Forbidden Langauge

#10. "The Letters I've Never Sent"

2011-10-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

10.12.2011

Dear Mom,

I wanted to let you know that I'll be okay. I had a dream the other day, of me a few years from now. I was so happy.

I was in love. I was successful. I had a house. I never stopped smiling. I want to let you know that you are my rock. I would wait to tell you all of this, but why bother? It means as much now as it ever will that you know how much I respect you.

You have mastered the art of motherhood, regardless of how any of us may seem now. You love us, protect us, and encourage us everyday, and you are appreciated.

The dream that I had the other day? It was my wedding day, you were in the front row laughing and crying all the same, perhaps at who the groom was (because so was I). An unlikely companion, but fitting for what we already know I believe in. I don't have many loves in this world, but you are at the top of the list, along with the family you've created.

Sometimes I worry that dreaming too close to reality is a dangerous thing, but I can't help it. Perhaps I reached a place where I can't tell the difference, nor do I want to, because I am living my dream. You never demanded I choose a different path, and I know I'll be okay.

Hard times are ongoing, but so is fulfillment. I want you to know that I am trying. I will not stop trying to achieve my goals, and no matter how long it takes, I will get there. Watch and see.

Are you worried I'm not seeing what's in front of me? Or that maybe I'm chasing something I will never catch? You've never let on that you are, and I thank you for that. Thank you for trusting me to make my own sound decisions.

But about that dream that I had the other day. I was so happy. I laughed and I smiled, I cried, I practically ran down the aisle! Completely shocked at my eager actions in my dream, I was subconsciously seeing the me I've been afraid of for so long. The one that believes in love, companionship, and all the other makings of some day starting my own family.

No one is perfect. I'm certainly far from it. I'm most comfortable admitting my flaws and expressing my own doubt; some weird defense mechanism I guess. But for some reason I can't get there today. I'm just all positive all the time.

I know good things are coming. I mean all this happy has to be unnatural! Perhaps I'm preparing for good news of some kind, just not sure what kind yet. But I'll let you know.

I wanted you to know that I'm going to be okay.

We all are.

#9. "The Letters I've Never Sent."

2011-09-26T09:24:00.001-07:00

9.24.2011

To the one that helped me realized my potential,

I have no hesitance in saying you were my favorite teacher. Of course there were the teachers that shaped my adolescence, drove me in the direction of my heart and convinced me to trust myself rather than their judgments of me. But you were the catalyst. The tipping point I’ve been searching for.

I knew this was true a long time ago, but I was afraid you might find the nature of this letter inappropriate. It really isn’t, but I was always concerned with my overbearing emotions connecting me to everyone I come in contact with. I am emotional in everything that I do therefore I know this is the perfect time to let you know all that you did for me.

Did you know that I had no faith in myself? I thought a career in journalism was a mask. That it was my way of hiding the fact that the only thing I thought I was good at was putting words on paper. Then I met you.

I sat front row in your first class, and I made the decision that I would take this seriously. I wouldn’t cruise through the curriculum nor would I look for a way out. I would see it to the end. You talked about journalism like it was this adventure, only everyday or every story was a new one. You made me a believer. You also made me realize I could do this. Thank you.

The classes were not the most exhilarating if I’m being honest, but you were so enthusiastic in the potential that sat before you. I could tell—you were looking forward to what we would become. The tipping point wasn’t that though. It was the post-GWM era. When you went to bat for me. On more occasions than one.

Remember that internship you encouraged me to go after? My adventure that started in DC, and then left there after mastering the art of networking and molding my passion for politics in a way that I could some day use in my journalism career? I would never have made it there without you. I almost felt as though I owed it to you to do well. To chase what I wanted. And I did.

I’m not sure I ever really felt you were my teacher. I saw you more as my mentor. The person I knew would want to hear about my post-undergrad pursuits. The person who wasn’t afraid to recommend for whatever I asked, because you knew I wouldn’t let you down. So this is simply my thank you.

Thank you for believing. Even if you were doing what you always do, and it wasn’t a big deal nor an isolated incident, thank you for going to bat for me. Thank you for telling me what I could do better with my stories, and thank you for turning my lacking internship experience in New York into a true hands-on learning experience with my return to Philly and the internship at Philly Weekly.

Thank you for doing what you do best: for making me aware of my potential, giving me the opportunities to realize it, and always taking a few minutes to chat when I came running back to you for advice.

Thank you for helping me reason with myself. I don’t know who or where I’d be otherwise.

I owe you.

#8 'The Letters I've Never Sent.'

2011-09-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

9.15.2011

To My Sweetheart,

The only one I ever really had. You've controlled much of my life for far too long, how did that happen? You were never mine, but I obsessed over you, knowing I would never have you. My nearest and dearest warned me, but I didn't care. I just had to have you, I had to be consumed by my constant thoughts of you.

I wish I could have told you how deep my feelings went. I wanted you to know you were special. You were so important, and now I've rendered you insignificant. How selfish of me. Or maybe you were the selfish one.

You allowed me to feel this way. Actually, you encouraged me. I was at my weakest when you were around. I think I knew you liked the 'helpless' role I played so I fed into that. I don't really regret that, but I regret all of my other actions that led me to end up without you. I never did put my foot down.

I don't believe a woman who says a man led her on. The signs are there, but it's her choice to ignore or misinterpret them. You never led me on, but you were beyond confused. I think in a way you felt the same, but you were afraid, so you took your first exit out. I just held on to your confusion, which eventually led to my own.

You were my only real sweetheart. You talked to me, looked at me, and took my face in your hands like I was yours. And I held on to that. I didn't want to imagine we were anything else.

You were my only real sweetheart. But I'm convinced I never was yours. And that's okay. You became one of my most difficult lessons learned, and I'm much stronger now than I've ever been.

I owe that all to you.

Your momentary love,
T.

#7 "The Letters I've Never Sent."

2011-09-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

To My Best Friend.

I wrote you a poem ages ago, do you remember? We laughed about how absurd our friendship was, how irrational everyone on the outside acted, and how crazy it is to be so committed, without the commitment. Maybe not in those exact words, but that was the general gist of it. I wanted to update you, on where and how we've grown.

It's been a bumpy road, and I know you'd argue this is only recently so, and maybe you're right, maybe you're not. But still, bumpy it was, and scary. Moments would pass when I was afraid of you. Afraid of what we were doing, how we were holding on, and whether it was still the same.

I worried that you outgrew me, or I you, but one or both of us was in denial. I worried that we had nothing left, but refused to admit it and fought to keep it going, only we ended up fighting each other. I was afraid you didn't believe in best friends anymore, or at least not in the female form. But as usual things happened, and our relationship prevailed.

I'm not sure what our status is, what our friendship means anymore, but I know what it's always meant, and I'm not ready for the end. I just wish we were on the same page, and I think we are, but sometimes I don't think you know if we are. I'm here to tell you.

The life around us hasn't changed much--we've only gotten older, maybe less reliable at 3am (on my part at least), and maybe less chatty on the every day but more thoughtful on the long term. We've expanded our interests, we got a bit smarter, and we developed our own opinions, that now seem to disagree more than ever.

I think it's healthy though, our disagreements. It's never normal for two people to completely agree on absolutely everything, don't you think? I love that about us, the fact that you hate when I disagree and I love to disagree? It's sort of a guilty pleasure. Forgive me if that's wrong, it's just me.

Are you at all worried about our future? Do you think about 10 years from now? Do you realize we're actually almost at 10 years and we've managed to keep the damage to a relative minimum? It's rather impressive, considering the implosion of numerous friendships for both of us, it's quite hilarious. And admirable, that we prevailed.

I told you once the world wasn't ready for us, and today I can honestly say I'm not sure we're ready for us, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the us we haven't met yet, the '10 years from now,' the 'back in the day' reminisces, and the accountability. You are still one of the only people I trust inside and out, whether that's insane or encouraging, it doesn't really matter. It just speaks to the strength that is us. Or is supposed to be us.

I told you once the world wasn't ready for us. And it wasn't--still isn't. It's rare that a man and a woman could last this long in a situation like ours: one sans emotional corruption, intimate disruption and chemical distraction. Bravo to us for being so unique!

I think it's worth it, the bumpy roads, the sudden turns and occasional uncertainties.

Don't you?

#6 'The Letters I've Never Sent.'

2011-09-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

You are the 'me' I sometimes wish I could be. Your strength inspires me, and your success is well deserved.

Our failures are humbling and my flaws are my humility. But your sensitivity to my inequity is much appreciated. I try not to consider a life without your presence--without your wisdom and your criticism, without your realness.

I need you. And yes, I take advantage of you. But we all do--it's a natural occurrence in any lasting relationship. But it's a matter of how long it takes before you realize and rectify your own abuse. I check myself often, do you?

I love you, and I'm capable of loving at all because of you. While this is true I am not afraid to tell you what I think, yet I'm still sensitive to your needs and your ability to handle me.

I may be a bit much, I've been told I pry, I pressure, and maybe I put my two cents in when no one's asking. My bad. Hazard of the job--the job of seeing you reach your full potential. You didn't hire me, but I hired myself, because I know what we're all capable of. I just refuse to let us mess it all up for ourselves. Forgive me for wishing the best of you. I really do apologize.

I wish we could fast forward to the day we're all where we want to be. So we can all lounge around, on a beach or on a mountain, and basque in our success, and our content with our lives, and satisfaction with the roads traveled, and those not.

Since we can't I will simply wait. It's coming. And we're all headed there. Just wait and see. We will all find our own sense of 'happy.'

Always,
T.

#5: 'The Letters I've Never sent.'

2011-09-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dear You,

You that's never made up your mind. You that can't seem to pick a life, pick a path, or pick up all of the pieces.

I wanted to give you a message. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Your indecisiveness is part of a much larger plan already laid out for you, you just haven't walked it yet. But you'll be fine. I believe in you. You should too.

Do you know what it's like to have no options at all?

I'm pretty sure you don't so don't worry about anything else. You will figure it out. I have no doubt.

Just keep going.

#4: 'The Letters I've Never Sent.'

2011-09-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

To the one who has it all,

You're such a funny character. Truly. I literally laugh in the quiet of my bed, reminiscing about the absurdities I've witnessed that define you. It's a great act--and one hard to follow.

What do you do though, when you've fulfilled all your wants? Do you think about your needs, or do you want so much that you don't need anything? You already have it all, but I get the impression you're not completely satisfied.

And when do you stop and think, how much greed can I possess? Is it really worth all of these things that are worthless? The valuable eventually become worth less, because sooner or later there's a new shiny toy that you must have.

A car or a person? Maybe a vacation, or some electronic device. Or a new challenge in life, those are priceless.

What do you do when you have it all? Do you stop in your tracks, take a breather, and start up again--or do you pop the e-brake, pull over and let someone else drive for a while? What do you do?

I'd be stuck in neutral, waiting for your opinion. I never was good at making my own decisions. I mean I make them, but I'd rather not. It's just easier that way, with someone else's influence and his physical being to blame for your screw ups. Not that I screw up a lot, but perhaps you do? You understand right? No? Maybe it's just me.

I wouldn't want to have it all--I enjoy the thrill of chasing it all. But it's nice to see what it looks like, and for the most part, you seem to do it right.

Care to share your secret?
I'm curious to know.

#3 'The Letters I've Never Sent.'

2011-09-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

My dearest friend,

I know you think you don't care, but I know better. I won't believe that you've given up on me, that you've dismissed me and will disregard me. I know you don't understand, but I think you want to.

I wouldn't say betrayal is your strong suit, but you've performed so beautifully with others that you probably didn't think twice. Betrayal only works when one of the 2 parties involved is left in complete and utter shock and despair. I was neither. I knew this was coming, I just didn't know when.

But it's the way we work now--and though I'm not okay with it, I can deal with it, but only for so long. I'll wait for the day that you realize you were wrong, and I know that I'll only keep waiting. Stubborn should be your middle name.

I know you think you don't care, but I know better. I believe you appreciate the heavy. The words too strong to say out loud but perfect for the written word. The proclamations and expectations that we both have for eachother--like me irrationally believing you will change one day, and you irrationally believing I won't expect change from your worst. It's a phase, on both ends, and soon it will pass.

We will find a middle ground, but it's a timeless struggle. I can't say how long it's been or how long it will be that we've fought this war, but sooner or later an end will arise. And we'll both know better. We'll know better than to question the thin lines that define who we are apart, who we are together, and who we actually want to be for the rest of our lives.

I know you think you don't care, but I know that you know, decisions must be made. Life is a series of decisions--the good and the bad. And caring is the only way to see ourselves through to the other side.

While you think you don't care, I'll care enough for the both of us...this is a woman's world after all. But I know you'll meet me half way some day. I just know.

I know you don't think you care. And that's fine. Just know that I always have.

t.

