panes and I am not my hair's humming in the back ground... 97 dread locks all long, sometimes i wish my curls were still long. Left my insecurity at the door because this year's gonna end and I have no idea what's in store for me. September 4 weeks away, DC bound or here in Philly I shall stay.. anxiety risin like chunks of venom in my throat as anticipation of my participation's got me real impatient!! life's at a stand still, coffee's dried up in the pot, counter top's stained.

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans, bedroom's still warm and opened closet doors, childhood demons already escaped and my own worst fear is made reality... facing the man in the closet... the evil man that plagued my youth.. the invisible man that's been hurtin me.. because all this time i keep askin who is he?? You know the storm will always floww.. .But if the sun don't shine forever, I gotta let it go.. you gotta let it go, ooooos on the pandora, Treo goin off but im stuck in my flow.. Sorry if i lost you this is just the way it goes.

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans, a lamp desk and a G Shock... alicia keys starts playin and i let her rock.. No one can get in the way of what I'm sayin, and quite frankly maybe no one will even understand what I'm sayin..

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans.. this is my life and right now, stress it is sans.

Choked Up

I came home determined to write something...
But I don't where to start.
I'm choked up on my thoughts, let alone my words
Because I'm biting my tongue not to use my verbal sword.

An awkward emotional reaction is what I like to call it..
When rage wells up in my eyes and tears try not to fall.
I'm aggravated, annoyed... Slightly lonely but not destroyed.

What you fail to see is the strength that is within me,
So if you have something say....Let it out, please don't shield me.

I can handle what you, may think I cant..
Because all it will take to be done with,
Is a short and sweet verbal rant*

Battle of the Voices (Part 1)

Anger is my best emotion..
it fits me well, guides me even better...
It's a perfect mask when you hide behind a flask.
"drink up lil lady, before the business starts gettin shady.
You know the drill, everything's happening the same lately.
Think about it.. do you hate me?
For placing this glass in your hand n letting this toxic substance take thee?"

Who the fucc are you???
Get out of my head and leave me to drown instead!
In the sorrows that have become me, the headache that has won me..
I Quit. I don't think I ever wanted to do it..
All the drama all the karma is swirling around me and it only settles,
When I sip...
Sip this blood-colored liquid that keeps me from boiling over cause I'm livid.

Stop asking your ignorant questions, leave your guilty conscience elsewhere...
Because right now, my drink n this cloud of smoke is for all I really care.
Do you hear me? I'm done!
Bitter heartless bitch you say?
Ok.
Be that way...
Your lack of understanding is the difference here, night and day.

"I will love you anyway, even if you cannot stay,"

Stop!!

"Ohh, sweet thing.. don't you know you're my everything?"

No, you to me, are simply nothing.

Fresh Start

i started my new internship today with Philly Weekly and I must say, I am smitten with excitement for what the rest of the summer has in store for me... But with this new internship come a new beginning.. a fresh start.

I didn't like the feeling I was getting from my last internship.. I felt falsified, almost an inanimate object, an unmovable force with no real discourse for the next three months, and it scared the hell outta me. I was sitting at my desk and happened to be email-checking (one of the many addictions that helped me get through my NY Mondays..) I was trying to stick it out cause I loved the feeling of being in my city for a taste of its flavor, but it wasn't real.. The taste I expected to be sweet, was only sweet to my eyes, but bitter on my tongue. It wasn't Frank Sinatra who had sung, New York State of Mind was only sung by an impostor, and that sweet bus ride only became a trip down memory lane.. A trip I wasn't ready to repeat every week for the next 12 weeks.. so I had to cut it loose before the cancer chewed me up... I was suffocating in my own beloved city. And somehow feeling at home in this strange "second city..." Philly.

Giving credit where it's due, my life here is always something new. It's my escape when the hardships or depression starts to rape my emotional state of being when I'm home.. Could it be, that my default Philly residency as made me truly Philly? It's a fresh start, and today showed me there's more hear than I ever cared, or dared, to look for... What else is in store? Where am I going from here? It's a fresh start, and the most darkest thing on my mind is lighter than anything I felt before my move.... Maybe that was what I needed.. a new setting, a new social surrounding, a new genre of entertainment, and a new aspect of my own endeavors... Who knew I'd even think about video... who knew I would be published Day 1 at Philly Weekly!

I'm excited, yet I'm scared. Because all that I use to fear, is no longer really here.. I'm almost too comfortable to be comfortable with the way this new start is looking.. So I'm relaxing and not stressing, and this summer I'll be "booking." (novel writing, oh the possibilities for the end of the summer....)

Until then, enjoy my video story on Philadelphia's Bloomsday Celebration.

Consider This.

Every step you take to defeat me, works.
But when all is said and done, the cleansing process has long begun.
The pain is a blur, almost a pleasure to me now....
The happiness that I once felt is long gone for me now.
The effort that I put forth,
Seems no longer of any worth.
The you that meant the world to me,
I've found a way to let it be.
So when it feels easiest to erase me from existence...
Know that your persistence meets certain consequence,
And that is, an absolute absence.

