Saturday, January 31, 2009

It's a cleansing process.

This week was a little bit ridiculous,

I spent too much time this week getting over drunken nights, something I'm sooo not excited about. Then it hit me.... everything wreckless that I've gone through this weekend has backfired.. whether it be I fall into a deep sleep or I die over and over again for 12 hrs straight.. (gross i know sorry). But it's all a cleansing process.. my body is regurgitating all the bad sh*t i've put it through for a reason.. my body is rejecting the emotional havoc I'm creating for myself.. I thank my self for being smarter than myself. At least I know now it's only a matter of time before there's nothing left to bring back up...

By the way.. I freaked out a little bit at the looseness of my pants today, that can't be healthy, so I need to find a way to reintroduce myself to my second best friend.. FOOODDDDD Lol.

Friday, January 30, 2009

back on my politics

so i've noticed the extreme emotional turn Forbidden Language has taken... and I'm not at all pleased. That being said, let me just take this time to shout out president obama for signing back into legislation the law that makes us all able to demand equal pay, should we discover a coworker is being paid more because he is a man, or she is white and I'm black.. what have you.. you know? anyway, that's it for now... read up about it, search

Thursday, January 29, 2009

You, you, you, youuu..

Janelle Monae has me feeling it again.. Music is a unique therapy but somehow I come across the songs that say everything I never get to say, but constantly want to say.


You - Janelle Monáe

What can we do?
I always need to talk to you,
but now I'm stuck with no one to turn to...
You, you, you.... Feel right for me.
I can't let it go because my eyes struggle to see.
They struggle to see the me without you,
I struggle to feel anything that's not you.
Look in my eyes, they're a dark shade of blue,
Because the pain and sorrow they have witnessed is something completely new.

Whatever feels right for me, I know is right for you...
and maybe you should just trust me on this, I got you.
I can't be here alone but I've never felt this numb...
It's all about you you you you you, you....
Make me feel normal again by just doing what you do.

You, youuu.... make me feel, like me.
But now I spend my time fightin the state of mind in which i want to be.
I just wanna cry all the time, I wanna rewind time to when I couldn't see.
I wanna not have to look at you and wonder if you'll ever have me.
I want you, and I want you to want me. So i'm just stuck on you now, probably more than I should be.


So not only do I go to sleep and dream about him, I wake up and then I see him... in my mind... then in my soul, I kinda feel him... How many more days must I live restless?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

And then it came Crashing Down

it was one of the happiest days i'd seen in a while, a little snow in the morning bought me a permanent smile. I felt finally content and excited to live, but a drive to campus did my heart an awkward pain give. it was a beautiful day, but then the light went away. you, once again took a stab at my heart, I decided I wouldn't let this cycle restart. now I'm curled in a ball. fighting tears cause I know you won't call. you're letting me go and I can't believe it, so in a comfort zone I try to continue to sit. I can't function completely, because honestly you complete me... so I must confess I'm sittin here dressed, in a sweater that sooths the heaving of my chest.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Essence of Tara*

So after a jones session with Shamara and Nolo, I've realized there are things about myself that I need to learn to acknowledge.. so here is my attempt to do so. :)

It starts with a heart that's bigger than most...
And a mind that is light and doesn't easily boast.
Then we add a milk chocolate color for the complexion of my skin,
with a pair of dark round eyes that any man's stare I can win.
I am beautifully intellectual and intimately sexual,
a force to be reckoned with I make every experience sensual.
The ability to smile even when I should just cry,
I have the power and insight of the all seeing eye.
I'm cunning with my words and slick with my looks,
any man can appreciate a woman with beauty and the books.
I'm not too confident, I'm not too timid,
but I will say this I leave some men rigid.
After my touch you might get a rush,
Making me the chic that you can't just brush... off.
So know what you're missing when you let me walk away...
And realize the loss that I might not return "someday."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Back from DC. "For the Love of Junkies"

My DC experience was quite interesting, considering the circumstances under which I went and all that... First and foremost lemme just say it takes a true fanatic/political junkie to stand outside in the cold for hours on end KNOWING that you won't get a real life glimpse of Obama, but a jumbotron will do just fine.. Which brings me to today's post. I have recently learned that I'm an addictive drug, but the good kind.. So that led me to think of the true thoughts of a junkie. Now being that I am not a reall junkie, I figure there's a way to link the political junkie lifestyle to that of an illegal substance junkie.. Maybe.

