Who am I Kidding?

It has been an interestingly weird week... One I wouldn't want to repeat, and I honestly can't say why. But today I realized something: I'm only fooling myself.

I am a careful clumsy person, a sloppy neat-freak, a slacker-nerd, casual but chiq. I am always calmly anxious, hopefully pessimistic, romantically uninterested, a relationship-seeking loner, a halfway frequent stoner, Of my soul a sometimes owner.

I am a poet who hates to rhyme, but i do so often because it takes up time,
In a life that is vacant and FULL of spare time.
I am a woman, who wants to be done. But when you give in just like that, it takes away the fun.
But I am a woman, that chapter's only just begun. I hate the lonely nights and I long for the sun.
I'm a ball of a confusion, a walking conundrum.
I don't even know what I've already done.
I've taken my life and this web I have spun,
and made it something worse incapable of coming undone.
I'm a stringy mess, trying to straighten out my life and the rest...
I'm not quite the worst, but I'm no longer at my best.

This is me defeated, because somewhere along the line, my happiness was only cheated.

dead and gone

Dead and Gone (feat. Justin Timberlake) - T.I.

I've been stuck on this path too long and Im desperate to find my way back home..
To a me I now know not, a me that's dead and gone, dead and gone.
I never feared reality, now I'm trying to run back into fantasy...
But maybe this is best that I put it all to the test.
The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
I never thought I wish to be mine.
But I'm trying to find my way back home, to the love and life I knew from so long, ago.

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone....
I'm searching all around looking high and low..
But it's gone.. I'm gone.. I'm dead and gone.

Goodbye.. The Letter

Nowadays I'm diggin deep to find the anxiety, anger, frustration or sadness that gives me my best words.. lol no I'm not crazy just determined to keep the pen moving.. So I turned to my girl Heather Headley (she's beautiful). Alas, a goodbye letter.

(Disclaimer: this is not in anyway intended for anyone to feel some type of way.. if you do, that's between you and you*)


Dear Love,

This is my official goodbye. Do not weep for me or cry...... this letter will attempt to tell you why. I cannot be the woman you want me to be, I cannot live a life without a true vision to see... You have kept me blind in a constant darkened night, I've tried to leave before but you always put up a fight. But I'm done now, and I'm going now, I'm letting you go tonight, somehow... But take your bow.. You kept me around long enough to weaken my soul and make me half whole, but my heart is something I want back that you stole... Give me my life back, let me seal up every last crack.. of the fragile pieces of myself that to me you were of no help.. but rather the damage.
Goodbye love let me find my way out of this, you think i'm important but I honestly dont think I'm something you will miss. Take your time when you read this, realize why I need this... Goodbye to the anguish and all the forbidden language. I won't let you break me anymore, you're nothing I can live for, but a constant pain in my chest because you've stolen the best... of me.
Don't you see? You have taken me! this is not the person I am meant to be! So let me leave...
This is my goodbye, please try and understand why... I never once believed a single lie, that you ever told me for a cry.. I shed more than enough tears, now I' m letting go of my fears, so the Love that I knew and the Love that loves few.... is something i will no longer do...

This is my official goodbye.. Try really hard not to let out a cry... Do you see why? I love you enough to finally fly.

Yours truly,
T*Mel

You Are... (so sweet!)

You Are [featuring John Legend] - Estelle

I haven't blogged in a week!!! Wow.. progress, or digression lol. Anyway... I love Imeem surfing because you accidentally find the good songs when you let it play "next related song" on its own.... and then absentmindedly hear the perfect song and you love it, absolutely love it. That being said, this is who "You Are."

The first time I met you, i wasn't concerned with who you are...
You were simply a mysterious individual, trying to get close but I kept you far.
You were decent, in actions and in words,
The stories I told I'd say were those for the birds....
Wasn't sure what you were up to or what was really with you..
But now I know who you are, and your company is something comforting to do.
Or to have. You are as honest as any can be these days,
Meaning you don't hide you truthful harsh ways...
You are reality, a fixation more good than any mality.
You are everything you do and everything that's true...
Nothing that you say will portray you as someone new.

You are, my decent soul, my inner thoughts that make my mind whole...
You are the filling in my heart, the end to my start....
You are me, just a puzzle pulled apart.

"Obama Hope" poster artist arrested

So i'm pretty infuriated that the infamous street artist who designed the most popular Obama image during the election was arrested for property damage and graffiti, because he used an AP image to create his Obama image... Really though? Do not all artists paint their pieces with the influence of another's work sometimes? I'm upset. 

