#8 'The Letters I've Never Sent.'

9.15.2011

To My Sweetheart,

The only one I ever really had. You've controlled much of my life for far too long, how did that happen? You were never mine, but I obsessed over you, knowing I would never have you. My nearest and dearest warned me, but I didn't care. I just had to have you, I had to be consumed by my constant thoughts of you.

I wish I could have told you how deep my feelings went. I wanted you to know you were special. You were so important, and now I've rendered you insignificant. How selfish of me. Or maybe you were the selfish one.

You allowed me to feel this way. Actually, you encouraged me. I was at my weakest when you were around. I think I knew you liked the 'helpless' role I played so I fed into that. I don't really regret that, but I regret all of my other actions that led me to end up without you. I never did put my foot down.

I don't believe a woman who says a man led her on. The signs are there, but it's her choice to ignore or misinterpret them. You never led me on, but you were beyond confused. I think in a way you felt the same, but you were afraid, so you took your first exit out. I just held on to your confusion, which eventually led to my own.

You were my only real sweetheart. You talked to me, looked at me, and took my face in your hands like I was yours. And I held on to that. I didn't want to imagine we were anything else.

You were my only real sweetheart. But I'm convinced I never was yours. And that's okay. You became one of my most difficult lessons learned, and I'm much stronger now than I've ever been.

I owe that all to you.

Your momentary love,
T.