'The Letters I've Never Sent.'- #2

2011-09-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

9.6.11

To the master of the game,

I think we secretly enjoy this dangerous game. The one where we have a rhythmic series of highs and lows until one of us blows our top and some one ends up dead and alone? Yeah--we enjoy this. The drama and anticipation of not knowing who's turn is next, the anxiety of what it will take to bring your next high and what you must do to prevent your next low.

We love it. We can't get enough of it. We live for the drama...it's the only excitement left in this strange, never-moving-forward relationship. And you always think you're winning--but you really should consider investing in the long term.

You see every little loss I have up front gets added to the bag of my future gains. Just one step closer.. All the L's I've gained mean nothing next to your W's--but they will. It's all a part of a much larger plan, one that involves such a huge loss that neither of us really wins--we just go on as though nothing happened.

Except one thing.

We lose each other. The blows that I've taken are just adding to the bag. You're slowly losing me though it seems I've already lost you. But if the game stays on track, we'll be playing again soon, but will we?

Just keep adding to the bag. A loser can only handle so much defeat. Then our retaliation will be sweet. Nice guys finish last but good girls will always win. Keep that in mind.

So what's our next game? Texas Hold Em? Think you can call my bluff? I got a mean poker face. Or maybe you're more interested in the luck of the draw--I'm always up for a quick round of black jack.

But again be advised, my losses are part of a much bigger plan. And I'm sure you're dying to know. In time my friend, the game's only just begun.

Tag, you're it.

New Series: 'The Letters I've Never Sent.'

2011-09-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

I know, I'm the worst when i get caught up in my life but not to worry some tragedy always brings me back to my words. Seeing as the most recent tragedies (a bit dramatic, sue me) seem like reoccurring ones, and in a random twist of fate I've written several unaddressed letters, to the same person, I'm turning them into my next book project. If you can't fix it, write it. Right?

Enjoy Letter #1

9.5.2011

To The One That Walked Away,

I haven't realized before now how much power you have over me. Excuse me, had over me. Maybe it's an insecurity thing, or some backwards appreciation thing, or maybe it's just a disrespectful thing. Endless opportunities to right your many wrongs, but instead I right wrongs for you, that I haven't even committed, but manifested to simply fix it.

Foolish as it may be, that worked for me, for a while. As long as I didn't have to face it up front, I could bury it, my weakness, my powerless-against-you epiphany, my fear. I've felt this way for a few years now, but never knew just quite what it was. But it's clear now, it's always been fear. Or disappointment. Maybe both.

Regardless, you've betrayed me, and I've betrayed me. Because I keep letting you control me. I keep assuming that you need me, the way that I need you, but I'm wrong. You don't know what you need, and I only want to need you. It's a powerful thing--necessity. It drives you to places you'd never admit you frequent, but denial is the first sign you have a problem; admitting it is the first step to recovery.

I can't forgive you for the hurt you constantly cause me. I can't forgive you for your arrogance, your stubborn nature that makes you cruel and uneasy to talk to. I can't forgive you for treating me like nothing, because I'm not nothing. I can't forgive you.

But I want to.

There in lies the powerless state I fear. I want to forgive you for years of betrayal, of my trust, and of us. We were never lovers, but I loved you, and I still do, even though you betrayed me. I am the ultimate hypocrite, because what they say is true. There's no room for logic in matters of the heart. And I'll say it again--we were not lovers, but I loved you. I loved what we were, unshakeable friends who would do anything for each other. Friends that never had to hide our most vulnerable selves, and never doubted the others judgment, even if we disagreed.

I can't forgive you. Not for the agony that you've brought me. Not for the uncertainty that you've caused me, about us and anyone else in my life that tries to get that close. Not for the hatred you spewed in your rage. Not for the apparent disregard for my fragility. Not for the opened wounds that you dig deeper and deeper into when the timing's completely wrong.

I can't forgive you. But I want to.

Detrimentally yours,
Me.

Youth of America

2011-04-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

I have an even greater respect for Lupe Fiasco after his Roseland Ballroom 'Lasers' show. His energy and creative genius as a rapper was the perfect disguise for who I've discovered him to really be--a true poet.

A real, raw, powerful, force to be reckoned with, poet. Thus, my praise and response to his Youth of America.

We have a job to do, Youth of America.
One we tend to forget and perhaps even ignore,
but it's our destiny Youth of America.
Yes, have your dreams but leave opened a door, or two
for those searching for a place, the future Youth of America.

We have a job to do Youth of America.
Protect the land of the free and unveil its flaws for all to see.
Because I am not perfect and neither are you Youth of America!
But we damn sure can try to restore what this place used to be.
Youth of America.
THIS...is your home. Your greener pastures...your be all end all and your playground.
Keep your head on your shoulders and your loved ones safe and sound.
Youth of America, everyone's counting on you!
Yes you'll make mistakes but we expect you to DO. Anything.
Anything and everything rather than absolutely nothing.
To right the wrongs of the past and present, and recognize the beautiful things.

Because you, me...WE--Youth of America...are the last breath.
Are you up for the test?

You thought wrong.

2011-01-21T21:10:00.000-08:00

Did you really think that I would go that easily?

That quietly or that feebly?

Did you really think you'd gotten rid of me?

Relieved me from respective duty?

Did you really think?

Did you really think the things you thought,

that led to the discussion/the reasons that we fought?

That a bottom line fracture was the only item to be bought?

Did you?

Did you really let me leave and question everything about me?

Everything I thought I knew and everything I see,

the reasons that we shouldn't fight, reasons that shouldn't be?

Did you really think that I would just let you be?

Did you really brush me off and shrug your shoulders, unconcerned?

Make a decision that affects me without my having discerned?

Did you really think that "abrasive" was the tactic I deserved?

Or was it simply your defense mechanisms dishing out what I have earned?

Did you really think that you would get rid of me that easily?

That I'd go quietly or feebly?

Do you really think you didn't hurt me?

Or do you think it was your intention to berate me?

You thought wrong.

No One Understands.

2011-01-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

No one understands.
I mean, I don't even understand.
The way I clenched my fists in both of my hands,
And gritted my teeth to fine grains of sand.

No one understands.
I mean, I don't even know.
Were you just putting on a show?
Or are you truly letting me go?

I mean I don't know why
or how you could easily say goodbye.
You never even tried,
But literally turned a blind eye.

No one understands,
I mean I don't know what it's like.
To be inside your head when anger strikes,
And unnecessary stress does anxiety spike.

No one understands,
I mean I don't know what to do.
I'm confused on what is true,
and I'm afraid to not know you.

No one understands.
I mean I really, really don't.
Because compromise you won't.

And me, I'm just misunderstood.
But you wouldn't even try if you could.
Finally I know where I've always stood.
And no one understands.

I am so sick.

2011-01-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of the stress of it all,
So sick of the theatrics,
the production of it all.

I am so sick of the pressure of it all.
Sick of the anxiety,
and drama of it all.

I am so sick of the anger of it all,
of the pain,
and the drain of it all.

I am so sick of it all.

My biggest fear

2011-01-16T12:01:00.001-08:00

My biggest fear is not knowing you.
Not seeing you,
but needing you.

My biggest fear is not trusting you.
Not hearing you,
and not getting through to you.

My biggest fear is about to come true.
Because you've not only neglected you,
But you've neglected me when I reach out to you.

My biggest fear has come true,
as I grapple with the thought of living without you.

My biggest fear is losing you.
My best friend,
the voice in my head,
the piece of me that made me wise.

My biggest fear... is you.

would you rather fly or be invisible?

2011-01-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

Last night a creepy man in a bar asked me if I'd rather fly or be invisible.

To my own shock, I replied: Invisible.

Invisible because they're all looking at me. Invisible because they shouldn't see me like this. Invisible because I don't really want to talk. Just want to be able to sit in the corner under a dim lamp, and write. Laugh out loud at my own jokes, cry at the thoughts I scribble on my pages, make funny faces just because, I'm invisible.

Invisible because I don't like to be in crowds, I don't like to be gawked at by the one creep on the train, I don't want to be approached by the apparent grandpa at a lounge, and I don't want to ask what's wrong when someone else looks put out. Because I'm put out, and I don't want you to have to ask me either.

Invisible because my drama is my own, not yours, his, hers, or anyone else's. Invisible because nobody really cares anyway, and if they tell you they do, they're full of shit and trying to impress you. But it won't last long.

Invisible because it would be easier than trying to be myself. It would be easier than having to look at you looking at me look at you. Waiting. Invisible because sometimes all I want to do is be alone, yet still in the company of significant individuals.

Invisible because I want to be naked. Not have to worry about what I look like in the light, nor have to worry about what flaws are now exposed.

Invisible because it's the ultimate defense mechanism when already nobody sees you.

I chose invisible because invisibility, always protected me. And now that I'm out in the opened, I have no fortress. I am vulnerable. I am aware.

And now, so are you.

have you ever?

2011-01-15T22:06:00.001-08:00

Have you ever cried so much that your eyes started to hurt?
That to blink was a burden?
To breathe was a stretch?
And to sleep, impossible?

Have you ever cried so much that your tears completely dried up?
And you reached to wipe your face and only felt the salty residue?
That you had to wash your face to remove the splotchy remnants?
Or you tried to splash your eyes to hide the crimson-redness?

Have you ever cried so hard that you wish you had no feelings?
That all your mental womanliness escaped you for a day,
and your ability to have emotions could completely go away?
That you couldn't feel pain, sadness or sorrow?
Or utter betrayal?

Have you ever looked in the mirror, and not known who you are?
Because the eyes looking back at you were frozen in a different time?
And the thought-stricken stare that stared back at you,
Could not have been your own because it actually frightened you?

I have.

the You that i want You to be.

2010-08-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

You know,

You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that worried and tried to look out for me.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you and don't want to see.

You're not the you that you used to be.
The you that I loved and trusted the most.
The you who I knew made for a friend I could boast.
You're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're not you or even ready to be.

the You that i want You to be,
would never actually question me.
You wouldn't dismiss me but listen to me.
the You that i know You to be,
trusts me.

But now you're not the you that I want you to be.
Because you're hesitating to grow up,
I know cause you told me.

I expect you to be the you I want you to be.
But I'll settle for the you that you appear to be.

Useless Attempts

2010-07-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

I spent a huge chunk of today reminiscing on old friends, resenting my stubborn nature, and hating my insecurities. Now it's midnight and I think I've had enough.

What's the use of it all really?
To remember the things that hurt the most,
to wish for things and make happy toasts,
to try and rekindle old flames with gone-folks?

What's the use of it?

Useless attempts at a present, burdened by your past.
If it didn't work then what now could make it last?
When you're lonely and confused you make decisions too fast...
So what's the use of it?

Useless...useless..USEless...useLESS....
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight;
when you're irrational decision may potentially alter your fate...
when you're bored in your bed and remember a former mate...
USE LESS words when you're not thinking straight.

What's the use of it really?
In the end you will only feel silly..
For your own attempts make you look over-willing..
Vulnerability.

Useless attempts and vulnerability,
they're useless.
And to us?

Attempts at broken pasts only end with things that won't last.

Identifying With the Other Side

2010-05-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

I've taken on a new guilty pleasure; Parenthood. Partly because of my addiction to Gilmore Girls, partly because I'm a sucker for gushy television, I thought it would be a good investment of my time to have a good laugh or cry once a week at a moment of my choosing. But I've found myself identifying with the one character least like me.

For those of you that watch the show, Amber Braverman is a beautiful fiery brunette with not a fear in the world (at least on the surface) and no restrictions. She is broken though, possibly because mommy Braverman is broken too and seems to struggle to make things right. But Amber and me, we bond every Friday or Saturday night I launch Hulu.com to catch up on the latest episode. She goes through a lot of what I went through in high school, only more exaggerated and slightly more dark emo-type emotions than I've ever felt.

But she's so smart! She's like one of those closet geniuses, who will never admit that she's smart to the cool kids but secretly dreams of going to Yale? Yeah, that was me in high school, minus the genius part and minus the balls (excuse me), Guts to actually apply to Yale. Maybe I would've actually enjoyed my years in journalism academia had I gone to a school like that. Maybe. But back to Amber.

Somehow I find myself engrossed in her dilemma, feeling every emotion that drips off her tongue, and every tear that rolls down her cheek. And I know it's acting, but she's damn good at it! I'm even more connected to her in that she appears to resist her tears, but when they flow, they really flow. She's me, only she grew up in Fresno.... Idk.

Anyway, just wanted to give a couple lines about the chic cause she's quite awesome, and managed to become inspired for a quick line or two:

To Identify with the unidentifiable,
avoid conforming with the normalcy,
the oddly fiery secrecy of the other side,
screams at you with tenacity.
Identify with the unidentifiable,
You may find their personality, more viable,
than yours.

Exhaustion

2010-04-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

There's a fine line between exhaustion and being completely, utterly burnt out.

I think I'm playing with that line. But it feels good.
See I've decided that I am not as misunderstood
As I thought I was. But I misunderstood me. I needed to see that stress made me me and
DC.... completely enables me.