My Bare Naked Soul

After a long discussion this week with a fellow respectable writer-type friend... I've reached a frightening revelation.... outsiders have sensed my hesitation... and criticized me for it.... so I'm simply vowing this: no more sugar-coated goodness on my end....no more happy endings that never really are the end... no more leaving untouched forbidden angles.... I'm baring me in entirety... That being said... this is my bare naked soul.
(think of this as an updated version of the Essence of Tara*)

Maybe I thought I was fooling some of you, but
Fooling myself now that would never be true.
I'm a tower of strength when I want to be....
But maybe not so much when I actually need to be.
I'm an emotion-less being who enjoys an occasional opportunity to cry...
So if I'm in a type of mood don't bother to ask me why.
I find myself angry only at people that matter to me....
So it's actually a good thing if I find something maddening.
It's when I brush you off with a laugh or a loose shake of my head...
Because you're just wasting precious time that I could be cherishing instead.
I'm considerate...probably more so than anyone you know,
Excuse me, but fucc you if sometimes I have to let that go.
When the drama reaches unnecessary levels my mind goes slightly disheveled,
So i laugh.
Laugh because I have inappropriate reactions to unfortunate events..
Not cry because I'd rather hold it in until I can really vent.
Give me a reason to hold a grudge,
And from my stubborn state I promise not to budge.

: I'm simply a woman trying to leave a tiny footprint on your life... I'm not here to cause you grief but more of a sort of relief.. maybe even a release, when you find yourself stuck cause you shouldn't give a fucc but everything's gone amuck, and all that's left is my somewhat relevant words that hopefully you will have heard. I'm the voice inside your head that you've sometimes even wished dead, because even though you know that i'm right, it's me that you still continue to fight. I'm reason and explanation to your nonsensical fuzzy world. I'm a realistic lady, the product of a broken naive baby.

This me so far I must admit is quite the breeze...
It's tomorrow and 10 years from now that cause my chest to freeze.
Or burn rather, but I'll let you know how that goes,
Because right now, no one knows.

When I Said what I Said

Sometimes people don't really listen to me when I speak, and then they end up being shocked when things happen exactly the way I said they would only they don't remember me saying it! Anywho, to all those confused about what I mean when I say what I say:

When I said what I said, I think it may have pierced an artery,
What I said was simply deafening to the oratory,
When I said what I said, I meant every last word.
I wasn't dancing around the issue, my points were meant to be heard.
Were you listening, when I said what I said?
Or were you too busy, imagining me naked instead?
Naked in body but also in my soul,
You wish you could see what my future will hold..
When I said what I said, I didn't mean to sound cold,
I just wanted you to notice the path that is to unfold.
Truth be told, what I said was rather bold.
And though my arms I may fold, it's my eyes that haven't rolled.... Back
To darkness then around again to reality,
Are you nervous darling? or will you take another stab at me?

When I said what I said, I wasn't looking for a response.
What I said was necessary, intellectually driven, the renaissance.
When I said what I said, I was talking to myself.
Admitting to me how I really felt... a feeling recently I haven't dealt, with.
But then it was over quick.

the words escaped so fast,
I realized their meaning wouldn't last.
When I said what I said,
I was me in all honesty.
did you believe me?

And just like that

The nonchalant response had me second guessing my emotions
but apparently he was exposed to a truly lethal potion.
Today is here... not a week near.
And good bye is at the tip of my tongue but its a dreaded expression my voice just hasn't sung..
Just like that I gave a casual hug,
Just like that my stomach gave an awkward tug...
Just like that I wanted to be a little smug,
So he wouldn't notice my sad little shrug..
Of my incapability of actually convincing he.

Just like that I turned away,
Set out for a quiet alone kinda day.
Just like that I had nothing left to say..
And Just like that I lost my way.
Just like that we parted ways,
Just like that I exited an old phase.
Something like that will lead to some rough days...
But after the tough days will come calmer days..
And I'll eventually be in a better state
When I finally realize that there's nothing left to wait.. for.

Just like that I've found myself missing my most exciting adventure....And just like that I must heal my heart's ragged puncture.

Just like that, i muster up the courage and heave a deep sigh,

Good, bye.

The Random Good Days

I always felt like I wasn't capable expressing myself creatively when I'm in a good mood, but tonight I wanna challenge myself. Honestly, I've said it out loud before and realized how ridiculous it sounds, a poet limiting her ability based on a mood? That's not really a good poet. So lemme give this a shot and regain my own confidence.

Baby Girl - Jay-R feat. Munchie

I don't know what I do to me,
because I never really thought about me..
But today I decided to take a different approach and appreciate myself but still managed not to boast.
It's a beautiful thing to open your eyes with a smile,
Something you thought would be gone for a while....
But I can't complain.. I'm content, or a decent level of the next best thing,
I'm not even sure what it means to be here in this current position...
I used to feel good things but anticipate the worst things,
because good moments lasting too long, usually meant that the best things would soon go completely wrong..
But I'm over that anticipation, because it's not about the soon but the now...
it's not about the when, but it's about the how.
How you handle the things in life thrown at you, and try with what you have to make do..
Mood rings turning blue,
not that, "I'm sad and melancholy" blue,
But that, "I'm lovable and stress-free" blue. (the card describes this, no lie.)
And you accept what you have because there's no point not to.
You let go of selfish tendencies to become a self-less entity,
You embody something beautiful because you yourself think you are beautiful.

You, is I, and I... love my Eyes*
They see through anything, but know when not to look too deep in...
My eyes* make me me, the outer workings of what I am to be..

Just wake up every morning, and give yourself a smile...
And when you leave your house, soak in the air a little while.

There is always an interesting story to you yourself or the person noticing you...
Because even when you think no one's there, someone's looking out for you...
Someone actually appreciates you, and once You notice this is true,
You will feel comfortable appreciating your eyes*,
And not feel selfish about loosening your ties..
You will be at liberty with yourself and your own worst enemy,
And your own worst enemy, is simply, your most intense insecurity.

