Monday, June 29, 2009

Battle of the Voices (Part 1)

Anger is my best emotion..
it fits me well, guides me even better...
It's a perfect mask when you hide behind a flask.
"drink up lil lady, before the business starts gettin shady.
You know the drill, everything's happening the same lately.
Think about it.. do you hate me?
For placing this glass in your hand n letting this toxic substance take thee?"

Who the fucc are you???
Get out of my head and leave me to drown instead!
In the sorrows that have become me, the headache that has won me..
I Quit. I don't think I ever wanted to do it..
All the drama all the karma is swirling around me and it only settles,
When I sip...
Sip this blood-colored liquid that keeps me from boiling over cause I'm livid.

Stop asking your ignorant questions, leave your guilty conscience elsewhere...
Because right now, my drink n this cloud of smoke is for all I really care.
Do you hear me? I'm done!
Bitter heartless bitch you say?
Be that way...
Your lack of understanding is the difference here, night and day.

"I will love you anyway, even if you cannot stay,"


"Ohh, sweet thing.. don't you know you're my everything?"

No, you to me, are simply nothing.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Fresh Start

i started my new internship today with Philly Weekly and I must say, I am smitten with excitement for what the rest of the summer has in store for me... But with this new internship come a new beginning.. a fresh start.

I didn't like the feeling I was getting from my last internship.. I felt falsified, almost an inanimate object, an unmovable force with no real discourse for the next three months, and it scared the hell outta me. I was sitting at my desk and happened to be email-checking (one of the many addictions that helped me get through my NY Mondays..) I was trying to stick it out cause I loved the feeling of being in my city for a taste of its flavor, but it wasn't real.. The taste I expected to be sweet, was only sweet to my eyes, but bitter on my tongue. It wasn't Frank Sinatra who had sung, New York State of Mind was only sung by an impostor, and that sweet bus ride only became a trip down memory lane.. A trip I wasn't ready to repeat every week for the next 12 weeks.. so I had to cut it loose before the cancer chewed me up... I was suffocating in my own beloved city. And somehow feeling at home in this strange "second city..." Philly.

Giving credit where it's due, my life here is always something new. It's my escape when the hardships or depression starts to rape my emotional state of being when I'm home.. Could it be, that my default Philly residency as made me truly Philly? It's a fresh start, and today showed me there's more hear than I ever cared, or dared, to look for... What else is in store? Where am I going from here? It's a fresh start, and the most darkest thing on my mind is lighter than anything I felt before my move.... Maybe that was what I needed.. a new setting, a new social surrounding, a new genre of entertainment, and a new aspect of my own endeavors... Who knew I'd even think about video... who knew I would be published Day 1 at Philly Weekly!

I'm excited, yet I'm scared. Because all that I use to fear, is no longer really here.. I'm almost too comfortable to be comfortable with the way this new start is looking.. So I'm relaxing and not stressing, and this summer I'll be "booking." (novel writing, oh the possibilities for the end of the summer....)

Until then, enjoy my video story on Philadelphia's Bloomsday Celebration.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Consider This.

Every step you take to defeat me, works.
But when all is said and done, the cleansing process has long begun.
The pain is a blur, almost a pleasure to me now....
The happiness that I once felt is long gone for me now.
The effort that I put forth,
Seems no longer of any worth.
The you that meant the world to me,
I've found a way to let it be.
So when it feels easiest to erase me from existence...
Know that your persistence meets certain consequence,
And that is, an absolute absence.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

My Bare Naked Soul

After a long discussion this week with a fellow respectable writer-type friend... I've reached a frightening revelation.... outsiders have sensed my hesitation... and criticized me for it.... so I'm simply vowing this: no more sugar-coated goodness on my more happy endings that never really are the end... no more leaving untouched forbidden angles.... I'm baring me in entirety... That being said... this is my bare naked soul.
(think of this as an updated version of the Essence of Tara*)

Maybe I thought I was fooling some of you, but
Fooling myself now that would never be true.
I'm a tower of strength when I want to be....
But maybe not so much when I actually need to be.
I'm an emotion-less being who enjoys an occasional opportunity to cry...
So if I'm in a type of mood don't bother to ask me why.
I find myself angry only at people that matter to me....
So it's actually a good thing if I find something maddening.
It's when I brush you off with a laugh or a loose shake of my head...
Because you're just wasting precious time that I could be cherishing instead.
I'm considerate...probably more so than anyone you know,
Excuse me, but fucc you if sometimes I have to let that go.
When the drama reaches unnecessary levels my mind goes slightly disheveled,
So i laugh.
Laugh because I have inappropriate reactions to unfortunate events..
Not cry because I'd rather hold it in until I can really vent.
Give me a reason to hold a grudge,
And from my stubborn state I promise not to budge.

: I'm simply a woman trying to leave a tiny footprint on your life... I'm not here to cause you grief but more of a sort of relief.. maybe even a release, when you find yourself stuck cause you shouldn't give a fucc but everything's gone amuck, and all that's left is my somewhat relevant words that hopefully you will have heard. I'm the voice inside your head that you've sometimes even wished dead, because even though you know that i'm right, it's me that you still continue to fight. I'm reason and explanation to your nonsensical fuzzy world. I'm a realistic lady, the product of a broken naive baby.

This me so far I must admit is quite the breeze...
It's tomorrow and 10 years from now that cause my chest to freeze.
Or burn rather, but I'll let you know how that goes,
Because right now, no one knows.