I think I'm playing with that line, bye being extremely wreckless.
So wreckless I haven't had time to notice... It's just me.
I've zoned out the world and I'm as alone as I can ever be.
But I'm not as worried anymore because
DC....completely enables me.

I think I'm playing with this fine line between exhaustion and being completely, utterly burnt out. But have no doubt,
I am aware that I create my own fears.
I ignore the obvious stares
from the people that ask me, "Why do you care?"
I've zoned them out too because 2010 is a new year.
And DC...completely enables me.

I am not afraid, I am not bored. But rather I am stressed and overwhelmingly busy.
I have let me lose the old me, and fully grasped the concept of the competitive, workaholic me.
Because DC....completely enables me.

And DC does not judge me.

Apologies

2010-04-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

In light of my addiction to Spartacus, the epic Starz series that's almost soft porn but allegedly a "true depiction of Roman times..." Apologies good blogosphere!

I've been M.I.A. a lot longer than I anticipated. Truth speaking, DC kinda reels me in and I can't find my way out sometimes. But I'm back. Still in DC though, actually currently en route from Philly on Greyhound.

Anywho, T* Mel words to follow shortly!

Party doesn't Matter?

2010-02-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

Being on the Hill this spring may be blinding, or brainwashing rather all the interns working for various congressional members during this 111th session of congress. The obvious disapproval across the isle of anything Democratic-sponsored is getting a little old, especially when it turns to outright disrespect (Massachusetts Senator Kirk's farewell address last Thursday was not well attended by other freshmen Senators on the Hill). I mean Scott Brown's defeat over Martha Coakley a few weeks ago shocked and awed Dems all over, but was it really that shocking?
Let's put that election into context.... Martha Coakley did NOT campaign well at all... Scott Brown was the "new hottness" as my political practicum professor might call it, sparking new energy in an aggravated, unheard independent voter population throughout the state, and who wouldn't turn to the "new hottness?" Also, Coakley called in the big dogs way too late in the show... President Obama is a people mover, but not 48 hrs before an election that was lost to begin with.....

Now let's look at PA.. Good old (I mean really old) Arlen Specter, the party flopper, the indecisive politically left but personally right incumbent candidate residing in Philadelphia. Pat Toomey, almost half his age, the conservative who would be the "new hottness" there, only Pennsylvania votes interestingly in these elections. With major urban areas voting Democratic, Specter needs to win over the independents, and I'm not sure he's reached that point yet. This past weekend interesting news surfaced: PA's Democratic party endorsed Specter!! The flip-flopper, the epitome of "politics-as-usual" the 44-yr republican was welcomed to the Dems and now even wins the endorsement over Joe Sestak???

It's possible that party labels don't really matter anymore.. It's all for show, republicans and democrats alike provide our political entertainment by pitting themselves against each other, but it doesn't really matter. Gubernatorial elections come down to the voters, and what really matters is voter turnout for Arlen Specter. Let's see if he gets it done.

Overstepping Boundaries

2010-02-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

I've never liked being someone who surrenders..... But since I've made this move, I've found my self much more complacent, and obedient. Maybe disciplined is a better word. But is discipline really a benefit when you're competing in one of the most intense atmospheres ever? OR is obedience and discipline overlooked, because nothing else about me is truly extraordinary in anyone's eyes? Maybe it is overlooked, maybe its miniscule in this sea of success I'm voluntarily drowning myself in, because no one else is forcing this on me.... But I am extraordinary.

Maybe not in ways that you would agree,

But in many more than one, I'm extraordinary.

An article can still make me cry,

The New Yorker Talk of the Town on Haiti made me cry....

Because I care too much, emotionally invested, that's why.

I'm extraordinarily passionate.

Unafraid of being unfortunate.

Because it doesn't exist..

My fortunes are someone else's misfortunes,

Such is the same in reverse, in portions

With what I achieve, I

understand what others may not truly perceive..

We live in a give and take world,

But we always wanna take.

Not enough of us give and not enough of us care to dare to question the motives of those who show us how to take.... How to cheat, how to steal, how to diplomatically overstep boundaries.

I'm extraordinary because I know boundaries.

I know you cannot diplomatically overstep anything...

So I overstep what I have to.. I take to task what I need to.

I challenge my existence, who I am, what that means, everyday.

I try to give and give in every possible way.. Love, life, support, comfort,

I'm extraordinarily equipped with more than enough it just takes the effort...

To execute.

Execute my overly stocked chamber of passion,

And show others compassion incidentally depleting my own...

But it's recyclable. So I know,

The emotions that I show..

There's more where that came from

And I will not be the person that deprives someone

Of what I know I'm capable of giving up some; attention.

Arthur Miller wrote it, "attention must be paid...."

attention must be paid to our most pathetic protagonist.

Are you hearing me? Not just listening but actually hearing me?

Ask yourself everyday what you can do for someone else....

And through that selfless quest you will find selfish reward.

But overstepping boundaries cannot be done diplomatically, only ruthlessly. With ambition, drive and passion, you will provide someone else's compassion.

Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board

2010-01-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

Remember when we were all obsessed with The Craft when we were young, (at least my girlfriends are)? We convinced ourselves that if we actually played light as a feather, stiff as a board, we actually would be "light as a feather stiff as a board, and levitate in front of our very eyes. Well, this poem isn't about the game.. It's about the lifestyle some women choose to live in order to achieve a body that is light as a feather stiff as a board.

Light as a feather stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board,
light light light, feather feather feather
20 more pounds to go, 3 more weeks with no solid foods.
Soups aren't all bad without anything in it.

Stiff as a board stiff as a board stiff as a board,
If i keep up this run my ass will be stiff as a board,
my abs will be rock solid.
Just ignore the faint feeling I get everytime I run two blocks.

Light as a feather light as a feather light as a feather.
If I keep on going I'll get my body back together.
No matter how crazy the weather
I'll be out there gliding like a feather..

Light light light.
I wanna be light enough that any ballroom dancer can easily lift me
that any crazy new pose he wants to try he can fix me.
that any thing i try to do I'll be able to easily.
Because I'll be light light light,
as a feather.

Light as a feather stiff as a board, light as a feather, stiff as a board, light as a feather stiff as a board.
One more cube of cheese, no crackers
a few more tears.
It's only been two years.
40 pounds dropped. I can reach 20 more.
Next time I'm hunched over, I'll remember to lock the door.

My head is light as a feather, my stomach's stiff as a board. And empty.
But I can't eat. But sometimes I have to, or he'll see me.
So I'll lock the door, and remind myself that he loves me.
He loves me more, more than ever before.
I wonder why...
because now I'm light as a feather stiff as a board.
And in his eyes....
I'm perfect.
I-m-per-fect.

2010

2010-01-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

20-10.

Let's split the year in half.

24 weeks to get your life back in order,
24 weeks to screw it up all over again.
A few just to relax.

2010 should be better, could be better, but what WOULD be better,
is if all the bullshit from the last never settled in my past.
2010 should be better, but I know better.

12 months.... some cold some hot...
Sounds like the people I know.

2010... doesn't it sound like one of the years of the "future?"
Where cars would be flying and ppl wore suits that looks like space suits...
Where vacations would happen on different planets, The Fifth Element was ill.

2010... it's really nothing special,
just a numerical assignment to another chapter in the world's history.
Where governments fucc up and people live their lives in misery.
2010...2020...2000... They all still sound funny.
the 90s sounded the best.

Resolutions are lame but I make them anyway.
In 2010 I will stop making plans.
Because they always fall through, and nobody else cares as much.
catch me if you can*

I'm going to laugh...

2009-11-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

I hate being laughed at, so instead,

I'm going to laugh everyday until it hurts, so you can't hurt me. so you can't take that away from me.. Because this is truly funny. This is a new form of comedy that when looked at from the inside could actually be a tragedy.. But I'm going to laugh constantly, my heart will not be beaten on consistently, she must beat on her own persistently. I'm going to laugh everyday until it hurts so bad I can't do anything else but cry... and crawl in my bed and scream through sobs why?! WHY?! I'm going to laugh everyday, until you finally go away. Just because you said you will, doesn't erase you in one whole day. I'm going to laugh everyday, until the absurdity becomes clarity...because right now this is really fuzzy to me.

I'm not even sure I believe it myself. I was doing so well till you brought me back to my hell... Oh life and it's fucced up ways, I'm going to laugh at you everyday. Do you hear me life? I laugh at your intentional strife! You will not defeat me, only I can do that.

So I'm going to laugh everyday until I can honestly say: I hate you. The rest of it, is completely up to you.

The World's Not Ready For Us (Part 2)

2009-11-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

I sat down to write part two of a very immature but still perfectly representative poem I wrote about my best friend back in high school. It's been a struggle, because I'm worried it will be received wrong. Much like I always worried we would be; received wrong. And then I realized, that's exactly the point. The poem will always be received wrong, because the world's not ready for us.

Sometimes, on purpose,
I'll pick a fight. Just to see how long it goes,
if it'll last beyond the night.

Sometimes, on purpose,
I'll make myself cry.
Because I feel that you still see me,
like I'm just one of the guys.

Sometimes, you irk me.
Really, really irk me.
But I love you anyway,
because I know I do the same,
every other day.

Sometimes, you're really wrong.
And you know I'm right,
But insist on fighting your fight.
Give up sometimes, it'll feel better
than the struggle of who knows better.

Sometimes, alone I'll smile.
Because I know if I called,
you'd at least chat for a while.
In company or not, you've
always put me first...
Which is probably why I'm the girl
a chic will curse..

Sometimes, you're too stubborn.
But you wouldn't be you if you weren't.
I've accepted every flaw in you (not many),
And you know all of mine...
No one else today would truly spend the time
to get to know me. And that's fine.

Sometimes,
I wish we were married,
So I wouldn't have to fear being alone
it would be perfect.
I love you enough to say I do but I'm not in love with you
so you can do what you do...
And I know you get that!!!
Which would make our marriage even more true.

Sometimes,
I wish you'd take me seriously,
like when I feel like I might die and
you barely even ask why?
I do cry... out of anger..
And you're the only one that knows that.
Everyone else just thinks I'm sad, but fucc that.

Sad is of the weak,
but my tears are not defeat..
Rather a passive aggression that I choose,
I choose to avoid the aggravation.

Sometimes when I sleep,
I laugh to myself at your last story.
The funny one you told me?
It's a comfort when I'm angry.

Sometimes I miss you too much
Sometimes you become my clutch..
Sometimes, I'm not ready for us.
But the world's not ready for us.
Sometimes, I challenge my trust...
Just to see where it will lead us.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see you on the other side.
And that's when I know, You'll always be by my side.
Thank you.

This isn't about me.

2009-11-17T08:23:00.001-08:00

This poem isn't about me. It's about you. Before you fall on the defensive, then I can't really help you.

you,
and your broken heart,
broken soul and twisted mind.
crying eyes,
fake smiles you hide behind.

you,
are not the same.
you,
are not to blame. See
you,
you have been framed.

You don't like what you do but you do it anyway.
You don't plan on betrayal but it happens...
You have all this in love in you,
You can't see the definitive line in between love and hate though.
You've lost it. Completely.

This poem isn't about me.
It's about you.
the endless list of things you fear in this world,
the countless minutes you've spent thinking. Just thinking.
the continuous struggle of your soul and your mind... you alternate who wins, all the time.
the lack of hope you have left in you.
It's all about you.

You hold the future in your hands but you fear a life with any sans...
Sans love, sans drama, sans happiness, sans sadness.
Sans everything that makes a human being something living.
Sans the you you've become too familiar with,
Sans the you you've come to terms with..
Sans acceptance of the almost impossible.
Sans exceptions to the rules..
Sans the you you think is you.

This poem isn't about me.
It's about you.
See by being about you,
You cannot ignore me..
Me as the conundrum in you.
You cannot deny me,
Me all the things you know you need, that I have.
You cannot erase me truly,
Me is a permanent marker.
You have "sharpied" me into your skin,
You.
you have let the ink from my needle point pen pinch
You.
you cannot give in..

You are not a coward,
You have not lost...
You've only reached a point where you contemplate some loss..
You are not behind... Only too far ahead..
You may end up alone, but maybe
You need to...

You are no more a victim than the cause of your angst... but you will be fine.. You have said your goodbyes, as have I... but goodbyes are for the lost.. and You, you are not lost.

Effects of a Howl

2009-11-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

I just read Allen Ginsberg's Howl (for Carl Solomon), and I feel stuck. I have YET to read an American poet like him, and I'm shocked. America is a :melting pot: of cultures, creativity, determination and endless fixations, so how have I not come across anybody that was able to make me read 8 pages of rantings of a psychopathic Jewish (?) man before?? In that regard.. the Effects of a Howl...

Sirens blaring,
the helicopters are alive again.
Flashing lights, gun shots
a baby crying.
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch,
..a heart beat elevated.
Foot steps too close behind at 10:19pm,
panic.
No worries in these streets,
he won't get to me. I am these streets,
I think.