So shake that off, take your mask off, let your hair down, and wear your own version of a crown.

Forever Young

This was the next track I fell in love with, the full version of the intro, Forever Young.

I don't have anything to say.. I'm gonna let Usher tell it.

Forever Young (Full Intro) - Usher

Something Special

I was listening to Usher's Here I Stand.... and I got all emotional listening to couple of tracks, which turned into almost all of the songs on the album!! But what hit me the hardest, was "Something Special."

I used to think we had something special,
Because we had something never seen as superficial.
You were real with me, you were someone I thought you were destined to be.
But now you've changed so much now that you, I no longer see..

My lovely put it best, our friendship is one non existant, because
you're neglect and ignorance led to this unfortunate cause,
Where you and me, simply ceases to exist.
Months have passed since we promised to cease and desist,
And somehow we managed to find our way back to what it was that we missed.
But now it's almost like you don't care,
Like the you that was concerned is not really there..
I can't find you,
I can't even really talk to you...
Because You, don't even know Me. anymore.
Maybe I changed, but I'm pretty sure it was you my friend...
And down the road you decided our journey was at its end,
without really including me in the fact that you were concluding we.

Shit, I'm a little hurt that you're not here for me.
Not that I want you to love me and be with me but at least be there for me.
After all that you kinda put me through, it's honestly the least you could do.

I thought you were something so special you know,
a friendship built up by the constant wreckoning of letting go...
But it seems you let yourself fall weak to the conflict,
and now our friendship doesnt exist at least not with any real interest.
I'm sorry that it's come to this, that you've lost your sight of what this really was, and now I'm a little bit stuck comin down from this hopeless battle without a cause.

Because you gave up, and I'm torn up. So I'm fed up being the grown up, and I've decided to tip over our half empty cup.

Completely drained, our cup runeth empty, and if you wake up tomorrow feeling empty, realize its your lack of concern for your messed up exempt; me.

Nerd Girl

Nerd Girl starring Janelle Monae - Chester French

"I don't know if you would like this movie for real, not to say you're a nerd or anything...." Yeah, that's what he said Lol about my take on 'stupid funny' movies... Tisk* tisk..

So what If I'm a nerd girl?
I've recently discovered that's the "in" girl..
"In" because even I can make a plain white tee fly..
"In" because I've accepted the world's unanswered whys...
WE don't know everything, but we will say anything...
That sounds believable with the intent that it's conceivable.
I'm a nerd girl,
And I'm not sure I care if dudes are into my looks,
because my mind is a product of years of good books,
And the fact of the matter is, It's my intellect that hooks...
A man into my being and existence, so he inquires with great persistence...
Into a beautiful mind that some would dub divine,
Because I got something peculiar going for me,
that he's wondering, "who could she really be? to me"
A question he toggles with over and over,
I'm reading another chapter, almost at the back cover.

Keep up my darling good lookin,
Nerd girls are pretty fast, always movin..
We may be known for our impatience,
But nerd girls don't have time for patience!!
So either you're on our page or not,
Remember what I said, or have you already forgot-ten,
Ok, I'll give you one last shot, you've been pretty decent.

I'm a nerd girl, In my own world, my head is in the clouds as my conscience starts to swirl, around theories and dreams I imagined as a girl... But eventually I'll grow up and get over any hiccup.

It's Crippling.

What is it about females and their emotions anyway?? I can't even BEGIN to explain my dreams last night, and saying them out loud might cause a little hurt to some so instead, I'm gonna get a little lyrical for a minute.

Women...
The problem is we do require a lot of attention..
Not because we're SPOILED but that was God's intention,
to give us the ruling hand to put any man in detention,
When he forgets.

When he forgets your significance because he's caught up in his own sh*t.
When he forgets how to show affection because his heart is closed a little bit.
When he forgets to be the man that wants a woman to want to get, him.
He's forgotten a lot of things, he's forgotten the most significant things, that make a woman more than just a *thing.

Neyo said it best, it's all a part of a nice long list,
The way she smiles gently underneath every kiss...
The way she scrunches up her nose when he ends their perfect bliss,
The way she hides her tears when he tells her she'll be missed...
When did man forgot the delicacy in all of this?

Let's not forget the woman's angry side,
There's no real reason to try and hide, it.
to This particular woman's anger you may be blind,
Cause she appears more sad on the outside, while the anger's in her mind.
Cause he fucced up once again, it's off to detention once again, and she's
left wondering,
"When the fucc will you just give in?"

A question unanswered she's shrugs it off again,
Because he's begging to get out so she decides to give in...
And they're back at again, falling deeper and deeper in..
*A Lust gone awry with a 1000 questions asking why?

Here I Am

Here I Am - amber ojeda

This is something a little bit* different. I discovered Amber Ojeda in a random Imeem search, and I like what I hear.

Here I am,
I am doing the best that I can....
I'm humbled by the words of a dear fan,
and accepting that things don't always go to plan.

