Choked Up

I came home determined to write something...
But I don't where to start.
I'm choked up on my thoughts, let alone my words
Because I'm biting my tongue not to use my verbal sword.

An awkward emotional reaction is what I like to call it..
When rage wells up in my eyes and tears try not to fall.
I'm aggravated, annoyed... Slightly lonely but not destroyed.

What you fail to see is the strength that is within me,
So if you have something say....Let it out, please don't shield me.

I can handle what you, may think I cant..
Because all it will take to be done with,
Is a short and sweet verbal rant*

Battle of the Voices (Part 1)

Anger is my best emotion..
it fits me well, guides me even better...
It's a perfect mask when you hide behind a flask.
"drink up lil lady, before the business starts gettin shady.
You know the drill, everything's happening the same lately.
Think about it.. do you hate me?
For placing this glass in your hand n letting this toxic substance take thee?"

Who the fucc are you???
Get out of my head and leave me to drown instead!
In the sorrows that have become me, the headache that has won me..
I Quit. I don't think I ever wanted to do it..
All the drama all the karma is swirling around me and it only settles,
When I sip...
Sip this blood-colored liquid that keeps me from boiling over cause I'm livid.

Stop asking your ignorant questions, leave your guilty conscience elsewhere...
Because right now, my drink n this cloud of smoke is for all I really care.
Do you hear me? I'm done!
Bitter heartless bitch you say?
Ok.
Be that way...
Your lack of understanding is the difference here, night and day.

"I will love you anyway, even if you cannot stay,"

Stop!!

"Ohh, sweet thing.. don't you know you're my everything?"

No, you to me, are simply nothing.

Fresh Start

i started my new internship today with Philly Weekly and I must say, I am smitten with excitement for what the rest of the summer has in store for me... But with this new internship come a new beginning.. a fresh start.

I didn't like the feeling I was getting from my last internship.. I felt falsified, almost an inanimate object, an unmovable force with no real discourse for the next three months, and it scared the hell outta me. I was sitting at my desk and happened to be email-checking (one of the many addictions that helped me get through my NY Mondays..) I was trying to stick it out cause I loved the feeling of being in my city for a taste of its flavor, but it wasn't real.. The taste I expected to be sweet, was only sweet to my eyes, but bitter on my tongue. It wasn't Frank Sinatra who had sung, New York State of Mind was only sung by an impostor, and that sweet bus ride only became a trip down memory lane.. A trip I wasn't ready to repeat every week for the next 12 weeks.. so I had to cut it loose before the cancer chewed me up... I was suffocating in my own beloved city. And somehow feeling at home in this strange "second city..." Philly.

Giving credit where it's due, my life here is always something new. It's my escape when the hardships or depression starts to rape my emotional state of being when I'm home.. Could it be, that my default Philly residency as made me truly Philly? It's a fresh start, and today showed me there's more hear than I ever cared, or dared, to look for... What else is in store? Where am I going from here? It's a fresh start, and the most darkest thing on my mind is lighter than anything I felt before my move.... Maybe that was what I needed.. a new setting, a new social surrounding, a new genre of entertainment, and a new aspect of my own endeavors... Who knew I'd even think about video... who knew I would be published Day 1 at Philly Weekly!

I'm excited, yet I'm scared. Because all that I use to fear, is no longer really here.. I'm almost too comfortable to be comfortable with the way this new start is looking.. So I'm relaxing and not stressing, and this summer I'll be "booking." (novel writing, oh the possibilities for the end of the summer....)

Until then, enjoy my video story on Philadelphia's Bloomsday Celebration.

Consider This.

Every step you take to defeat me, works.
But when all is said and done, the cleansing process has long begun.
The pain is a blur, almost a pleasure to me now....
The happiness that I once felt is long gone for me now.
The effort that I put forth,
Seems no longer of any worth.
The you that meant the world to me,
I've found a way to let it be.
So when it feels easiest to erase me from existence...
Know that your persistence meets certain consequence,
And that is, an absolute absence.