Foot steps closer now, but I'm almost home,
he won't follow me.
Helicopter still alive,
darkness spreads across the sky.
I am not afraid but I am brave,
he WILL NOT follow me.

For I am not a child but a woman of the night,
A woman in a place willing to put up quite the fight.
"Do not fear the night," I hear myself say to me,
I break into a run and the footsteps fade behind me.
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch.
I wasn't scared
... much.

But this is not my home,
I'm a stranger in this place.
the helicopter's alive,
the sirens own the night.
Not I.

I am of another place,
one that tends to sleep,
But if you have insomnia,
like me,
you don't have to sleep.
"The City that Doesn't Sleep."
That's the place of me.

I am of another place,
one where at night
I do not race.
Home is all these streets to me,
and fear will never win,
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch,
do not exist here.

But my streets are not bare,
the baby does still cry,
When I reach "home" at night
I stop to watch the sky.
I listen to the night.
No sirens.
No helicopters are alive.
No footsteps linger behind me.
No man I cannot see.

I stop to watch the sky,
for the sound of the wind soothes me.
But sleep does not become me,
so again I leave.

Howl for my streets
Howl for my night,
Howl to the sky, and
Howl for a fight.
Cigarette butts and the
stench of a dutch,
do not exist here for me.
"The City that Doesn't Sleep"
eventually they will find me.

The New Dirty

2009-10-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't written an inappropriate poem since the first PhilaLive, shouts to Dom the Konoisseur,
So it's time to rouse my readers at about 2 am.

Drip drip,
Sweat's stinging my skin and he proceeds to go in me

Sweat so heavy and so sweet i cant feel my feet, so sweet

Chills shivering my spine as our bodies lay intertwined,
I am numb, but I still feel you. Every ounce of you.
And every ounce of you, I want to do.
Yes, you, my sexy chocolate shaded boo.

Drip, Drip,
my eyes are closed and i'm not breathin through my nose
Anymore. I'm gasping for air as you grab at my hair,
and I try to relax as I start to climax
So I can hold on to you. Don't let go,
This is me and there's something I want to show
you. I want to show you all of me open your eyes.
No more lies just the inner mys.

My cup size and my waist line
Breathing deep you can read the signs.
I'm stuck, aching for more of your fine wine.
That juice I know will always be mine.

Don't hide whats best from me,
Let me decide for me
Let me feel you inside of me
Let me lay here playfully.

Take your time, dont be afraid of what you do
Because everything i feel is like something completely new.
You. you introduce a new side of me too,
the forbidden side with what i never knew what to do.

Take me completely, do not leave me longing
Because your body engulfing mine is true belonging
You're my sexy and I'm yours, and I'm glad we're capable of much more behind closed doors.

Drip, drip,
Sweats sliding down my back as we wrestle in the sack
do you feel that?
The me you've been dreaming of? Enjoy that.
Now relax.

When I fell in love.

2009-10-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

When I fell in love,
I was afraid of you.
I was afraid of the power within you.
I myself forbade me from you.
But there you were, and
i fell in love with you.

Now what am i supposed to do?
I've wanted you to be my king
and sweet melodies to you i will sing but
bring me something other than a fancy ring,
Bring me you, because i'm in love with you.

NO I'm not obssessed and no I don't feel blessed,
but I love you.
Do what you do and I'll do what I do, while I'm in love with you.
I lost my way a while back but i think im good now as a matter of fact
Because I'm okay with loving you, as long as i don't lose sight of you,
The real you. The you that I fell for, the you that I long for,
The you that only exists in my mind because no one is that perfect.

I love you for the idea of you, and i love that the real you is close enough,
I love that even though i sometimes like it rough you always give me the sensual stuff,
Because you really know me. The real me.
When I fell in love with you I was so, happy.
Because I no longer had to pretend, I was simply me.
No hidden agendas just who I'm meant to be.

I fell in love you, and now I don't know what to do.
Because while you love me too, you're acting a little new..
You can't handle me I come with much expectation so you approach me with hesitation,
which is fine.
But I simply ask that you treat me like a fine wine.
You're running out of time, and I, I like to rhyme.
Because when you steer me wrong, this is where I go.

When I fell in love, I was the happiest woman alive. Now I'm fighting hard to hold on to that drive. Of loving you, and loving me loving you.

21 and No One.

2009-10-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me... Monday I turned 21, and I woke up in an awkward emotional state. (I spent half the day having random outbursts of tears, some warranted bust most not and for that I apologize). I realized, when I woke up, that I'm 21 years old... and I, am no one.

My family doesn't see me,

My dog, she just ignores me.

My friends they never get me.

My men, they never keep me.

I, am no one.

My list of accomplishment's pretty short,

My public service announcement? a bland report.

My heart's run empty, since I hit abort.

My soul is dark without support

Because I, am no one.

I close my eyes, and count to three.

And when they open, I should be free.

But I am not, cause I can't see.

The girl I was, or woman to be.

I, am no one.

I am young,

I am naive.

I'm not a genius, I just perceive.

I am clever,

I am strong,

At my weakest, I right my wrong.

*I am no one, for now.

Where my soul used to be.

2009-09-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be...

I think I lost it some time long ago but I just didn't take the time to know-tice.
There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be.
Now if you look at me, you'll see right through me.
Straight through the other parts of me, they don't matter.
They're just ticking time bombs that will one by one shatter.
Cause this hole in the place where my soul used to be,
was the only thing holding together all the rest of me.

There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be,
I don' t give a shit about who I used to be.
Without my soul I can never be she,
So with this hole I'm a new version of me, but I don't wanna be!
A hole in the place,
A hole.
Where my soul used to be was the chamber of the essence of me,
But now that i'm incomplete I don't know who I am.
I just wanna find the soul that used to be in me...
I feel empty, slightly light headed, you see.
Cause I'm choking on the lack of flow of oxygen to me.
There's a hole in the place where my soul used to be.

Have you seen it?

1 Year Ago

2009-09-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

If I would've known, a year ago from today, that it would almost destroy me... I don't think I would've invested as much time as I have in what we had.. Don't get me wrong it was a great experience for me, you see you were the only person around that made me free, and now a year later I'm feelin more chained and contained than ever before and I don't appreciate this. I wish I didn't wish to erase everything that happened a year ago. Because it wasn't bad, at first. Everything was cool, you, were cool. Then things took a turn for the optimistic worse (yea, optimistic). There's a reason I can't find my place because I'm hiding behind a face that's smiling at you. And you, and you.... But what I knew before I no longer do. I've stayed far away from this admittance that I'm apparently giving into now, but I still just don't see how it was all taken away from me. Losing a close friend is like a death in the family, a death in my family, a death in part of me, the end of something that I felt fulfilled my need; completion. All I ever needed was to NOT feel incomplete, and you gave that to me, in a weird but interesting kinda way. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that If I knew 1 year ago what I know now, I would've been more like me.

Why I want to be a writer.

2009-09-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

1am conversations make for the most interesting discoveries about yourself. After a mock phone interview in which my friend who's always pushing me to be better (thank you), asked me Why I want to be a writer. I had the easiest answer ever, and he saw right through me. SO, in a second attempt to answer this question that will probably become the most important question on all of my future interviews, enjoy.

I want to be a writer because I can say whatever, whenever, and I won't be able to take it back. Too many people are afraid to let people know them, but when I become the best writer I can be, the world will have an endless invitation to the documentation of what is me. You say me at my simplest form is the real me. I say you've got it wrong. Me at my most difficult form is the real me. Difficult in the way that I approach a situation and form my articulation because if life was as simple as you make me out to be, then I'm not sure I belong here. I was put on this earth for a reason just like everyone else, and I'm convinced. Convinced that my purpose is to be a writer. I'm only following the path I chose at such a young age and I know that one day, I'll reach the end of the road. Holding a crinkly moist piece of paper and a chewed up pencil in my hand, I'll reach the end of the road and barely be able to stand. Because my journey would be at an end, and I'd hope deep down you'd get the message I send. The message telling you why I've always wanted to be a writer. I want to be a writer because it's all I've ever known. It's the only release I have when I can't quite speak my thoughts. So instead of thinking, I grab my pen and start scribbling.

It's a little messy, I know. But if it wasn't, then it wouldn't be the real me.

When there's no goodbye

2009-09-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

It has occurred to me that in the last couple of years there's been a series of entrances and exits in my life without legit goodbyes and while I'm not a fan of goodbyes, I'd rather have them than wonder if someone's still around. You know? Maybe not. But I'm just saying, a good bye text couldn't hurt.

Disclaimer: This is just an angry rant... no reflection of how I feel about anyone in particular, because quite frankly, there's too many that forget to say goodbye. But don't worry, I won't hold it against you if you at least attempt to say hi, someday.

I mean if you're done, you're done right? I won't put up a fight if you're taking flight but tell me before you go. I think I deserve to know, No I demand to know because you have always been free to go but why now? And even better, is it that you don't know how to tell me you're a cow-ard? Don't take that offensively and please don't respond defensively, it's only a truth from my perspective after months of feeling rejected but can you blame me? I'm just going off the way things seem to be especially, since I can't see the you that used to want me. It's cool no blues on my end I'm chillin with the same ol' fools where little boys drool at the ladies that were always too-cool-for-school, and do you know where they've placed me? The out of place out of sync out of the ordinary chic that left the nest because she ventured off, at best to find something better than nothing but I was frontin cause that something, was worse than nothing, because it was something that wouldn't last. I always knew it wouldn't last. I checked the weather this morning and the forecast? Cloudy with a chance of meeting another ass. Yeah, you're an ass but in a good way. you see everybody needs an ass to rant about, no doubt cause we're just looking for things to talk about, things to fuss about, and you happened to be that thing for a while. Don't take it personal that you're an object of my rant that you see is on a slant cause my head's still hanging sideways as I try to decipher your rye ways. Silly silly me. The absence of your words slap my face and I'm standing in an empty space, blubbering. If you wanted to go all you had to do was say goodbye.

Per your request.

2009-08-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

I havent been on my blog in FOREVER, because of my month long riff with Comcast in Philly... holdin me up verbally for a whole 4 weeks. sad I know, but I'm back..

And as intoxicated is my second name today, i must speak for a bit.

Per your request,
I'm back on my game..
No more days waiting silent in this game,
No more nights hoping that he'll say my name..
I'm ready for the change since nothing is the same.

Fall 09, my fourth and my last,
this chapter of my life is about to be the past.
3 years of destruction sure did go pretty fast,
But I'm not worried now, cause my future has been cast.-ed

My heart no longer yearns for what she so deserves,
And my body's over aching for what she cant preserve.
A final chance at this might finally conserve,
The feeling that i know I hold in my reserve.

Per your request,
I'm plugging in my emotions.
Because the thought of your thoughts, is a truly lethal potion.
And I'm driven ever more, my mind's set back into motion.
Per your request, I re-establish my devotion.

I promise more is to come*

Abstract forms..

2009-07-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

Poetry isn't about your ability to rhyme... or your ability to say or write something that sounds nice together.. it is simply an abstract form of expression, something you find makes you think more on an issue than you ever have before, because you didn't realize it could be that deep. Take 24 hours for example:

It's the limit placed on your day, a constant reminder of how much more time you need for the plans circling in your head but did you ever stop and say, why 24 hrs when time always runs out? Why limit a person's time to accomplish what she truly wants without racing against a clock that will ALWAYS win.... why set us up for failure everyday because 24 hours is simply a number most of us find a mockery of all the things we need to do?

That's nothing crazy.. actually it might even be trash depending on who's reading.. but i really just wanted a minute to freehand.. just because.

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans, rains tap tap tappin on the window panes and I am not my hair's humming in the back ground... 97 dread locks all long, sometimes i wish my curls were still long. Left my insecurity at the door because this year's gonna end and I have no idea what's in store for me. September 4 weeks away, DC bound or here in Philly I shall stay.. anxiety risin like chunks of venom in my throat as anticipation of my participation's got me real impatient!! life's at a stand still, coffee's dried up in the pot, counter top's stained.

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans, bedroom's still warm and opened closet doors, childhood demons already escaped and my own worst fear is made reality... facing the man in the closet... the evil man that plagued my youth.. the invisible man that's been hurtin me.. because all this time i keep askin who is he?? You know the storm will always floww.. .But if the sun don't shine forever, I gotta let it go.. you gotta let it go, ooooos on the pandora, Treo goin off but im stuck in my flow.. Sorry if i lost you this is just the way it goes.

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans, a lamp desk and a G Shock... alicia keys starts playin and i let her rock.. No one can get in the way of what I'm sayin, and quite frankly maybe no one will even understand what I'm sayin..

Painted pretty toes and ceiling fans.. this is my life and right now, stress it is sans.