Say you wanna be a part of me.. A part of something too real to be...
Flaws and all, I'm actually a version of someone hands down better than 'she.'
'She' that belongs to he unknowingly, will fail to succeed..
No this is not a low blow and no this is not me being cocky,
But you see,
I am the me that all fail to see as exceptional beauty.
In my words, behind the voice that executes it, not the face that occasionally I'll hesitate to look at, just a little bit.
See I'm confident, but not cocky, it subsides when situations get rocky..
Will he want me? Or will he realize he should want me?
I will provide something better than any version of the "un-me" which is every woman who is not me, because "I" is unique.
"I" is unique in every 'she' that you meet, but I'm the best being made for he.
I am the best version of what it best for anyone to want to be... better.
I know he's tellin himself, don't forget her, never regret her, She made me bet-her.
Actually, I didn't make him bet me at all, he bet-her, and lost me.
But all's fair in love and what's actually.
One day our decisions will all be free.
And the words that I speak, will be heard by every "he."
Here I am, a little different,
in a way I find self sufficient.
Flaws and all, I'm efficient.
Here I am, a forbidden addiction.

*Pondering.....

If I looked, acted, smiled, walked, danced, dressed, and talked differently,

would you be able to find the real me?

Kicking a Habit.

So I've reached the 2-week mark they say you need to truly kick a habit, and for some reason that was beyond easy, which means it wasn't really a habit. The true habit, that I'm one week done with, is eating me up inside because its that habit you never thought you'd be without, that habit you don't understand why you had to let go, and that habit that just makes you who you are, flaws and all. So I'm sitting in a dark silent room, no Imeem to guide my thoughts for this poem, and I'm tryin to kick this habit.

It's funny how people say what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger..
But what I think that means is you might hide your pain a little longer.
I'm not afraid anymore to acknowledge that my addiction to you,
is making my heart black and blue.

You were something almost a necessity for me, something I always knew would be good for me,
But now I'm at a point where the powers that be say I'm bad for he.
Really?
I'm not sure that its the real me, or us, that you see.
But big hearts and tough souls have withstood much more.
I doubt everyday that you've completely closed the door.
Am I wrong, for dreaming occasionally of a time when we'd soar?
Above the clouds and have everything we ever hoped for?
Or am I wrong, for dreaming that there is a we that's hoping for anything?
Because my minds grappling with the fact that the song "we" used to sing,
Is ending.
You're not really attached to the lyrics like I am,
you don't really hear the melody like I can,
But can I blame you? NO I can't.
It was a malignancy masked by a brilliancy that I wanted to be meant to be.
But do you see me? Probably not,
My face and smile are warm enough to be easily forgot.. in
the sense that they're not full of concern and worry so you easily let it go,
thinking my melancholy state of being was real, not just for show.
It's okay though, no one ever said kickin deep rooted habits was easy.
I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye and walk peacefully.
Never leave in rage because your mind takes over your hearts gauge.
And when you realize what you've done, you've reached the unforgivable age... Of too late.

A Sure Thing*

People have come to misinterpret the real meaning of a sure thing.. So i'm gonna clarify.

The dictionary defines a "sure thing" as something that is or is supposed to be a certainty.
Somehow, someway people tend to try to make certain all of life's uncertainty.
Lookin in from the outside shows the true absurdity,
Of the lost individuals that make decisions arbitrarily.
Thinking it out sometimes leads to overthinking,
then you make decisions too quickly, no blinking.
Are you just trying to make certain something rather unpredictable?
Just because you're unsure if you're ready for perfectly predictable?
Seems like fear's at the core for you,
So you constantly do things you're not sure you should do.
But you do it anyway. thinking that'll yield a better outcome another day..
But you know what? You're wrong... Because you will realize before long.
You really did mess up, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news
But I wish you good luck in your certain future uncouth blues.

Let Me Dance

Let Her Dance (Feat. Maya Azucena & Illestr8) - Stephen Marley

I haven't been to a good reggae party in a long time... and I came across this track (of course in my Imeem frenzy...) and I kinda got up and started dancing, by myself, in my living room. Now I'm seated.. enjoy.

My hips are swaying in a way that got his eye stayin,
On me.. He's tantalized by my rhythm and my groove,
I'm waitin for him to cross the floor, make the first move.
Don't stop the track, I really wanna dance...
Better yet put it on loop, let's give him another chance,
To find his way to me so we can get lost in the sea,
My body rockin, crashin like the waves do you see?
I'm dancing for he.. He that is watching me..
This is no ordinary rated G choreography...
This is just me, moving for he....
Grab my waist boy this is where I want you to be..

Let's just dance dance, dance dance, dance dance..
It may be our last chance to ignite this long awaited romance.
So just dance with me.... No questions, let it be.

Post Surgery

I just got my wisdom teeth pulled, and my face is in constant discomfort so I thought I'd bitch a little about involuntary pain... you know, because no one ever chooses to feel pain, it's just something that at times cannot be adverted.

I feel as though my face might explode,
and the stitches holding me together will start to unfold.
I'm worried that these drugs will give me the worst kind of satisfaction
That from life I will feel I need a constant chemical distraction..
But no worries, I'll let the "viks" numb me...
It's cool I don't think they will succumb me..
I pretty much got this situation under control,
until the pain sends a piercing jolt through the hole,
that's left me unsure of what i can consume...
My normal eating habits, I long to resume.
Ahhh fucc surgery!!!!!
IT's absurdity...
Now where's my burger! (lol.. sorry, I think i'm still loopy)

Bittersweet

Outro (CS) - Drake


I chose this as the title for my first novel (gimme another year)... and I heard this melody the other day and felt some type of way... It kinda tickled me as the epitome of bittersweet.... Drake's Outro on his So Far Gone Mixtape makes me just wanna flow real quick.. about any and everything. so lemme live okay?

