#7 "The Letters I've Never Sent."

To My Best Friend.

I wrote you a poem ages ago, do you remember? We laughed about how absurd our friendship was, how irrational everyone on the outside acted, and how crazy it is to be so committed, without the commitment. Maybe not in those exact words, but that was the general gist of it. I wanted to update you, on where and how we've grown.

It's been a bumpy road, and I know you'd argue this is only recently so, and maybe you're right, maybe you're not. But still, bumpy it was, and scary. Moments would pass when I was afraid of you. Afraid of what we were doing, how we were holding on, and whether it was still the same.

I worried that you outgrew me, or I you, but one or both of us was in denial. I worried that we had nothing left, but refused to admit it and fought to keep it going, only we ended up fighting each other. I was afraid you didn't believe in best friends anymore, or at least not in the female form. But as usual things happened, and our relationship prevailed.

I'm not sure what our status is, what our friendship means anymore, but I know what it's always meant, and I'm not ready for the end. I just wish we were on the same page, and I think we are, but sometimes I don't think you know if we are. I'm here to tell you.

The life around us hasn't changed much--we've only gotten older, maybe less reliable at 3am (on my part at least), and maybe less chatty on the every day but more thoughtful on the long term. We've expanded our interests, we got a bit smarter, and we developed our own opinions, that now seem to disagree more than ever.

I think it's healthy though, our disagreements. It's never normal for two people to completely agree on absolutely everything, don't you think? I love that about us, the fact that you hate when I disagree and I love to disagree? It's sort of a guilty pleasure. Forgive me if that's wrong, it's just me.

Are you at all worried about our future? Do you think about 10 years from now? Do you realize we're actually almost at 10 years and we've managed to keep the damage to a relative minimum? It's rather impressive, considering the implosion of numerous friendships for both of us, it's quite hilarious. And admirable, that we prevailed.

I told you once the world wasn't ready for us, and today I can honestly say I'm not sure we're ready for us, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the us we haven't met yet, the '10 years from now,' the 'back in the day' reminisces, and the accountability. You are still one of the only people I trust inside and out, whether that's insane or encouraging, it doesn't really matter. It just speaks to the strength that is us. Or is supposed to be us.

I told you once the world wasn't ready for us. And it wasn't--still isn't. It's rare that a man and a woman could last this long in a situation like ours: one sans emotional corruption, intimate disruption and chemical distraction. Bravo to us for being so unique!

I think it's worth it, the bumpy roads, the sudden turns and occasional uncertainties.

Don't you?