I've come to appreciate the dedication and fixation created by junkies,
There's something beautiful in it you see,
people know its the wrong state of mind in which to be,
but without that fixation there's nothing to set you free.
We itch for the chance to get one quick fix,
And if we can't we feel completely out of the mix.
It's not that irksome feeling in our chest that we clutch throughout our quest,
but it is the chance to experience the substance that we may call our nest.
It's our comfort, our whole reason for being, and any opportunity presented is worth seeing, through.
For instance, some junkies find it necessary to freeze to death for their addiction,
other junkies might drive miles and miles away to truly fulfill their satisfaction.
Some junkies even think its okay to run through the streets looking a hot mess just to find a fix before they can even get dressed!!

For the love of junkies, it is easy to understand, why love itself and addiction can sometimes go hand in hand.
It's that feeling like you can't get enough even when things may be a little rough,
So you fix and you fix on your drug until you can't anymore,
Just so you know that on cloud nine you may always soar.

For the love of junkies, my thoughts are with you. It's just something we all do.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Dc Bound

I'm heading home to pack for my Dc trip.... excited and anxious to freeze my ass off trying to get even a glimpse of Obama and the fam.. pics soon to come, words of inspiration or any randomness also to follow.

i shall return.
T Mel

Friday, January 16, 2009

What is Love?

What Is Love? - Vivian Green
I love this song ( no pun intended)

Maybe I will never really know what's love,
But when he's around, there's not much above, him.
Maybe love is simply that newly discovered appreciation,
that one may come to terms with in her own situation.

Maybe I will never really know what is love...
But when he's around I feel things that are unheard of.
I'm a little bit in over my head when i close my eyes at night.
Now that my dreams somehow provide a perfect sight, of him.

Maybe i don't need to know what that magical emotion really is,
because right now in my mind I'm accepting what is his.
His happiness is my satisfaction now,
I'm learning something I never knew how, to
give up on the things I want or need most,
because love is a state of mind, something you dont boast.

So maybe I won't ever know what's really love,
But when he's around... He's got me feeling some type of way.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A Promise to You.

T Mel is a new lady everyone, I hope you're ready for who she is to become.

I was this chic that I was more or less happy with,
Not easily tricked or emotionally tampered with,
Wouldn't stick around too long at the sign of any bull shit....
Never followed anyone but I was the one runnin shit.

I used to be the girl who couldn't hold her tongue,
said things out loud that to some people may have stung,
I'd be the best friend I could be to the people that I love,
held my hand out to those that needed some help rising above.

Now today I'm someone I don't even know,
Saying and doing things that usually result in a "no."
I'm not benefiting at all from any of my unwarranted situations
I've let my heart chastise my mind but today i'm flipping the persuasion.

Time to be the girl I used to be, I'm gonna give my heart rightfully back to me.
I could've been something greater than I even see, but that's not where it's healthy for me to be.
I've become a chic (not even a woman) that is at the will of he, and that is not the me that from which I make my plea.
I let my emotions be controlled by someone else, felt things I've never felt...
but now the levels are too good, so good there somewhere that can't be dealt, with.

So here is my promise to you.

I will be the lady i need to be, the woman I used to be, and someone new to me.
Someone who doesn't give a sh*t about the outsiders looking in,
It's my life and I'll make my very own right or wrong decisions.
I will not be manipulated, friendships will never be stipulated,
I will control me and hope that someday you all will see. That this is the best I can be.

I am a woman of my word, and write now my pen is slicing like a sword,
Through the tears of anger that I've fought but my eyes have long sought
to run dry til I have to ask myself why?
Why were my eyes so wet when without he it'll be easy to forget, not regret.

I am the best thing I could ever be, but unfortunately, you may never get to see.

Because while patience is something I need to learn, sometimes its something that people need to earn.