Choked Up

2009-07-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

I came home determined to write something...
But I don't where to start.
I'm choked up on my thoughts, let alone my words
Because I'm biting my tongue not to use my verbal sword.

An awkward emotional reaction is what I like to call it..
When rage wells up in my eyes and tears try not to fall.
I'm aggravated, annoyed... Slightly lonely but not destroyed.

What you fail to see is the strength that is within me,
So if you have something say....Let it out, please don't shield me.

I can handle what you, may think I cant..
Because all it will take to be done with,
Is a short and sweet verbal rant*

Battle of the Voices (Part 1)

2009-06-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

Anger is my best emotion..
it fits me well, guides me even better...
It's a perfect mask when you hide behind a flask.
"drink up lil lady, before the business starts gettin shady.
You know the drill, everything's happening the same lately.
Think about it.. do you hate me?
For placing this glass in your hand n letting this toxic substance take thee?"

Who the fucc are you???
Get out of my head and leave me to drown instead!
In the sorrows that have become me, the headache that has won me..
I Quit. I don't think I ever wanted to do it..
All the drama all the karma is swirling around me and it only settles,
When I sip...
Sip this blood-colored liquid that keeps me from boiling over cause I'm livid.

Stop asking your ignorant questions, leave your guilty conscience elsewhere...
Because right now, my drink n this cloud of smoke is for all I really care.
Do you hear me? I'm done!
Bitter heartless bitch you say?
Ok.
Be that way...
Your lack of understanding is the difference here, night and day.

"I will love you anyway, even if you cannot stay,"

Stop!!

"Ohh, sweet thing.. don't you know you're my everything?"

No, you to me, are simply nothing.

Fresh Start

2009-06-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

i started my new internship today with Philly Weekly and I must say, I am smitten with excitement for what the rest of the summer has in store for me... But with this new internship come a new beginning.. a fresh start.

I didn't like the feeling I was getting from my last internship.. I felt falsified, almost an inanimate object, an unmovable force with no real discourse for the next three months, and it scared the hell outta me. I was sitting at my desk and happened to be email-checking (one of the many addictions that helped me get through my NY Mondays..) I was trying to stick it out cause I loved the feeling of being in my city for a taste of its flavor, but it wasn't real.. The taste I expected to be sweet, was only sweet to my eyes, but bitter on my tongue. It wasn't Frank Sinatra who had sung, New York State of Mind was only sung by an impostor, and that sweet bus ride only became a trip down memory lane.. A trip I wasn't ready to repeat every week for the next 12 weeks.. so I had to cut it loose before the cancer chewed me up... I was suffocating in my own beloved city. And somehow feeling at home in this strange "second city..." Philly.

Giving credit where it's due, my life here is always something new. It's my escape when the hardships or depression starts to rape my emotional state of being when I'm home.. Could it be, that my default Philly residency as made me truly Philly? It's a fresh start, and today showed me there's more hear than I ever cared, or dared, to look for... What else is in store? Where am I going from here? It's a fresh start, and the most darkest thing on my mind is lighter than anything I felt before my move.... Maybe that was what I needed.. a new setting, a new social surrounding, a new genre of entertainment, and a new aspect of my own endeavors... Who knew I'd even think about video... who knew I would be published Day 1 at Philly Weekly!

I'm excited, yet I'm scared. Because all that I use to fear, is no longer really here.. I'm almost too comfortable to be comfortable with the way this new start is looking.. So I'm relaxing and not stressing, and this summer I'll be "booking." (novel writing, oh the possibilities for the end of the summer....)

Until then, enjoy my video story on Philadelphia's Bloomsday Celebration.

Consider This.

2009-06-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

Every step you take to defeat me, works.
But when all is said and done, the cleansing process has long begun.
The pain is a blur, almost a pleasure to me now....
The happiness that I once felt is long gone for me now.
The effort that I put forth,
Seems no longer of any worth.
The you that meant the world to me,
I've found a way to let it be.
So when it feels easiest to erase me from existence...
Know that your persistence meets certain consequence,
And that is, an absolute absence.

My Bare Naked Soul

2009-06-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

After a long discussion this week with a fellow respectable writer-type friend... I've reached a frightening revelation.... outsiders have sensed my hesitation... and criticized me for it.... so I'm simply vowing this: no more sugar-coated goodness on my end....no more happy endings that never really are the end... no more leaving untouched forbidden angles.... I'm baring me in entirety... That being said... this is my bare naked soul.
(think of this as an updated version of the Essence of Tara*)

Maybe I thought I was fooling some of you, but
Fooling myself now that would never be true.
I'm a tower of strength when I want to be....
But maybe not so much when I actually need to be.
I'm an emotion-less being who enjoys an occasional opportunity to cry...
So if I'm in a type of mood don't bother to ask me why.
I find myself angry only at people that matter to me....
So it's actually a good thing if I find something maddening.
It's when I brush you off with a laugh or a loose shake of my head...
Because you're just wasting precious time that I could be cherishing instead.
I'm considerate...probably more so than anyone you know,
Excuse me, but fucc you if sometimes I have to let that go.
When the drama reaches unnecessary levels my mind goes slightly disheveled,
So i laugh.
Laugh because I have inappropriate reactions to unfortunate events..
Not cry because I'd rather hold it in until I can really vent.
Give me a reason to hold a grudge,
And from my stubborn state I promise not to budge.

: I'm simply a woman trying to leave a tiny footprint on your life... I'm not here to cause you grief but more of a sort of relief.. maybe even a release, when you find yourself stuck cause you shouldn't give a fucc but everything's gone amuck, and all that's left is my somewhat relevant words that hopefully you will have heard. I'm the voice inside your head that you've sometimes even wished dead, because even though you know that i'm right, it's me that you still continue to fight. I'm reason and explanation to your nonsensical fuzzy world. I'm a realistic lady, the product of a broken naive baby.

This me so far I must admit is quite the breeze...
It's tomorrow and 10 years from now that cause my chest to freeze.
Or burn rather, but I'll let you know how that goes,
Because right now, no one knows.

When I Said what I Said

2009-05-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people don't really listen to me when I speak, and then they end up being shocked when things happen exactly the way I said they would only they don't remember me saying it! Anywho, to all those confused about what I mean when I say what I say:

When I said what I said, I think it may have pierced an artery,
What I said was simply deafening to the oratory,
When I said what I said, I meant every last word.
I wasn't dancing around the issue, my points were meant to be heard.
Were you listening, when I said what I said?
Or were you too busy, imagining me naked instead?
Naked in body but also in my soul,
You wish you could see what my future will hold..
When I said what I said, I didn't mean to sound cold,
I just wanted you to notice the path that is to unfold.
Truth be told, what I said was rather bold.
And though my arms I may fold, it's my eyes that haven't rolled.... Back
To darkness then around again to reality,
Are you nervous darling? or will you take another stab at me?

When I said what I said, I wasn't looking for a response.
What I said was necessary, intellectually driven, the renaissance.
When I said what I said, I was talking to myself.
Admitting to me how I really felt... a feeling recently I haven't dealt, with.
But then it was over quick.

the words escaped so fast,
I realized their meaning wouldn't last.
When I said what I said,
I was me in all honesty.
did you believe me?

And just like that

2009-05-15T10:55:00.001-07:00

The nonchalant response had me second guessing my emotions
but apparently he was exposed to a truly lethal potion.
Today is here... not a week near.
And good bye is at the tip of my tongue but its a dreaded expression my voice just hasn't sung..
Just like that I gave a casual hug,
Just like that my stomach gave an awkward tug...
Just like that I wanted to be a little smug,
So he wouldn't notice my sad little shrug..
Of my incapability of actually convincing he.

Just like that I turned away,
Set out for a quiet alone kinda day.
Just like that I had nothing left to say..
And Just like that I lost my way.
Just like that we parted ways,
Just like that I exited an old phase.
Something like that will lead to some rough days...
But after the tough days will come calmer days..
And I'll eventually be in a better state
When I finally realize that there's nothing left to wait.. for.

Just like that I've found myself missing my most exciting adventure....And just like that I must heal my heart's ragged puncture.

Just like that, i muster up the courage and heave a deep sigh,

Good, bye.

The Random Good Days

2009-04-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

I always felt like I wasn't capable expressing myself creatively when I'm in a good mood, but tonight I wanna challenge myself. Honestly, I've said it out loud before and realized how ridiculous it sounds, a poet limiting her ability based on a mood? That's not really a good poet. So lemme give this a shot and regain my own confidence.

Baby Girl - Jay-R feat. Munchie

I don't know what I do to me,
because I never really thought about me..
But today I decided to take a different approach and appreciate myself but still managed not to boast.
It's a beautiful thing to open your eyes with a smile,
Something you thought would be gone for a while....
But I can't complain.. I'm content, or a decent level of the next best thing,
I'm not even sure what it means to be here in this current position...
I used to feel good things but anticipate the worst things,
because good moments lasting too long, usually meant that the best things would soon go completely wrong..
But I'm over that anticipation, because it's not about the soon but the now...
it's not about the when, but it's about the how.
How you handle the things in life thrown at you, and try with what you have to make do..
Mood rings turning blue,
not that, "I'm sad and melancholy" blue,
But that, "I'm lovable and stress-free" blue. (the card describes this, no lie.)
And you accept what you have because there's no point not to.
You let go of selfish tendencies to become a self-less entity,
You embody something beautiful because you yourself think you are beautiful.

You, is I, and I... love my Eyes*
They see through anything, but know when not to look too deep in...
My eyes* make me me, the outer workings of what I am to be..

Just wake up every morning, and give yourself a smile...
And when you leave your house, soak in the air a little while.

There is always an interesting story to you yourself or the person noticing you...
Because even when you think no one's there, someone's looking out for you...
Someone actually appreciates you, and once You notice this is true,
You will feel comfortable appreciating your eyes*,
And not feel selfish about loosening your ties..
You will be at liberty with yourself and your own worst enemy,
And your own worst enemy, is simply, your most intense insecurity.

So shake that off, take your mask off, let your hair down, and wear your own version of a crown.

Forever Young

2009-04-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

This was the next track I fell in love with, the full version of the intro, Forever Young.

I don't have anything to say.. I'm gonna let Usher tell it.

Forever Young (Full Intro) - Usher

Something Special

2009-04-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Usher's Here I Stand.... and I got all emotional listening to couple of tracks, which turned into almost all of the songs on the album!! But what hit me the hardest, was "Something Special."

I used to think we had something special,
Because we had something never seen as superficial.
You were real with me, you were someone I thought you were destined to be.
But now you've changed so much now that you, I no longer see..

My lovely put it best, our friendship is one non existant, because
you're neglect and ignorance led to this unfortunate cause,
Where you and me, simply ceases to exist.
Months have passed since we promised to cease and desist,
And somehow we managed to find our way back to what it was that we missed.
But now it's almost like you don't care,
Like the you that was concerned is not really there..
I can't find you,
I can't even really talk to you...
Because You, don't even know Me. anymore.
Maybe I changed, but I'm pretty sure it was you my friend...
And down the road you decided our journey was at its end,
without really including me in the fact that you were concluding we.

Shit, I'm a little hurt that you're not here for me.
Not that I want you to love me and be with me but at least be there for me.
After all that you kinda put me through, it's honestly the least you could do.

I thought you were something so special you know,
a friendship built up by the constant wreckoning of letting go...
But it seems you let yourself fall weak to the conflict,
and now our friendship doesnt exist at least not with any real interest.
I'm sorry that it's come to this, that you've lost your sight of what this really was, and now I'm a little bit stuck comin down from this hopeless battle without a cause.

Because you gave up, and I'm torn up. So I'm fed up being the grown up, and I've decided to tip over our half empty cup.

Completely drained, our cup runeth empty, and if you wake up tomorrow feeling empty, realize its your lack of concern for your messed up exempt; me.

Nerd Girl

2009-04-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

Nerd Girl starring Janelle Monae - Chester French

"I don't know if you would like this movie for real, not to say you're a nerd or anything...." Yeah, that's what he said Lol about my take on 'stupid funny' movies... Tisk* tisk..

So what If I'm a nerd girl?
I've recently discovered that's the "in" girl..
"In" because even I can make a plain white tee fly..
"In" because I've accepted the world's unanswered whys...
WE don't know everything, but we will say anything...
That sounds believable with the intent that it's conceivable.
I'm a nerd girl,
And I'm not sure I care if dudes are into my looks,
because my mind is a product of years of good books,
And the fact of the matter is, It's my intellect that hooks...
A man into my being and existence, so he inquires with great persistence...
Into a beautiful mind that some would dub divine,
Because I got something peculiar going for me,
that he's wondering, "who could she really be? to me"
A question he toggles with over and over,
I'm reading another chapter, almost at the back cover.

Keep up my darling good lookin,
Nerd girls are pretty fast, always movin..
We may be known for our impatience,
But nerd girls don't have time for patience!!
So either you're on our page or not,
Remember what I said, or have you already forgot-ten,
Ok, I'll give you one last shot, you've been pretty decent.

