Friday, January 21, 2011

You thought wrong.

Did you really think that I would go that easily?
That quietly or that feebly?
Did you really think you'd gotten rid of me?
Relieved me from respective duty?

Did you really think?

Did you really think the things you thought,
that led to the discussion/the reasons that we fought?
That a bottom line fracture was the only item to be bought?

Did you?

Did you really let me leave and question everything about me?
Everything I thought I knew and everything I see,
the reasons that we shouldn't fight, reasons that shouldn't be?
Did you really think that I would just let you be?

Did you really brush me off and shrug your shoulders, unconcerned?
Make a decision that affects me without my having discerned?
Did you really think that "abrasive" was the tactic I deserved?
Or was it simply your defense mechanisms dishing out what I have earned?

Did you really think that you would get rid of me that easily?
That I'd go quietly or feebly?
Do you really think you didn't hurt me?
Or do you think it was your intention to berate me?

You thought wrong.

Monday, January 17, 2011

No One Understands.

No one understands.
I mean, I don't even understand.
The way I clenched my fists in both of my hands,
And gritted my teeth to fine grains of sand.

No one understands.
I mean, I don't even know.
Were you just putting on a show?
Or are you truly letting me go?

I mean I don't know why
or how you could easily say goodbye.
You never even tried,
But literally turned a blind eye.

No one understands,
I mean I don't know what it's like.
To be inside your head when anger strikes,
And unnecessary stress does anxiety spike.

No one understands,
I mean I don't know what to do.
I'm confused on what is true,
and I'm afraid to not know you.

No one understands.
I mean I really, really don't.
Because compromise you won't.

And me, I'm just misunderstood.
But you wouldn't even try if you could.
Finally I know where I've always stood.
And no one understands.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I am so sick.

I am so sick of the stress of it all,
So sick of the theatrics,
the production of it all.

I am so sick of the pressure of it all.
Sick of the anxiety,
and drama of it all.

I am so sick of the anger of it all,
of the pain,
and the drain of it all.

I am so sick of it all.

My biggest fear

My biggest fear is not knowing you.
Not seeing you,
but needing you.

My biggest fear is not trusting you.
Not hearing you,
and not getting through to you.

My biggest fear is about to come true.
Because you've not only neglected you,
But you've neglected me when I reach out to you.

My biggest fear has come true,
as I grapple with the thought of living without you.

My biggest fear is losing you.
My best friend,
the voice in my head,
the piece of me that made me wise.

My biggest fear... is you.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

would you rather fly or be invisible?

Last night a creepy man in a bar asked me if I'd rather fly or be invisible.

To my own shock, I replied: Invisible.

Invisible because they're all looking at me. Invisible because they shouldn't see me like this. Invisible because I don't really want to talk. Just want to be able to sit in the corner under a dim lamp, and write. Laugh out loud at my own jokes, cry at the thoughts I scribble on my pages, make funny faces just because, I'm invisible.

Invisible because I don't like to be in crowds, I don't like to be gawked at by the one creep on the train, I don't want to be approached by the apparent grandpa at a lounge, and I don't want to ask what's wrong when someone else looks put out. Because I'm put out, and I don't want you to have to ask me either.

Invisible because my drama is my own, not yours, his, hers, or anyone else's. Invisible because nobody really cares anyway, and if they tell you they do, they're full of shit and trying to impress you. But it won't last long.

Invisible because it would be easier than trying to be myself. It would be easier than having to look at you looking at me look at you. Waiting. Invisible because sometimes all I want to do is be alone, yet still in the company of significant individuals.

Invisible because I want to be naked. Not have to worry about what I look like in the light, nor have to worry about what flaws are now exposed.

Invisible because it's the ultimate defense mechanism when already nobody sees you.

I chose invisible because invisibility, always protected me. And now that I'm out in the opened, I have no fortress. I am vulnerable. I am aware.

And now, so are you.

have you ever?

Have you ever cried so much that your eyes started to hurt?
That to blink was a burden?
To breathe was a stretch?
And to sleep, impossible?

Have you ever cried so much that your tears completely dried up?
And you reached to wipe your face and only felt the salty residue?
That you had to wash your face to remove the splotchy remnants?
Or you tried to splash your eyes to hide the crimson-redness?

Have you ever cried so hard that you wish you had no feelings?
That all your mental womanliness escaped you for a day,
and your ability to have emotions could completely go away?
That you couldn't feel pain, sadness or sorrow?
Or utter betrayal?

Have you ever looked in the mirror, and not known who you are?
Because the eyes looking back at you were frozen in a different time?
And the thought-stricken stare that stared back at you,
Could not have been your own because it actually frightened you?

I have.