My promise is simple: I promise not to get in the way, I promise not to let another day...
go by without explaining myself or my actions as i let it all go in itty bitty fractions.
And if in the end i find my way back to this current me, than that is the me that I am meant to be.

With, or without the likes of you.

Good luck in all you do, I really wish happiness on you. That, my friend, is true.

hunger pains

you know you're kinda nice at the word game when you can write about your hunger pains....

I'm soo hungry right now,
that if you asked me to speak, I might not know how.
I'm craving something so de-lic.
that taste of something I would cherish....

what am I saying?
I just need some sustanance soon,
I need to satisfy my cravings...
I need to eat something cause my stomach's misbehaving!

lol sorry for the funnies.... I just wanted to see what I could come up with.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Disappearing Acts

So I drove home with best buddy Jarrett on Sunday.. and when we got to Queens he decided to blast Sasha Fierce (I think he wanted to make me think or something)... Disappear starts up.. and I'm really listening to the words.. I got a little worked up.. but then I realized.... Ignore the anxiety building in my throat and just write about it, because yes, there have been pretty unbearable disappearing acts in my recent past.

Disappear - Beyoncé

When I think about it,
I start to realize that I can't cry and there's a good reason why.
You see I can't be mad but only sad, that you're something to me I never really had.

I tried to reach you, and I feel like I could teach you...
Things you didn't know were real and emotions you didn't know you could feel.

But the more I think about it,
The closer I get to feeling like I might lose you, or abuse the idea of "you,"
So instead I let you disappear in the hopes that one day you'd reappear...
Meanwhile I'm deep in despair because my heart no one can even repair!

What do I know?
Just because I feel you doesn't mean either of us will know what to do...
We're too caught up to be two good friends who may not be so tomorrow,

You disappeared, I may disappear... But why not grab my hand and we can disappear?
Ignore the world outside of us, our bond holds based on unique trust.
I trust you, I'm not sure that I should but I see you. I see the you underneath "you."

So when I think about it, you are nearly here,
And I'll always be there....
So take your time, relax your mind and maybe sooner than later you will find,
That a disappearance now will only leave you further behind.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Taking it Easy

As the story that is TMel unravels on a daily basis, I've noticed a reoccurring theme of racing against the clock in my life. but I think it's time to slow things down, and I realized this while i was at work today stuffing envelopes for 8 hrs.. (talk about slow)..I was listening to young Sammie here and realized that the lyrics to his song Slow are exactly what I need to be striving towards....That being said, enjoy the tune, and here's a few words of my own.

Slow - Sammie

You try to give me everything I need,
You win me even more over with every good deed,
But there comes a time when one must take heed.

Let's slow this down a little bit for a sec,
To give us some time to look back, reflect.
Take it slow, there are things we can disect,
Maybe we can make past mistakes correct.

I long for your body and I'm feeling your touch...
But mostly I want your mind and I hope that's not too much.
Just give me a glimpse of the thoughts that you may clutch,
because I'm dying to know if your feelings can provide for me a crutch.

Slow it down a little bit more,
We really don't know what's in store...
I'm scared to open and walk through a new door.
After all, if we rush through this, what has all this time spent together really been for?

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Black and Gold

So have any of you heard any Sam Sparro songs? This dude is quickly becoming my fav source for songs that perfectly describe my life and it's woes... Anyway, watch the video, listen (REALLY LISTEN) to the lyrics, then read my poem*

If you're not really here,
then the moon doesn't light the night.
The sky remains dark and everyone loses sight,
Of all the things that matter like telling wrong from right.

If you're not really here,
Then I don't wanna be anywhere.
I don't want anyone else to fill your empty space,
Nothing anyone does will help them take your place.

If you're not really here,
Then the days don't seem to change and i have too much time to spare.
My heart beats in irregular rhythms as my soul tries to find the beat,
I'm losing composure after yet another series of defeat.

If you're not really here,
Then there's no reason left to care.
I don't care about the rules I don't care about what's best,
I don't care about giving you up even if you failed my test.

Love is just love, it is not fantasy or perfection..
It's simply broken emotions we can't steer in the right direction.