My Bare Naked Soul

After a long discussion this week with a fellow respectable writer-type friend... I've reached a frightening revelation.... outsiders have sensed my hesitation... and criticized me for it.... so I'm simply vowing this: no more sugar-coated goodness on my end....no more happy endings that never really are the end... no more leaving untouched forbidden angles.... I'm baring me in entirety... That being said... this is my bare naked soul.
(think of this as an updated version of the Essence of Tara*)

Maybe I thought I was fooling some of you, but
Fooling myself now that would never be true.
I'm a tower of strength when I want to be....
But maybe not so much when I actually need to be.
I'm an emotion-less being who enjoys an occasional opportunity to cry...
So if I'm in a type of mood don't bother to ask me why.
I find myself angry only at people that matter to me....
So it's actually a good thing if I find something maddening.
It's when I brush you off with a laugh or a loose shake of my head...
Because you're just wasting precious time that I could be cherishing instead.
I'm considerate...probably more so than anyone you know,
Excuse me, but fucc you if sometimes I have to let that go.
When the drama reaches unnecessary levels my mind goes slightly disheveled,
So i laugh.
Laugh because I have inappropriate reactions to unfortunate events..
Not cry because I'd rather hold it in until I can really vent.
Give me a reason to hold a grudge,
And from my stubborn state I promise not to budge.

: I'm simply a woman trying to leave a tiny footprint on your life... I'm not here to cause you grief but more of a sort of relief.. maybe even a release, when you find yourself stuck cause you shouldn't give a fucc but everything's gone amuck, and all that's left is my somewhat relevant words that hopefully you will have heard. I'm the voice inside your head that you've sometimes even wished dead, because even though you know that i'm right, it's me that you still continue to fight. I'm reason and explanation to your nonsensical fuzzy world. I'm a realistic lady, the product of a broken naive baby.

This me so far I must admit is quite the breeze...
It's tomorrow and 10 years from now that cause my chest to freeze.
Or burn rather, but I'll let you know how that goes,
Because right now, no one knows.

When I Said what I Said

Sometimes people don't really listen to me when I speak, and then they end up being shocked when things happen exactly the way I said they would only they don't remember me saying it! Anywho, to all those confused about what I mean when I say what I say:

When I said what I said, I think it may have pierced an artery,
What I said was simply deafening to the oratory,
When I said what I said, I meant every last word.
I wasn't dancing around the issue, my points were meant to be heard.
Were you listening, when I said what I said?
Or were you too busy, imagining me naked instead?
Naked in body but also in my soul,
You wish you could see what my future will hold..
When I said what I said, I didn't mean to sound cold,
I just wanted you to notice the path that is to unfold.
Truth be told, what I said was rather bold.
And though my arms I may fold, it's my eyes that haven't rolled.... Back
To darkness then around again to reality,
Are you nervous darling? or will you take another stab at me?

When I said what I said, I wasn't looking for a response.
What I said was necessary, intellectually driven, the renaissance.
When I said what I said, I was talking to myself.
Admitting to me how I really felt... a feeling recently I haven't dealt, with.
But then it was over quick.

the words escaped so fast,
I realized their meaning wouldn't last.
When I said what I said,
I was me in all honesty.
did you believe me?

And just like that

The nonchalant response had me second guessing my emotions
but apparently he was exposed to a truly lethal potion.
Today is here... not a week near.
And good bye is at the tip of my tongue but its a dreaded expression my voice just hasn't sung..
Just like that I gave a casual hug,
Just like that my stomach gave an awkward tug...
Just like that I wanted to be a little smug,
So he wouldn't notice my sad little shrug..
Of my incapability of actually convincing he.

Just like that I turned away,
Set out for a quiet alone kinda day.
Just like that I had nothing left to say..
And Just like that I lost my way.
Just like that we parted ways,
Just like that I exited an old phase.
Something like that will lead to some rough days...
But after the tough days will come calmer days..
And I'll eventually be in a better state
When I finally realize that there's nothing left to wait.. for.

Just like that I've found myself missing my most exciting adventure....And just like that I must heal my heart's ragged puncture.

Just like that, i muster up the courage and heave a deep sigh,

Good, bye.