I'm a nerd girl, In my own world, my head is in the clouds as my conscience starts to swirl, around theories and dreams I imagined as a girl... But eventually I'll grow up and get over any hiccup.

It's Crippling.

2009-04-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

What is it about females and their emotions anyway?? I can't even BEGIN to explain my dreams last night, and saying them out loud might cause a little hurt to some so instead, I'm gonna get a little lyrical for a minute.

Women...
The problem is we do require a lot of attention..
Not because we're SPOILED but that was God's intention,
to give us the ruling hand to put any man in detention,
When he forgets.

When he forgets your significance because he's caught up in his own sh*t.
When he forgets how to show affection because his heart is closed a little bit.
When he forgets to be the man that wants a woman to want to get, him.
He's forgotten a lot of things, he's forgotten the most significant things, that make a woman more than just a *thing.

Neyo said it best, it's all a part of a nice long list,
The way she smiles gently underneath every kiss...
The way she scrunches up her nose when he ends their perfect bliss,
The way she hides her tears when he tells her she'll be missed...
When did man forgot the delicacy in all of this?

Let's not forget the woman's angry side,
There's no real reason to try and hide, it.
to This particular woman's anger you may be blind,
Cause she appears more sad on the outside, while the anger's in her mind.
Cause he fucced up once again, it's off to detention once again, and she's
left wondering,
"When the fucc will you just give in?"

A question unanswered she's shrugs it off again,
Because he's begging to get out so she decides to give in...
And they're back at again, falling deeper and deeper in..
*A Lust gone awry with a 1000 questions asking why?

Here I Am

2009-03-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

Here I Am - amber ojeda

This is something a little bit* different. I discovered Amber Ojeda in a random Imeem search, and I like what I hear.

Here I am,
I am doing the best that I can....
I'm humbled by the words of a dear fan,
and accepting that things don't always go to plan.

Say you wanna be a part of me.. A part of something too real to be...
Flaws and all, I'm actually a version of someone hands down better than 'she.'
'She' that belongs to he unknowingly, will fail to succeed..
No this is not a low blow and no this is not me being cocky,
But you see,
I am the me that all fail to see as exceptional beauty.
In my words, behind the voice that executes it, not the face that occasionally I'll hesitate to look at, just a little bit.
See I'm confident, but not cocky, it subsides when situations get rocky..
Will he want me? Or will he realize he should want me?
I will provide something better than any version of the "un-me" which is every woman who is not me, because "I" is unique.
"I" is unique in every 'she' that you meet, but I'm the best being made for he.
I am the best version of what it best for anyone to want to be... better.
I know he's tellin himself, don't forget her, never regret her, She made me bet-her.
Actually, I didn't make him bet me at all, he bet-her, and lost me.
But all's fair in love and what's actually.
One day our decisions will all be free.
And the words that I speak, will be heard by every "he."
Here I am, a little different,
in a way I find self sufficient.
Flaws and all, I'm efficient.
Here I am, a forbidden addiction.

*Pondering.....

2009-03-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

If I looked, acted, smiled, walked, danced, dressed, and talked differently,

would you be able to find the real me?

Kicking a Habit.

2009-03-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

So I've reached the 2-week mark they say you need to truly kick a habit, and for some reason that was beyond easy, which means it wasn't really a habit. The true habit, that I'm one week done with, is eating me up inside because its that habit you never thought you'd be without, that habit you don't understand why you had to let go, and that habit that just makes you who you are, flaws and all. So I'm sitting in a dark silent room, no Imeem to guide my thoughts for this poem, and I'm tryin to kick this habit.

It's funny how people say what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger..
But what I think that means is you might hide your pain a little longer.
I'm not afraid anymore to acknowledge that my addiction to you,
is making my heart black and blue.

You were something almost a necessity for me, something I always knew would be good for me,
But now I'm at a point where the powers that be say I'm bad for he.
Really?
I'm not sure that its the real me, or us, that you see.
But big hearts and tough souls have withstood much more.
I doubt everyday that you've completely closed the door.
Am I wrong, for dreaming occasionally of a time when we'd soar?
Above the clouds and have everything we ever hoped for?
Or am I wrong, for dreaming that there is a we that's hoping for anything?
Because my minds grappling with the fact that the song "we" used to sing,
Is ending.
You're not really attached to the lyrics like I am,
you don't really hear the melody like I can,
But can I blame you? NO I can't.
It was a malignancy masked by a brilliancy that I wanted to be meant to be.
But do you see me? Probably not,
My face and smile are warm enough to be easily forgot.. in
the sense that they're not full of concern and worry so you easily let it go,
thinking my melancholy state of being was real, not just for show.
It's okay though, no one ever said kickin deep rooted habits was easy.
I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye and walk peacefully.
Never leave in rage because your mind takes over your hearts gauge.
And when you realize what you've done, you've reached the unforgivable age... Of too late.

A Sure Thing*

2009-03-14T11:10:00.001-07:00

People have come to misinterpret the real meaning of a sure thing.. So i'm gonna clarify.

The dictionary defines a "sure thing" as something that is or is supposed to be a certainty.
Somehow, someway people tend to try to make certain all of life's uncertainty.
Lookin in from the outside shows the true absurdity,
Of the lost individuals that make decisions arbitrarily.
Thinking it out sometimes leads to overthinking,
then you make decisions too quickly, no blinking.
Are you just trying to make certain something rather unpredictable?
Just because you're unsure if you're ready for perfectly predictable?
Seems like fear's at the core for you,
So you constantly do things you're not sure you should do.
But you do it anyway. thinking that'll yield a better outcome another day..
But you know what? You're wrong... Because you will realize before long.
You really did mess up, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news
But I wish you good luck in your certain future uncouth blues.

Let Me Dance

2009-03-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Let Her Dance (Feat. Maya Azucena & Illestr8) - Stephen Marley

I haven't been to a good reggae party in a long time... and I came across this track (of course in my Imeem frenzy...) and I kinda got up and started dancing, by myself, in my living room. Now I'm seated.. enjoy.

My hips are swaying in a way that got his eye stayin,
On me.. He's tantalized by my rhythm and my groove,
I'm waitin for him to cross the floor, make the first move.
Don't stop the track, I really wanna dance...
Better yet put it on loop, let's give him another chance,
To find his way to me so we can get lost in the sea,
My body rockin, crashin like the waves do you see?
I'm dancing for he.. He that is watching me..
This is no ordinary rated G choreography...
This is just me, moving for he....
Grab my waist boy this is where I want you to be..

Let's just dance dance, dance dance, dance dance..
It may be our last chance to ignite this long awaited romance.
So just dance with me.... No questions, let it be.

Post Surgery

2009-03-12T16:18:00.001-07:00

I just got my wisdom teeth pulled, and my face is in constant discomfort so I thought I'd bitch a little about involuntary pain... you know, because no one ever chooses to feel pain, it's just something that at times cannot be adverted.

I feel as though my face might explode,
and the stitches holding me together will start to unfold.
I'm worried that these drugs will give me the worst kind of satisfaction
That from life I will feel I need a constant chemical distraction..
But no worries, I'll let the "viks" numb me...
It's cool I don't think they will succumb me..
I pretty much got this situation under control,
until the pain sends a piercing jolt through the hole,
that's left me unsure of what i can consume...
My normal eating habits, I long to resume.
Ahhh fucc surgery!!!!!
IT's absurdity...
Now where's my burger! (lol.. sorry, I think i'm still loopy)

Bittersweet

2009-03-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

Outro (CS) - Drake

I chose this as the title for my first novel (gimme another year)... and I heard this melody the other day and felt some type of way... It kinda tickled me as the epitome of bittersweet.... Drake's Outro on his So Far Gone Mixtape makes me just wanna flow real quick.. about any and everything. so lemme live okay?

It was a bittersweet ending,
All the emotional signals I've been sending....
Time to regroup, refocus, restart the show...
It's just what needs to be done, it's something you sorta just know.
But it was sweet while it lasted, bitter that it ended, but sweetly...
I am not bitter about much more than before, I'm only accepting and reminiscent on the sweet memories that replay in my mind all the time.
I don't forget the important things because remembrance is what this brings.
A final chord just for us, the ivories are singing to us.
It was bittersweet...can you feel the keys?
Being tickled so softly as my mind starts to freeze,
Still pictures of the good times and all the well thought out rhymes
That developed as poetry from me, to he.
The ballad's being made and its realness will never fade.
My soul is satisfied now that all options have been weighed.
I don't believe in goodbyes and I'm really good at fighting cries.
So instead I'll smile and let the piano play for a while.
Because pain and anger I no longer claim as my style.

It's too beautiful to waste any energy on regret. So my mind is set.
Bittersweet as it is, I choose to never forget.

Friend of Mine

2009-03-04T20:18:00.000-08:00

Friend Of Mine (Explicit Version) - Lily Allen

You're no friend of mine,
I realize now I've been wasting a sh*tload of time.
I spent days and nights tryin to get you outta my mind..
But something always told me not to cut that line.

But where's the self-respect?
Better yet, lets address the disrespect,
You bestowed upon me when you let me interject.
You let me intercept,
A situation all too outta my league,
And led me down a road I had every reason to believe.

You're no friend of mine now,
I'm at a place where I'm letting you know now...
One last straw and it's done do you see how?
You chose the road often traveled but not well graveled,
and within minutes the sign directing you back to your travel,
will be gone. Listen to the song,
It personifies the wrong,
gives a feeling of guilt but not for long.
Because after its close I'm feeling a little more strong.

You're no friend of mine, now
You're just a waste of time, now
I won't let you take away mine.
I'm taking your lack of care as a sign.

Heed the stop signs and the traffic lights,
The weathers pretty bad so dont forget your brights.
Most importantly leave your rage alone and leave your strength at home.
Because the rage is your own since you couldn't use your phone.
Oh well, no need to worry now I'm fine.
I just see now you were never really a true friend of mine.

Tonight

2009-03-02T20:09:00.001-08:00

Tonight - Lykke Li

I'm not having mood swings lol, I just love these songs I'm discovering tonight!
I have all these drafts saved for the moment I come up with something I feel suits the songs I heard, so this is my suitor for Tonight, tonight.

I turned around and you weren't there,
I've finally realized my one night time fear.
I thought you'd be right behind me,
But when I turned around, you, I couldn't see.
Don't let me go, let me go tonight.
Hold up a sec I don't wanna fight.
Don't let me go, let me go tonight.
Just tell me you won't let me outta sight.

I kept on walkin so you couldn't see the pain,
That my eyes started to spill with the intent to stain,
The street that I paced as my heart continued to race.
Don't you let me go, let me go,
Damn you know, you already know.
I'm not willin for my heart to show.
Just don't let me go,
This is something to which you can't say no.

I turned around one last time for you,
But this time I saw something completely new.
Nothing. There was no one and nothing behind me.
I was blinded by the clear vision my sight provided me.
You let me go, you let me go tonight.
I'm startin to think that all my bad thoughts were right.
Cause you let me go tonight.
My mind body and soul have finally given into the fight.
You win, I will go without sin.

You shouldn't have let me go, let me go that night.
Cause I figured it out. Out of mind, out of sight.
That's the last battle I'm lettin myself fight.

Little Bit

2009-03-02T19:38:00.001-08:00

little bit remix - drake & lykke li

So I actually spoke to a long lost friend (not that long lost but you know what I mean...) Beans!!! and we got to discussing music, and low and behold, he told me about this track by Drake and Lykke Li called "Little Bit" that I kinda love a lot.. a little bit a lot lol... Anyway... It inspired me to write, screw my own emotions, this is just a great writer's rant ok people? anyway, let's get to it.

I think you're the closest that I've come to being the only one...
The only one I want and the only bond I don't want to be undone...
I think I love you a lot a little bit because we're just so much fun...
together.
A little bit intoxicated, a little bit inebriated, we tend to do things we know
each other will have appreciated.
We're a little bit in sync with each other, a little bit better with one another..
But I'm a little bit fed up with being a lot a bit messed up about it.
Ooo ooo ooo oo... Hands down, I'm a little bit too proud to love.
But when my guards down, I find myself placing you up above.
All the sane things in my life and the things that generally don't cause me strife.
And I think it's because you got my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind... ohhh
Waiting for a time, a time, a time, a time... that just will never arrive.

So I'll just be a little bit hating you because I was a little bit achin for you...
and while I was a little bit in love with you, I need to be a lot a bit done with you.

Who am I Kidding?

2009-02-26T22:12:00.000-08:00

It has been an interestingly weird week... One I wouldn't want to repeat, and I honestly can't say why. But today I realized something: I'm only fooling myself.

I am a careful clumsy person, a sloppy neat-freak, a slacker-nerd, casual but chiq. I am always calmly anxious, hopefully pessimistic, romantically uninterested, a relationship-seeking loner, a halfway frequent stoner, Of my soul a sometimes owner.

