Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Letters I've Never Sent: To Lonely Girls

Dear Lonely Girl,

How are you feeling these days?  Has it been hard for you lately? Tell me what it feels like when you close your eyes and try to fall asleep. Do you still fight it? Do you stop breathing? I only ask because I feel for you. I worry that what happens to me now happens to you. We share this eerie likeness, and it hurts sometimes. But it's not all the time, at least I don't think so.

Do you worry about your future? Your entire existence? I do. I think that every day I start to fade a little bit. And maybe people can still see me, but I'm not as present as I used to be. Now even more people walk into me, or rather right through me. Like I'm not even there. Like I'm invisible--like I'm thin air. Can you imagine a world without you in it? Don't. It will only make you feel worse.

I did this all too often and realized, life would go on, people you think can't live without you, they will go on living. Without you. Maybe it will be rough for a few days, or maybe even months, but they will go on living. I'd become a faded memory, a good ol' days reminiscence, an "if she was here I bet she'd think I was funny." But beyond that, everyone is still moving forward. Caught up in their own heads, their own dramas and their own stresses, and you and I have simply ceased to exist.

Then you realize you can no longer make history. You miss the opportunity to leave your mark because you let yourself fade, never fighting to stay, and life left you, while every thing around you took your place. People, things, whatever. They're still existing. But not you.

Are you still avoiding mirrors? Stop. I glance up at least twice a day, to remind me that I'm me and I'm still here. Still a part of this fight, and though I struggle with all my might and the people around me seem to take flight, I'm still here. Lonely as it is,  I'm not, really. Cause you're right there with me. Existing, a part of this same fight--only we haven't been formally introduced yet. It's nice to meet you.

Please receive this letter with an open mind and in the event that you feel more alone than you can handle, just read it. I'll be right there with you.

a Comrade of the Cause.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Letters I've Never Sent: To The One Who Lost His Edge


It's not really fair to say you alone lost your edge. I lost mine too, more specifically, it's been missing for a while now, but I'm actively looking for it. I recently told someone that it takes tremendous tragedy for me to find my way back, and as terrible as that sounds, it's true. And lately, that tragedy has been you.

It started a few months ago, maybe more, but I've been sad for you. Really, really sad. Because I know you, and I know what you can do, but it seems as though that knowledge is lost on you. What happened? When did you stop being the annoying Mr. Know it All, Mr. Has It All, Mr. Everything? I envied you, and at times I still do, but I fear that I no longer even know you. How could we let this happen?

I went to bat for you, everyday. I thought about you and prayed for you, everyday. Whether consciously or subconsciously, I was always thinking about you and wishing you well, even in my state of anger, shock, and pain for you. If it was me that led you astray, I am truly sorry, but I can't accept that we will go on "cordially." That is not a term I care to understand, because it is not a term I believe defines us.

Have you really abandoned the old you and me? Forgotten the words I spilled so humbly, about a world unprepared for us, a not so distant future that would mold us, and me, always believing that we were stronger than the bullshit? I know you think my reaching out now was forced, but you, Mr. Know it All, Mr. Everything Happens for a Reason, is this not the most prime example? I believe I got that phone call for a reason. I believe that past actions and current relationships led me back to you, regardless of the circumstances. And I never stopped loving you.

I refuse to define my love since it's become common cause for debate. "T are you sure it's not more than a friendship? Are you sure you're not romanticizing your relationship?" Once and for all, the answer has always been no. I love you like the brother I always wish I had, the friend I never found in any of the girls at school, the man that made me all the more wiser and much more stronger than I realized. I love you, and I've never been afraid to say it. And even when I feel like I could hate you, a voice in my head chuckles, like I could ever, really hate you.

"Cordially" is unacceptable. Life goes on and gets tougher, and I know that I need you. Whether you still need me is up for debate, but as much as I want to believe that I only need myself, I am not capable of processing that right now. It seems as of late I'm not capable of processing much of anything outside of longing, fear, and sadness. For you, my family, for everything really. It's much like a dark cloud follows me around. Call it depression, maybe, but I knowingly feel this way and seem to feel I know the fix, so it can't really be depression, can it? Anyway, like I said,  I cannot accept "cordial." I understand you see a similar situation between other people, but we are not "other people." We're T & J. We're the classics, the fools, the incredibles. We're many things, but we're not cordial.

I know this is hard to take in but know this: I am in it for the long haul. Always have been. I don't expect you to wake up and remember the old you and me, but I do expect that you never forgot us. It won't be an instant remedy, but progress is all I ask for.

Are you up for it?