It was a bittersweet ending,
All the emotional signals I've been sending....
Time to regroup, refocus, restart the show...
It's just what needs to be done, it's something you sorta just know.
But it was sweet while it lasted, bitter that it ended, but sweetly...
I am not bitter about much more than before, I'm only accepting and reminiscent on the sweet memories that replay in my mind all the time.
I don't forget the important things because remembrance is what this brings.
A final chord just for us, the ivories are singing to us.
It was bittersweet...can you feel the keys?
Being tickled so softly as my mind starts to freeze,
Still pictures of the good times and all the well thought out rhymes
That developed as poetry from me, to he.
The ballad's being made and its realness will never fade.
My soul is satisfied now that all options have been weighed.
I don't believe in goodbyes and I'm really good at fighting cries.
So instead I'll smile and let the piano play for a while.
Because pain and anger I no longer claim as my style.

It's too beautiful to waste any energy on regret. So my mind is set.
Bittersweet as it is, I choose to never forget.

Friend of Mine

Friend Of Mine (Explicit Version) - Lily Allen

You're no friend of mine,
I realize now I've been wasting a sh*tload of time.
I spent days and nights tryin to get you outta my mind..
But something always told me not to cut that line.

But where's the self-respect?
Better yet, lets address the disrespect,
You bestowed upon me when you let me interject.
You let me intercept,
A situation all too outta my league,
And led me down a road I had every reason to believe.

You're no friend of mine now,
I'm at a place where I'm letting you know now...
One last straw and it's done do you see how?
You chose the road often traveled but not well graveled,
and within minutes the sign directing you back to your travel,
will be gone. Listen to the song,
It personifies the wrong,
gives a feeling of guilt but not for long.
Because after its close I'm feeling a little more strong.

You're no friend of mine, now
You're just a waste of time, now
I won't let you take away mine.
I'm taking your lack of care as a sign.

Heed the stop signs and the traffic lights,
The weathers pretty bad so dont forget your brights.
Most importantly leave your rage alone and leave your strength at home.
Because the rage is your own since you couldn't use your phone.
Oh well, no need to worry now I'm fine.
I just see now you were never really a true friend of mine.

Tonight

Tonight - Lykke Li

I'm not having mood swings lol, I just love these songs I'm discovering tonight!
I have all these drafts saved for the moment I come up with something I feel suits the songs I heard, so this is my suitor for Tonight, tonight.

I turned around and you weren't there,
I've finally realized my one night time fear.
I thought you'd be right behind me,
But when I turned around, you, I couldn't see.
Don't let me go, let me go tonight.
Hold up a sec I don't wanna fight.
Don't let me go, let me go tonight.
Just tell me you won't let me outta sight.

I kept on walkin so you couldn't see the pain,
That my eyes started to spill with the intent to stain,
The street that I paced as my heart continued to race.
Don't you let me go, let me go,
Damn you know, you already know.
I'm not willin for my heart to show.
Just don't let me go,
This is something to which you can't say no.

I turned around one last time for you,
But this time I saw something completely new.
Nothing. There was no one and nothing behind me.
I was blinded by the clear vision my sight provided me.
You let me go, you let me go tonight.
I'm startin to think that all my bad thoughts were right.
Cause you let me go tonight.
My mind body and soul have finally given into the fight.
You win, I will go without sin.

You shouldn't have let me go, let me go that night.
Cause I figured it out. Out of mind, out of sight.
That's the last battle I'm lettin myself fight.

Little Bit

little bit remix - drake & lykke li

So I actually spoke to a long lost friend (not that long lost but you know what I mean...) Beans!!! and we got to discussing music, and low and behold, he told me about this track by Drake and Lykke Li called "Little Bit" that I kinda love a lot.. a little bit a lot lol... Anyway... It inspired me to write, screw my own emotions, this is just a great writer's rant ok people? anyway, let's get to it.

I think you're the closest that I've come to being the only one...
The only one I want and the only bond I don't want to be undone...
I think I love you a lot a little bit because we're just so much fun...
together.
A little bit intoxicated, a little bit inebriated, we tend to do things we know
each other will have appreciated.
We're a little bit in sync with each other, a little bit better with one another..
But I'm a little bit fed up with being a lot a bit messed up about it.
Ooo ooo ooo oo... Hands down, I'm a little bit too proud to love.
But when my guards down, I find myself placing you up above.
All the sane things in my life and the things that generally don't cause me strife.
And I think it's because you got my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind... ohhh
Waiting for a time, a time, a time, a time... that just will never arrive.

So I'll just be a little bit hating you because I was a little bit achin for you...
and while I was a little bit in love with you, I need to be a lot a bit done with you.

Who am I Kidding?

It has been an interestingly weird week... One I wouldn't want to repeat, and I honestly can't say why. But today I realized something: I'm only fooling myself.

I am a careful clumsy person, a sloppy neat-freak, a slacker-nerd, casual but chiq. I am always calmly anxious, hopefully pessimistic, romantically uninterested, a relationship-seeking loner, a halfway frequent stoner, Of my soul a sometimes owner.

I am a poet who hates to rhyme, but i do so often because it takes up time,
In a life that is vacant and FULL of spare time.
I am a woman, who wants to be done. But when you give in just like that, it takes away the fun.
But I am a woman, that chapter's only just begun. I hate the lonely nights and I long for the sun.
I'm a ball of a confusion, a walking conundrum.
I don't even know what I've already done.
I've taken my life and this web I have spun,
and made it something worse incapable of coming undone.
I'm a stringy mess, trying to straighten out my life and the rest...
I'm not quite the worst, but I'm no longer at my best.

This is me defeated, because somewhere along the line, my happiness was only cheated.

dead and gone

Dead and Gone (feat. Justin Timberlake) - T.I.