I am a poet who hates to rhyme, but i do so often because it takes up time,
In a life that is vacant and FULL of spare time.
I am a woman, who wants to be done. But when you give in just like that, it takes away the fun.
But I am a woman, that chapter's only just begun. I hate the lonely nights and I long for the sun.
I'm a ball of a confusion, a walking conundrum.
I don't even know what I've already done.
I've taken my life and this web I have spun,
and made it something worse incapable of coming undone.
I'm a stringy mess, trying to straighten out my life and the rest...
I'm not quite the worst, but I'm no longer at my best.

This is me defeated, because somewhere along the line, my happiness was only cheated.

dead and gone

2009-02-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

Dead and Gone (feat. Justin Timberlake) - T.I.

I've been stuck on this path too long and Im desperate to find my way back home..
To a me I now know not, a me that's dead and gone, dead and gone.
I never feared reality, now I'm trying to run back into fantasy...
But maybe this is best that I put it all to the test.
The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
I never thought I wish to be mine.
But I'm trying to find my way back home, to the love and life I knew from so long, ago.

The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone....
I'm searching all around looking high and low..
But it's gone.. I'm gone.. I'm dead and gone.

Goodbye.. The Letter

2009-02-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

Nowadays I'm diggin deep to find the anxiety, anger, frustration or sadness that gives me my best words.. lol no I'm not crazy just determined to keep the pen moving.. So I turned to my girl Heather Headley (she's beautiful). Alas, a goodbye letter.

(Disclaimer: this is not in anyway intended for anyone to feel some type of way.. if you do, that's between you and you*)

Dear Love,

This is my official goodbye. Do not weep for me or cry...... this letter will attempt to tell you why. I cannot be the woman you want me to be, I cannot live a life without a true vision to see... You have kept me blind in a constant darkened night, I've tried to leave before but you always put up a fight. But I'm done now, and I'm going now, I'm letting you go tonight, somehow... But take your bow.. You kept me around long enough to weaken my soul and make me half whole, but my heart is something I want back that you stole... Give me my life back, let me seal up every last crack.. of the fragile pieces of myself that to me you were of no help.. but rather the damage.
Goodbye love let me find my way out of this, you think i'm important but I honestly dont think I'm something you will miss. Take your time when you read this, realize why I need this... Goodbye to the anguish and all the forbidden language. I won't let you break me anymore, you're nothing I can live for, but a constant pain in my chest because you've stolen the best... of me.
Don't you see? You have taken me! this is not the person I am meant to be! So let me leave...
This is my goodbye, please try and understand why... I never once believed a single lie, that you ever told me for a cry.. I shed more than enough tears, now I' m letting go of my fears, so the Love that I knew and the Love that loves few.... is something i will no longer do...

This is my official goodbye.. Try really hard not to let out a cry... Do you see why? I love you enough to finally fly.

Yours truly,
T*Mel

You Are... (so sweet!)

2009-02-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a week!!! Wow.. progress, or digression lol. Anyway... I love Imeem surfing because you accidentally find the good songs when you let it play "next related song" on its own.... and then absentmindedly hear the perfect song and you love it, absolutely love it. That being said, this is who "You Are."

The first time I met you, i wasn't concerned with who you are...
You were simply a mysterious individual, trying to get close but I kept you far.
You were decent, in actions and in words,
The stories I told I'd say were those for the birds....
Wasn't sure what you were up to or what was really with you..
But now I know who you are, and your company is something comforting to do.
Or to have. You are as honest as any can be these days,
Meaning you don't hide you truthful harsh ways...
You are reality, a fixation more good than any mality.
You are everything you do and everything that's true...
Nothing that you say will portray you as someone new.

You are, my decent soul, my inner thoughts that make my mind whole...
You are the filling in my heart, the end to my start....
You are me, just a puzzle pulled apart.

"Obama Hope" poster artist arrested

2009-02-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

So i'm pretty infuriated that the infamous street artist who designed the most popular Obama image during the election was arrested for property damage and graffiti, because he used an AP image to create his Obama image... Really though? Do not all artists paint their pieces with the influence of another's work sometimes? I'm upset.

The Curious Case of TMel*

2009-02-08T19:29:00.001-08:00

We all have curious cases of something going on in our life, I recently discovered that mine is simply coming into adulthood. I've been a flirty, spunky, poetic, intellectual, sarcastic, gem* Lol, and i feel like i'm only now realizing that I'm still coming into my adulthood, and with each new year, (or so it seems,) Something insane happens to me that becomes my lesson in life for that year... So I think my blog is in need of another disclaimer..

I am a poet who strives off of my emotions, and most of the time my poetry is just an exaggerated artform... my feelings are only a minor detail in my poetry, that give birth to these insane accounts of poetic lyricism.

Anyway, let's get down to the Curious Case of TMel*

it was 20 years ago that she appeared on this earth,
no one could imagine the uniqueness in her birth...
She grew up too fast drinking coffee at five,
mom always drank it to keep her energy alive....
Her family was dysfunctional as most late 20th century families wind up,
So she was pretty much an adult at 5 yrs old with that creamy first cup.
But when she did reach the ages where kids become teens and teens become adults,
She'd grown a pretty thick skin and then pretty indifferent to all the insults,
She gives 110% to the people in her life and even those that cause her strife,
Because she's a more than giving person, she learned that skill from her father's wife.
TMel finally reached her prime when she moved out of NY at 17,
She handled the transition well, for she'd never actually been 17,
More like 21 since she was still a preteen,
She never reached the ages that one goes through in between.
She experienced life from the perspective of a young woman,
but her decision making and risk taking were sometimes inhuman.
Now she's in the year where 21 would finally fit her reality,
And she's made enough mistakes that she won't again see any fantasy.
She's seasoned in her pain and even wiser in her main...
She is becoming a woman who no other will ever be the same.
TMel, a recent alias for a girl who found her way,
To a place where she'd be happy, eventually some day.
The drama served her well now she's broken out of her shell,
She's now a unique version of a girl that knows most things well.
No, she is not the wisest, but her intelligence is only growing,
She does not boast about anything without really knowing.
Today people benefit from the life she chose to live,
Because she chose a life where love for her was simply just to give.

She does not give her heart to everyone, she doesn't give her better parts to anyone..
She is simply T...
Giving her perspective and directive
on those things we struggle to see
Because we're not sure what's meant to be.
Her philosophy is as such:
Life doesn't really take much.
Just face it head on and everything you must touch.
Things will only work itself out if you face it without doubt.
So believe in what you seek and you will find yourself at the beginning of a beautiful week*

T*Mel

If I....

2009-02-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

I was listenin to Destiny's Child this morning and found myself jonesin to an old fav... "If" from Destiny Fulfilled.. somehow I'm feeling like I'm temporarily fulfilled, but then I find myself back where I started, feeling half empty. Anyway, here's my "If I."

If I told you I didn't mean it
Would you still let me hate you?
Would you let me walk around and never again see you?
Would you even realize that everyday I'd miss you?

If I wanted to run away would you even ask me to stay?
Or would you let me go and hope that I'd come back some day?
Would you miss my smile and the silly but cute games that I play?
Would you wake up and listen closely to hear for anything I'd say?

If I never opened my eyes,
Would we have ever known each other?
Would you be just a cool nerd or just another brother?
Would you notice me in the streets as simply just another?

If I disappeared today and took all the memories with me...
Would you still somehow find away to remember?
Would there be a spot in your heart for me to always be a member?
Would you think of your life as missing an '08 December?

If you don't know, I want you to know that I'd miss your smile, your hugs and your eyes and your style, and while I may eventually get over this trial, it's hurting like hell and I know it will for a while.

Miss Independent

2009-02-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

She Got Her Own (Miss Independent Remix) feat. Jamie Foxx and Fabolous - Ne-Yo

I don't expect nothin from anyone...
anything I need to do I myself get it done.
I handle my own and deal with sh*t alone.
It's just nice sometimes to pick up a phone.

But I got it, it's cool I got it. I got it.
The things that I want I maybe don't really need.
But sometimes my appetite I desire to feed.
I'm independent I'm not someone easy to read.
But ever so often there's one I'll let see.

That's why I'm supposed to keep my cool...
Never let anyone, not a soul make me the fool.
You got it backwards, I got my own boo.
I'm not one that can afford to always need you.

Do you realize this? That I got it? I got my own sh*t. Don't doubt it.

It's a cleansing process.

2009-01-31T14:36:00.000-08:00

This week was a little bit ridiculous,

I spent too much time this week getting over drunken nights, something I'm sooo not excited about. Then it hit me.... everything wreckless that I've gone through this weekend has backfired.. whether it be I fall into a deep sleep or I die over and over again for 12 hrs straight.. (gross i know sorry). But it's all a cleansing process.. my body is regurgitating all the bad sh*t i've put it through for a reason.. my body is rejecting the emotional havoc I'm creating for myself.. I thank my self for being smarter than myself. At least I know now it's only a matter of time before there's nothing left to bring back up...

By the way.. I freaked out a little bit at the looseness of my pants today, that can't be healthy, so I need to find a way to reintroduce myself to my second best friend.. FOOODDDDD Lol.

back on my politics

2009-01-30T16:30:00.000-08:00

so i've noticed the extreme emotional turn Forbidden Language has taken... and I'm not at all pleased. That being said, let me just take this time to shout out president obama for signing back into legislation the law that makes us all able to demand equal pay, should we discover a coworker is being paid more because he is a man, or she is white and I'm black.. what have you.. you know? anyway, that's it for now... read up about it, search www.cnn.com

You, you, you, youuu..

2009-01-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

Janelle Monae has me feeling it again.. Music is a unique therapy but somehow I come across the songs that say everything I never get to say, but constantly want to say.

You - Janelle Monáe

What can we do?
I always need to talk to you,
but now I'm stuck with no one to turn to...
You, you, you.... Feel right for me.
I can't let it go because my eyes struggle to see.
They struggle to see the me without you,
I struggle to feel anything that's not you.
Look in my eyes, they're a dark shade of blue,
Because the pain and sorrow they have witnessed is something completely new.

Whatever feels right for me, I know is right for you...
and maybe you should just trust me on this, I got you.
I can't be here alone but I've never felt this numb...
It's all about you you you you you, you....
Make me feel normal again by just doing what you do.

You, youuu.... make me feel, like me.
But now I spend my time fightin the state of mind in which i want to be.
I just wanna cry all the time, I wanna rewind time to when I couldn't see.
I wanna not have to look at you and wonder if you'll ever have me.
I want you, and I want you to want me. So i'm just stuck on you now, probably more than I should be.

Restless

2009-01-29T08:18:00.000-08:00

So not only do I go to sleep and dream about him, I wake up and then I see him... in my mind... then in my soul, I kinda feel him... How many more days must I live restless?

And then it came Crashing Down

2009-01-28T05:54:00.000-08:00

it was one of the happiest days i'd seen in a while, a little snow in the morning bought me a permanent smile. I felt finally content and excited to live, but a drive to campus did my heart an awkward pain give. it was a beautiful day, but then the light went away. you, once again took a stab at my heart, I decided I wouldn't let this cycle restart. now I'm curled in a ball. fighting tears cause I know you won't call. you're letting me go and I can't believe it, so in a comfort zone I try to continue to sit. I can't function completely, because honestly you complete me... so I must confess I'm sittin here dressed, in a sweater that sooths the heaving of my chest.

The Essence of Tara*

2009-01-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

So after a jones session with Shamara and Nolo, I've realized there are things about myself that I need to learn to acknowledge.. so here is my attempt to do so. :)

It starts with a heart that's bigger than most...
And a mind that is light and doesn't easily boast.
Then we add a milk chocolate color for the complexion of my skin,
with a pair of dark round eyes that any man's stare I can win.
I am beautifully intellectual and intimately sexual,
a force to be reckoned with I make every experience sensual.
The ability to smile even when I should just cry,
I have the power and insight of the all seeing eye.
I'm cunning with my words and slick with my looks,
any man can appreciate a woman with beauty and the books.
I'm not too confident, I'm not too timid,
but I will say this I leave some men rigid.
After my touch you might get a rush,
Making me the chic that you can't just brush... off.
So know what you're missing when you let me walk away...
And realize the loss that I might not return "someday."

Back from DC. "For the Love of Junkies"

2009-01-21T11:34:00.000-08:00

My DC experience was quite interesting, considering the circumstances under which I went and all that... First and foremost lemme just say it takes a true fanatic/political junkie to stand outside in the cold for hours on end KNOWING that you won't get a real life glimpse of Obama, but a jumbotron will do just fine.. Which brings me to today's post. I have recently learned that I'm an addictive drug, but the good kind.. So that led me to think of the true thoughts of a junkie. Now being that I am not a reall junkie, I figure there's a way to link the political junkie lifestyle to that of an illegal substance junkie.. Maybe.