The Curious Case of TMel*

We all have curious cases of something going on in our life, I recently discovered that mine is simply coming into adulthood. I've been a flirty, spunky, poetic, intellectual, sarcastic, gem* Lol, and i feel like i'm only now realizing that I'm still coming into my adulthood, and with each new year, (or so it seems,) Something insane happens to me that becomes my lesson in life for that year... So I think my blog is in need of another disclaimer..

I am a poet who strives off of my emotions, and most of the time my poetry is just an exaggerated artform... my feelings are only a minor detail in my poetry, that give birth to these insane accounts of poetic lyricism.

Anyway, let's get down to the Curious Case of TMel*

it was 20 years ago that she appeared on this earth,
no one could imagine the uniqueness in her birth...
She grew up too fast drinking coffee at five,
mom always drank it to keep her energy alive....
Her family was dysfunctional as most late 20th century families wind up,
So she was pretty much an adult at 5 yrs old with that creamy first cup.
But when she did reach the ages where kids become teens and teens become adults,
She'd grown a pretty thick skin and then pretty indifferent to all the insults,
She gives 110% to the people in her life and even those that cause her strife,
Because she's a more than giving person, she learned that skill from her father's wife.
TMel finally reached her prime when she moved out of NY at 17,
She handled the transition well, for she'd never actually been 17,
More like 21 since she was still a preteen,
She never reached the ages that one goes through in between.
She experienced life from the perspective of a young woman,
but her decision making and risk taking were sometimes inhuman.
Now she's in the year where 21 would finally fit her reality,
And she's made enough mistakes that she won't again see any fantasy.
She's seasoned in her pain and even wiser in her main...
She is becoming a woman who no other will ever be the same.
TMel, a recent alias for a girl who found her way,
To a place where she'd be happy, eventually some day.
The drama served her well now she's broken out of her shell,
She's now a unique version of a girl that knows most things well.
No, she is not the wisest, but her intelligence is only growing,
She does not boast about anything without really knowing.
Today people benefit from the life she chose to live,
Because she chose a life where love for her was simply just to give.

She does not give her heart to everyone, she doesn't give her better parts to anyone..
She is simply T...
Giving her perspective and directive
on those things we struggle to see
Because we're not sure what's meant to be.
Her philosophy is as such:
Life doesn't really take much.
Just face it head on and everything you must touch.
Things will only work itself out if you face it without doubt.
So believe in what you seek and you will find yourself at the beginning of a beautiful week*

T*Mel

If I....

I was listenin to Destiny's Child this morning and found myself jonesin to an old fav... "If" from Destiny Fulfilled.. somehow I'm feeling like I'm temporarily fulfilled, but then I find myself back where I started, feeling half empty. Anyway, here's my "If I."

If I told you I didn't mean it
Would you still let me hate you?
Would you let me walk around and never again see you?
Would you even realize that everyday I'd miss you?

If I wanted to run away would you even ask me to stay?
Or would you let me go and hope that I'd come back some day?
Would you miss my smile and the silly but cute games that I play?
Would you wake up and listen closely to hear for anything I'd say?

If I never opened my eyes,
Would we have ever known each other?
Would you be just a cool nerd or just another brother?
Would you notice me in the streets as simply just another?

If I disappeared today and took all the memories with me...
Would you still somehow find away to remember?
Would there be a spot in your heart for me to always be a member?
Would you think of your life as missing an '08 December?

If you don't know, I want you to know that I'd miss your smile, your hugs and your eyes and your style, and while I may eventually get over this trial, it's hurting like hell and I know it will for a while.

Miss Independent

She Got Her Own (Miss Independent Remix) feat. Jamie Foxx and Fabolous - Ne-Yo

I don't expect nothin from anyone...
anything I need to do I myself get it done.
I handle my own and deal with sh*t alone.
It's just nice sometimes to pick up a phone.

But I got it, it's cool I got it. I got it.
The things that I want I maybe don't really need.
But sometimes my appetite I desire to feed.
I'm independent I'm not someone easy to read.
But ever so often there's one I'll let see.

That's why I'm supposed to keep my cool...
Never let anyone, not a soul make me the fool.
You got it backwards, I got my own boo.
I'm not one that can afford to always need you.

Do you realize this? That I got it? I got my own sh*t. Don't doubt it.