I've been stuck on this path too long and Im desperate to find my way back home..
To a me I now know not, a me that's dead and gone, dead and gone.
I never feared reality, now I'm trying to run back into fantasy...
But maybe this is best that I put it all to the test.
The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
I never thought I wish to be mine.
But I'm trying to find my way back home, to the love and life I knew from so long, ago.

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone....
I'm searching all around looking high and low..
But it's gone.. I'm gone.. I'm dead and gone.

Goodbye.. The Letter

Nowadays I'm diggin deep to find the anxiety, anger, frustration or sadness that gives me my best words.. lol no I'm not crazy just determined to keep the pen moving.. So I turned to my girl Heather Headley (she's beautiful). Alas, a goodbye letter.

(Disclaimer: this is not in anyway intended for anyone to feel some type of way.. if you do, that's between you and you*)


Dear Love,

This is my official goodbye. Do not weep for me or cry...... this letter will attempt to tell you why. I cannot be the woman you want me to be, I cannot live a life without a true vision to see... You have kept me blind in a constant darkened night, I've tried to leave before but you always put up a fight. But I'm done now, and I'm going now, I'm letting you go tonight, somehow... But take your bow.. You kept me around long enough to weaken my soul and make me half whole, but my heart is something I want back that you stole... Give me my life back, let me seal up every last crack.. of the fragile pieces of myself that to me you were of no help.. but rather the damage.
Goodbye love let me find my way out of this, you think i'm important but I honestly dont think I'm something you will miss. Take your time when you read this, realize why I need this... Goodbye to the anguish and all the forbidden language. I won't let you break me anymore, you're nothing I can live for, but a constant pain in my chest because you've stolen the best... of me.
Don't you see? You have taken me! this is not the person I am meant to be! So let me leave...
This is my goodbye, please try and understand why... I never once believed a single lie, that you ever told me for a cry.. I shed more than enough tears, now I' m letting go of my fears, so the Love that I knew and the Love that loves few.... is something i will no longer do...

This is my official goodbye.. Try really hard not to let out a cry... Do you see why? I love you enough to finally fly.

Yours truly,
T*Mel

You Are... (so sweet!)

You Are [featuring John Legend] - Estelle

I haven't blogged in a week!!! Wow.. progress, or digression lol. Anyway... I love Imeem surfing because you accidentally find the good songs when you let it play "next related song" on its own.... and then absentmindedly hear the perfect song and you love it, absolutely love it. That being said, this is who "You Are."

The first time I met you, i wasn't concerned with who you are...
You were simply a mysterious individual, trying to get close but I kept you far.
You were decent, in actions and in words,
The stories I told I'd say were those for the birds....
Wasn't sure what you were up to or what was really with you..
But now I know who you are, and your company is something comforting to do.
Or to have. You are as honest as any can be these days,
Meaning you don't hide you truthful harsh ways...
You are reality, a fixation more good than any mality.
You are everything you do and everything that's true...
Nothing that you say will portray you as someone new.

You are, my decent soul, my inner thoughts that make my mind whole...
You are the filling in my heart, the end to my start....
You are me, just a puzzle pulled apart.

"Obama Hope" poster artist arrested

So i'm pretty infuriated that the infamous street artist who designed the most popular Obama image during the election was arrested for property damage and graffiti, because he used an AP image to create his Obama image... Really though? Do not all artists paint their pieces with the influence of another's work sometimes? I'm upset. 

The Curious Case of TMel*

We all have curious cases of something going on in our life, I recently discovered that mine is simply coming into adulthood. I've been a flirty, spunky, poetic, intellectual, sarcastic, gem* Lol, and i feel like i'm only now realizing that I'm still coming into my adulthood, and with each new year, (or so it seems,) Something insane happens to me that becomes my lesson in life for that year... So I think my blog is in need of another disclaimer..

I am a poet who strives off of my emotions, and most of the time my poetry is just an exaggerated artform... my feelings are only a minor detail in my poetry, that give birth to these insane accounts of poetic lyricism.

Anyway, let's get down to the Curious Case of TMel*

it was 20 years ago that she appeared on this earth,
no one could imagine the uniqueness in her birth...
She grew up too fast drinking coffee at five,
mom always drank it to keep her energy alive....
Her family was dysfunctional as most late 20th century families wind up,
So she was pretty much an adult at 5 yrs old with that creamy first cup.
But when she did reach the ages where kids become teens and teens become adults,
She'd grown a pretty thick skin and then pretty indifferent to all the insults,
She gives 110% to the people in her life and even those that cause her strife,
Because she's a more than giving person, she learned that skill from her father's wife.
TMel finally reached her prime when she moved out of NY at 17,
She handled the transition well, for she'd never actually been 17,
More like 21 since she was still a preteen,
She never reached the ages that one goes through in between.
She experienced life from the perspective of a young woman,
but her decision making and risk taking were sometimes inhuman.
Now she's in the year where 21 would finally fit her reality,
And she's made enough mistakes that she won't again see any fantasy.
She's seasoned in her pain and even wiser in her main...
She is becoming a woman who no other will ever be the same.
TMel, a recent alias for a girl who found her way,
To a place where she'd be happy, eventually some day.
The drama served her well now she's broken out of her shell,
She's now a unique version of a girl that knows most things well.
No, she is not the wisest, but her intelligence is only growing,
She does not boast about anything without really knowing.
Today people benefit from the life she chose to live,
Because she chose a life where love for her was simply just to give.

