No One Understands.

No one understands.
I mean, I don't even understand.
The way I clenched my fists in both of my hands,
And gritted my teeth to fine grains of sand.

No one understands.
I mean, I don't even know.
Were you just putting on a show?
Or are you truly letting me go?

I mean I don't know why
or how you could easily say goodbye.
You never even tried,
But literally turned a blind eye.

No one understands,
I mean I don't know what it's like.
To be inside your head when anger strikes,
And unnecessary stress does anxiety spike.

No one understands,
I mean I don't know what to do.
I'm confused on what is true,
and I'm afraid to not know you.

No one understands.
I mean I really, really don't.
Because compromise you won't.

And me, I'm just misunderstood.
But you wouldn't even try if you could.
Finally I know where I've always stood.
And no one understands.

I am so sick.

I am so sick of the stress of it all,
So sick of the theatrics,
the production of it all.

I am so sick of the pressure of it all.
Sick of the anxiety,
and drama of it all.

I am so sick of the anger of it all,
of the pain,
and the drain of it all.

I am so sick of it all.

My biggest fear

My biggest fear is not knowing you.
Not seeing you,
but needing you.

My biggest fear is not trusting you.
Not hearing you,
and not getting through to you.

My biggest fear is about to come true.
Because you've not only neglected you,
But you've neglected me when I reach out to you.

My biggest fear has come true,
as I grapple with the thought of living without you.

My biggest fear is losing you.
My best friend,
the voice in my head,
the piece of me that made me wise.

My biggest fear... is you.

would you rather fly or be invisible?

Last night a creepy man in a bar asked me if I'd rather fly or be invisible.

To my own shock, I replied: Invisible.

Invisible because they're all looking at me. Invisible because they shouldn't see me like this. Invisible because I don't really want to talk. Just want to be able to sit in the corner under a dim lamp, and write. Laugh out loud at my own jokes, cry at the thoughts I scribble on my pages, make funny faces just because, I'm invisible.

Invisible because I don't like to be in crowds, I don't like to be gawked at by the one creep on the train, I don't want to be approached by the apparent grandpa at a lounge, and I don't want to ask what's wrong when someone else looks put out. Because I'm put out, and I don't want you to have to ask me either.

Invisible because my drama is my own, not yours, his, hers, or anyone else's. Invisible because nobody really cares anyway, and if they tell you they do, they're full of shit and trying to impress you. But it won't last long.

Invisible because it would be easier than trying to be myself. It would be easier than having to look at you looking at me look at you. Waiting. Invisible because sometimes all I want to do is be alone, yet still in the company of significant individuals.

Invisible because I want to be naked. Not have to worry about what I look like in the light, nor have to worry about what flaws are now exposed.

Invisible because it's the ultimate defense mechanism when already nobody sees you.

I chose invisible because invisibility, always protected me. And now that I'm out in the opened, I have no fortress. I am vulnerable. I am aware.

And now, so are you.

have you ever?

Have you ever cried so much that your eyes started to hurt?
That to blink was a burden?
To breathe was a stretch?
And to sleep, impossible?

Have you ever cried so much that your tears completely dried up?
And you reached to wipe your face and only felt the salty residue?
That you had to wash your face to remove the splotchy remnants?
Or you tried to splash your eyes to hide the crimson-redness?

Have you ever cried so hard that you wish you had no feelings?
That all your mental womanliness escaped you for a day,
and your ability to have emotions could completely go away?
That you couldn't feel pain, sadness or sorrow?
Or utter betrayal?

Have you ever looked in the mirror, and not known who you are?
Because the eyes looking back at you were frozen in a different time?
And the thought-stricken stare that stared back at you,
Could not have been your own because it actually frightened you?

I have.

the You that i want You to be.

You know,

You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that worried and tried to look out for me.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you and don't want to see.

You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that I loved and trusted the most.
The you who I knew made for a friend I could boast.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you or even ready to be.

the You that i want You to be,
would never actually question me.
You wouldn't dismiss me but listen to me.
the You that i know You to be,
trusts me.

But now you're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're hesitating to grow up,
I know cause you told me.

I expect you to be the you I want you to be.
But I'll settle for the you that you appear to be.

Useless Attempts

I spent a huge chunk of today reminiscing on old friends, resenting my stubborn nature, and hating my insecurities. Now it's midnight and I think I've had enough.

What's the use of it all really?
To remember the things that hurt the most,
to wish for things and make happy toasts,
to try and rekindle old flames with gone-folks?

What's the use of it?

Useless attempts at a present, burdened by your past.
If it didn't work then what now could make it last?
When you're lonely and confused you make decisions too fast...
So what's the use of it?

Useless...useless..USEless...useLESS....
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight;
when you're irrational decision may potentially alter your fate...
when you're bored in your bed and remember a former mate...
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight.

What's the use of it really?
In the end you will only feel silly..
For your own attempts make you look over-willing..
Vulnerability.

Useless attempts and vulnerability,
they're useless.
And to us?

Attempts at broken pasts only end with things that won't last.