She does not give her heart to everyone, she doesn't give her better parts to anyone..
She is simply T...
Giving her perspective and directive
on those things we struggle to see
Because we're not sure what's meant to be.
Her philosophy is as such:
Life doesn't really take much.
Just face it head on and everything you must touch.
Things will only work itself out if you face it without doubt.
So believe in what you seek and you will find yourself at the beginning of a beautiful week*

T*Mel

If I....

I was listenin to Destiny's Child this morning and found myself jonesin to an old fav... "If" from Destiny Fulfilled.. somehow I'm feeling like I'm temporarily fulfilled, but then I find myself back where I started, feeling half empty. Anyway, here's my "If I."

If I told you I didn't mean it
Would you still let me hate you?
Would you let me walk around and never again see you?
Would you even realize that everyday I'd miss you?

If I wanted to run away would you even ask me to stay?
Or would you let me go and hope that I'd come back some day?
Would you miss my smile and the silly but cute games that I play?
Would you wake up and listen closely to hear for anything I'd say?

If I never opened my eyes,
Would we have ever known each other?
Would you be just a cool nerd or just another brother?
Would you notice me in the streets as simply just another?

If I disappeared today and took all the memories with me...
Would you still somehow find away to remember?
Would there be a spot in your heart for me to always be a member?
Would you think of your life as missing an '08 December?

If you don't know, I want you to know that I'd miss your smile, your hugs and your eyes and your style, and while I may eventually get over this trial, it's hurting like hell and I know it will for a while.

Miss Independent

She Got Her Own (Miss Independent Remix) feat. Jamie Foxx and Fabolous - Ne-Yo

I don't expect nothin from anyone...
anything I need to do I myself get it done.
I handle my own and deal with sh*t alone.
It's just nice sometimes to pick up a phone.

But I got it, it's cool I got it. I got it.
The things that I want I maybe don't really need.
But sometimes my appetite I desire to feed.
I'm independent I'm not someone easy to read.
But ever so often there's one I'll let see.

That's why I'm supposed to keep my cool...
Never let anyone, not a soul make me the fool.
You got it backwards, I got my own boo.
I'm not one that can afford to always need you.

Do you realize this? That I got it? I got my own sh*t. Don't doubt it.

It's a cleansing process.

This week was a little bit ridiculous,

I spent too much time this week getting over drunken nights, something I'm sooo not excited about. Then it hit me.... everything wreckless that I've gone through this weekend has backfired.. whether it be I fall into a deep sleep or I die over and over again for 12 hrs straight.. (gross i know sorry). But it's all a cleansing process.. my body is regurgitating all the bad sh*t i've put it through for a reason.. my body is rejecting the emotional havoc I'm creating for myself.. I thank my self for being smarter than myself. At least I know now it's only a matter of time before there's nothing left to bring back up...

By the way.. I freaked out a little bit at the looseness of my pants today, that can't be healthy, so I need to find a way to reintroduce myself to my second best friend.. FOOODDDDD Lol.

back on my politics

so i've noticed the extreme emotional turn Forbidden Language has taken... and I'm not at all pleased. That being said, let me just take this time to shout out president obama for signing back into legislation the law that makes us all able to demand equal pay, should we discover a coworker is being paid more because he is a man, or she is white and I'm black.. what have you.. you know? anyway, that's it for now... read up about it, search www.cnn.com

You, you, you, youuu..

Janelle Monae has me feeling it again.. Music is a unique therapy but somehow I come across the songs that say everything I never get to say, but constantly want to say.

>

You - Janelle Monáe

What can we do?
I always need to talk to you,
but now I'm stuck with no one to turn to...
You, you, you.... Feel right for me.
I can't let it go because my eyes struggle to see.
They struggle to see the me without you,
I struggle to feel anything that's not you.
Look in my eyes, they're a dark shade of blue,
Because the pain and sorrow they have witnessed is something completely new.

Whatever feels right for me, I know is right for you...
and maybe you should just trust me on this, I got you.
I can't be here alone but I've never felt this numb...
It's all about you you you you you, you....
Make me feel normal again by just doing what you do.

You, youuu.... make me feel, like me.
But now I spend my time fightin the state of mind in which i want to be.
I just wanna cry all the time, I wanna rewind time to when I couldn't see.
I wanna not have to look at you and wonder if you'll ever have me.
I want you, and I want you to want me. So i'm just stuck on you now, probably more than I should be.

Restless

So not only do I go to sleep and dream about him, I wake up and then I see him... in my mind... then in my soul, I kinda feel him... How many more days must I live restless?

And then it came Crashing Down

it was one of the happiest days i'd seen in a while, a little snow in the morning bought me a permanent smile. I felt finally content and excited to live, but a drive to campus did my heart an awkward pain give. it was a beautiful day, but then the light went away. you, once again took a stab at my heart, I decided I wouldn't let this cycle restart. now I'm curled in a ball. fighting tears cause I know you won't call. you're letting me go and I can't believe it, so in a comfort zone I try to continue to sit. I can't function completely, because honestly you complete me... so I must confess I'm sittin here dressed, in a sweater that sooths the heaving of my chest.

The Essence of Tara*

So after a jones session with Shamara and Nolo, I've realized there are things about myself that I need to learn to acknowledge.. so here is my attempt to do so. :)

It starts with a heart that's bigger than most...
And a mind that is light and doesn't easily boast.
Then we add a milk chocolate color for the complexion of my skin,
with a pair of dark round eyes that any man's stare I can win.
I am beautifully intellectual and intimately sexual,
a force to be reckoned with I make every experience sensual.
The ability to smile even when I should just cry,
I have the power and insight of the all seeing eye.
I'm cunning with my words and slick with my looks,
any man can appreciate a woman with beauty and the books.
I'm not too confident, I'm not too timid,
but I will say this I leave some men rigid.
After my touch you might get a rush,
Making me the chic that you can't just brush... off.
So know what you're missing when you let me walk away...
And realize the loss that I might not return "someday."

Back from DC. "For the Love of Junkies"

My DC experience was quite interesting, considering the circumstances under which I went and all that... First and foremost lemme just say it takes a true fanatic/political junkie to stand outside in the cold for hours on end KNOWING that you won't get a real life glimpse of Obama, but a jumbotron will do just fine.. Which brings me to today's post. I have recently learned that I'm an addictive drug, but the good kind.. So that led me to think of the true thoughts of a junkie. Now being that I am not a reall junkie, I figure there's a way to link the political junkie lifestyle to that of an illegal substance junkie.. Maybe.


I've come to appreciate the dedication and fixation created by junkies,
There's something beautiful in it you see,
people know its the wrong state of mind in which to be,
but without that fixation there's nothing to set you free.
We itch for the chance to get one quick fix,
And if we can't we feel completely out of the mix.
It's not that irksome feeling in our chest that we clutch throughout our quest,
but it is the chance to experience the substance that we may call our nest.
It's our comfort, our whole reason for being, and any opportunity presented is worth seeing, through.
For instance, some junkies find it necessary to freeze to death for their addiction,
other junkies might drive miles and miles away to truly fulfill their satisfaction.
Some junkies even think its okay to run through the streets looking a hot mess just to find a fix before they can even get dressed!!

For the love of junkies, it is easy to understand, why love itself and addiction can sometimes go hand in hand.
It's that feeling like you can't get enough even when things may be a little rough,
So you fix and you fix on your drug until you can't anymore,
Just so you know that on cloud nine you may always soar.

For the love of junkies, my thoughts are with you. It's just something we all do.

Dc Bound

I'm heading home to pack for my Dc trip.... excited and anxious to freeze my ass off trying to get even a glimpse of Obama and the fam.. pics soon to come, words of inspiration or any randomness also to follow.

i shall return.
T Mel

What is Love?

What Is Love? - Vivian Green
I love this song ( no pun intended)

Maybe I will never really know what's love,
But when he's around, there's not much above, him.
Maybe love is simply that newly discovered appreciation,
that one may come to terms with in her own situation.

Maybe I will never really know what is love...
But when he's around I feel things that are unheard of.
I'm a little bit in over my head when i close my eyes at night.
Now that my dreams somehow provide a perfect sight, of him.

Maybe i don't need to know what that magical emotion really is,
because right now in my mind I'm accepting what is his.
His happiness is my satisfaction now,
I'm learning something I never knew how, to
give up on the things I want or need most,
because love is a state of mind, something you dont boast.

So maybe I won't ever know what's really love,
But when he's around... He's got me feeling some type of way.

A Promise to You.

T Mel is a new lady everyone, I hope you're ready for who she is to become.

I was this chic that I was more or less happy with,
Not easily tricked or emotionally tampered with,
Wouldn't stick around too long at the sign of any bull shit....
Never followed anyone but I was the one runnin shit.

I used to be the girl who couldn't hold her tongue,
said things out loud that to some people may have stung,
I'd be the best friend I could be to the people that I love,
held my hand out to those that needed some help rising above.

Now today I'm someone I don't even know,
Saying and doing things that usually result in a "no."
I'm not benefiting at all from any of my unwarranted situations
I've let my heart chastise my mind but today i'm flipping the persuasion.

Time to be the girl I used to be, I'm gonna give my heart rightfully back to me.
I could've been something greater than I even see, but that's not where it's healthy for me to be.
I've become a chic (not even a woman) that is at the will of he, and that is not the me that from which I make my plea.
I let my emotions be controlled by someone else, felt things I've never felt...
but now the levels are too good, so good there somewhere that can't be dealt, with.

So here is my promise to you.

I will be the lady i need to be, the woman I used to be, and someone new to me.
Someone who doesn't give a sh*t about the outsiders looking in,
It's my life and I'll make my very own right or wrong decisions.
I will not be manipulated, friendships will never be stipulated,
I will control me and hope that someday you all will see. That this is the best I can be.

I am a woman of my word, and write now my pen is slicing like a sword,
Through the tears of anger that I've fought but my eyes have long sought
to run dry til I have to ask myself why?
Why were my eyes so wet when without he it'll be easy to forget, not regret.

I am the best thing I could ever be, but unfortunately, you may never get to see.

Because while patience is something I need to learn, sometimes its something that people need to earn.

My promise is simple: I promise not to get in the way, I promise not to let another day...
go by without explaining myself or my actions as i let it all go in itty bitty fractions.
And if in the end i find my way back to this current me, than that is the me that I am meant to be.

With, or without the likes of you.

Good luck in all you do, I really wish happiness on you. That, my friend, is true.

hunger pains

you know you're kinda nice at the word game when you can write about your hunger pains....

I'm soo hungry right now,
that if you asked me to speak, I might not know how.
I'm craving something so de-lic.
that taste of something I would cherish....

what am I saying?
I just need some sustanance soon,
I need to satisfy my cravings...
I need to eat something cause my stomach's misbehaving!

lol sorry for the funnies.... I just wanted to see what I could come up with.