I've come to appreciate the dedication and fixation created by junkies,
There's something beautiful in it you see,
people know its the wrong state of mind in which to be,
but without that fixation there's nothing to set you free.
We itch for the chance to get one quick fix,
And if we can't we feel completely out of the mix.
It's not that irksome feeling in our chest that we clutch throughout our quest,
but it is the chance to experience the substance that we may call our nest.
It's our comfort, our whole reason for being, and any opportunity presented is worth seeing, through.
For instance, some junkies find it necessary to freeze to death for their addiction,
other junkies might drive miles and miles away to truly fulfill their satisfaction.
Some junkies even think its okay to run through the streets looking a hot mess just to find a fix before they can even get dressed!!

For the love of junkies, it is easy to understand, why love itself and addiction can sometimes go hand in hand.
It's that feeling like you can't get enough even when things may be a little rough,
So you fix and you fix on your drug until you can't anymore,
Just so you know that on cloud nine you may always soar.

For the love of junkies, my thoughts are with you. It's just something we all do.

Dc Bound

2009-01-18T13:56:00.001-08:00

I'm heading home to pack for my Dc trip.... excited and anxious to freeze my ass off trying to get even a glimpse of Obama and the fam.. pics soon to come, words of inspiration or any randomness also to follow.

i shall return.
T Mel

What is Love?

2009-01-16T11:19:00.000-08:00

What Is Love? - Vivian Green
I love this song ( no pun intended)

Maybe I will never really know what's love,
But when he's around, there's not much above, him.
Maybe love is simply that newly discovered appreciation,
that one may come to terms with in her own situation.

Maybe I will never really know what is love...
But when he's around I feel things that are unheard of.
I'm a little bit in over my head when i close my eyes at night.
Now that my dreams somehow provide a perfect sight, of him.

Maybe i don't need to know what that magical emotion really is,
because right now in my mind I'm accepting what is his.
His happiness is my satisfaction now,
I'm learning something I never knew how, to
give up on the things I want or need most,
because love is a state of mind, something you dont boast.

So maybe I won't ever know what's really love,
But when he's around... He's got me feeling some type of way.

A Promise to You.

2009-01-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

T Mel is a new lady everyone, I hope you're ready for who she is to become.

I was this chic that I was more or less happy with,
Not easily tricked or emotionally tampered with,
Wouldn't stick around too long at the sign of any bull shit....
Never followed anyone but I was the one runnin shit.

I used to be the girl who couldn't hold her tongue,
said things out loud that to some people may have stung,
I'd be the best friend I could be to the people that I love,
held my hand out to those that needed some help rising above.

Now today I'm someone I don't even know,
Saying and doing things that usually result in a "no."
I'm not benefiting at all from any of my unwarranted situations
I've let my heart chastise my mind but today i'm flipping the persuasion.

Time to be the girl I used to be, I'm gonna give my heart rightfully back to me.
I could've been something greater than I even see, but that's not where it's healthy for me to be.
I've become a chic (not even a woman) that is at the will of he, and that is not the me that from which I make my plea.
I let my emotions be controlled by someone else, felt things I've never felt...
but now the levels are too good, so good there somewhere that can't be dealt, with.

So here is my promise to you.

I will be the lady i need to be, the woman I used to be, and someone new to me.
Someone who doesn't give a sh*t about the outsiders looking in,
It's my life and I'll make my very own right or wrong decisions.
I will not be manipulated, friendships will never be stipulated,
I will control me and hope that someday you all will see. That this is the best I can be.

I am a woman of my word, and write now my pen is slicing like a sword,
Through the tears of anger that I've fought but my eyes have long sought
to run dry til I have to ask myself why?
Why were my eyes so wet when without he it'll be easy to forget, not regret.

I am the best thing I could ever be, but unfortunately, you may never get to see.

Because while patience is something I need to learn, sometimes its something that people need to earn.

My promise is simple: I promise not to get in the way, I promise not to let another day...
go by without explaining myself or my actions as i let it all go in itty bitty fractions.
And if in the end i find my way back to this current me, than that is the me that I am meant to be.

With, or without the likes of you.

Good luck in all you do, I really wish happiness on you. That, my friend, is true.

hunger pains

2009-01-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

you know you're kinda nice at the word game when you can write about your hunger pains....

I'm soo hungry right now,
that if you asked me to speak, I might not know how.
I'm craving something so de-lic.
that taste of something I would cherish....

what am I saying?
I just need some sustanance soon,
I need to satisfy my cravings...
I need to eat something cause my stomach's misbehaving!

lol sorry for the funnies.... I just wanted to see what I could come up with.

Disappearing Acts

2009-01-13T13:40:00.000-08:00

So I drove home with best buddy Jarrett on Sunday.. and when we got to Queens he decided to blast Sasha Fierce (I think he wanted to make me think or something)... Disappear starts up.. and I'm really listening to the words.. I got a little worked up.. but then I realized.... Ignore the anxiety building in my throat and just write about it, because yes, there have been pretty unbearable disappearing acts in my recent past.

Disappear - Beyoncé

When I think about it,
I start to realize that I can't cry and there's a good reason why.
You see I can't be mad but only sad, that you're something to me I never really had.

I tried to reach you, and I feel like I could teach you...
Things you didn't know were real and emotions you didn't know you could feel.

But the more I think about it,
The closer I get to feeling like I might lose you, or abuse the idea of "you,"
So instead I let you disappear in the hopes that one day you'd reappear...
Meanwhile I'm deep in despair because my heart no one can even repair!

What do I know?
Just because I feel you doesn't mean either of us will know what to do...
We're too caught up to be two good friends who may not be so tomorrow,

You disappeared, I may disappear... But why not grab my hand and we can disappear?
Ignore the world outside of us, our bond holds based on unique trust.
I trust you, I'm not sure that I should but I see you. I see the you underneath "you."

So when I think about it, you are nearly here,
And I'll always be there....
So take your time, relax your mind and maybe sooner than later you will find,

That a disappearance now will only leave you further behind.

Taking it Easy

2009-01-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

As the story that is TMel unravels on a daily basis, I've noticed a reoccurring theme of racing against the clock in my life. but I think it's time to slow things down, and I realized this while i was at work today stuffing envelopes for 8 hrs.. (talk about slow)..I was listening to young Sammie here and realized that the lyrics to his song Slow are exactly what I need to be striving towards....That being said, enjoy the tune, and here's a few words of my own.

Slow - Sammie

You try to give me everything I need,
You win me even more over with every good deed,
But there comes a time when one must take heed.

Let's slow this down a little bit for a sec,
To give us some time to look back, reflect.
Take it slow, there are things we can disect,
Maybe we can make past mistakes correct.

I long for your body and I'm feeling your touch...
But mostly I want your mind and I hope that's not too much.
Just give me a glimpse of the thoughts that you may clutch,
because I'm dying to know if your feelings can provide for me a crutch.

Slow it down a little bit more,
We really don't know what's in store...
I'm scared to open and walk through a new door.
After all, if we rush through this, what has all this time spent together really been for?

Black and Gold

2009-01-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

So have any of you heard any Sam Sparro songs? This dude is quickly becoming my fav source for songs that perfectly describe my life and it's woes... Anyway, watch the video, listen (REALLY LISTEN) to the lyrics, then read my poem*

If you're not really here,
then the moon doesn't light the night.
The sky remains dark and everyone loses sight,
Of all the things that matter like telling wrong from right.

If you're not really here,
Then I don't wanna be anywhere.
I don't want anyone else to fill your empty space,
Nothing anyone does will help them take your place.

If you're not really here,
Then the days don't seem to change and i have too much time to spare.
My heart beats in irregular rhythms as my soul tries to find the beat,
I'm losing composure after yet another series of defeat.

If you're not really here,
Then there's no reason left to care.
I don't care about the rules I don't care about what's best,
I don't care about giving you up even if you failed my test.

Love is just love, it is not fantasy or perfection..
It's simply broken emotions we can't steer in the right direction.

No Other Love

2008-12-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

No Other Love - John Legend feat. Estelle

I have to stop taking these long breaks, but things have been hectic, and for that I apologize.

Here's my rendition of John John and Estelle's "No Other Love"
In case you're not a fan of my version, the original is here for your entertainment.

I can't hardly sleep without thinking about you,
Don't wanna dream without seeing you,
Cause there's no other love, and no other touch I wanna feel....
Turn me on, turn me on, boy you already know the deal.

I thought I was too young, I'm singing a song I've never sung,
Can you satisfy my craving? I won't sleep til I know you're staying.
Gimme gimme oh so much, I'm holding onto you there's no rush.
Turn me on, turn me on, turn me on.

I'm not sure what you're made of,
Not even sure that you're reall,
But my head's got me convinced that my heart can really feel.
It feels all the emotions you cant seem to show,
and it aches for the love yours is capable to flow.
Turn me on, baby turn me on, cause there's no other love that I'm dreaming of.

No other love, no other touch, gimme gimme oh so much, turn me on, turn me on.

Get out of my head, lay with me instead. Hear my heart beat, just let me feel complete.

Hiatus

2008-10-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

i've been MIA for a little while too long, but I'm back.... Three episodes of Grey's, a birthday and a wedding, and Little old me has Arrived!! Enjoy.

Wishing On A Star (Bonus Mix) - Beyonce

I'm wishing on a star....
Far Far away,
That someone will steal my heart and take all my sorrows away.
That he will piece the parts of my soul back together the right way.
That he will be my true counterpart, and he'll forever stay.

I'm wishing on a star....
That's glistening in the sky,
for a chance to make my claim, a chance to catch his eye.
for a love to last eternity, and make me feel like i can fly.
for a man to hold my hand, and simply kiss goodnight.

I'm wishing on a star....
Tonight and every other.
to bring someone true, the world's greatest lover.
Will I find him? I can only wonder......

Where you are.

American Boy..

2008-08-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

American Boy (Ft. Kanye West) - Estelle ft Kanye West

I know I know, this song isn't new in any way at all but I absolutely love it!!! What girl doesn't want some hottie with a body to take them all over the world but more importantly someone to just kick it wit sometimes?

I haven't been on blogger in a while, (my apologies) but I'm here.. and I wanna put a lil spin on this song..

See I've come to realize I'd appreciate a certain Englishmen..
The Jude Law type that had a gush effect on Cameron,
Diaz that is, in The Holiday they play....
A widowed man of England, an independent from L.A.

Take me to L.A, just to see it.
When we're done, we can leave it.
Fly to London see the rain,
Maybe ride a super train,

We won't stay long, we got the world to see,
Take me far from here I wanna sail a new sea....

Greece to see the Gods and visit the sexy sands,
Let's watch the sunset, while we're holding hands.

How beautiful the sun is when we take the time to watch...
It's heat is extreme but the blue waters cool it a notch.

Take me to Japan I wanna see the busy streets,
that remind me of New York, the city none other beats.

We can see the world in 60 days and it'd be more than enough...
Because time spent with you is precious, a diamond in the rough.

The Stress Is over!

2008-07-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Pressure Featuring Jay-Z (Explicit Album Version) - Lupe Fiasco
Sorry it's been so long!! but i truly have been going insane with the Econ class I had this summer (No Offense to the great Dr Rustici)....but I have said in the past that I'm running with time, and I just wanna say, last night I think we came in tied. (pics to come when I get the chance!)

TFAS has shown a great deal of myself to me,
And I've become more organized than I ever thought I could be.
I've run away from problems that weren't worth the fight,
I've accepted the hardships and placed attainable goals in sight.
A breakfast with the director has opened up a new window,
As we sat and chat about this summer and what we've all been through.
From the most moral to someone slightly off the walls,
I now know that journalism is the path on which my life falls.
To all my IPJers, I'm so proud of where we've come and what we've overcome,
And moreso I'm proud of all the hard work (with given deadlines) that have been done.
To My TFASers, (ie. the roomates that I love,) I'm glad to have spent time with you,
And I wish you the best of look in whatever you set out to do.

We've made it this far, commencement is upon us, smile, they'll all applaud us!

Disappointment from my dream Magazine.

2008-07-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

The New Yorker magazine has for a while now been the magazine in my head where I would hold my own featured political column. Today, I did the usual...opened up CNN.com, went to the politics section, and there it was, a headline I never imagined...

"Obama campaign calls New Yorker cover offensive."

(click here for video commentary)

Here's a few words New Yorker:

Excuse me, New Yorker, forgive my blunt blow,
But have you lost your mind? You've gone overboard this time.

The Obama's on your cover give me an empty chill,
as your lack of cover lines and a description fail to fill.

Actions always have unintended consequences and repercussions,
All this cover does is warrant defensive and extensive future discussions.

Of a country stuck in the past, thinking they're promoting forward movement.
But to many Americans you will learn this cover is mere amusement.

Rumors have in the past stirred about Senator Obama and his wife,
Now your cover may make them real for those unfamiliar with his life.

Polls show voters believe Obama was sworn in on the Quran,
Something already proven false, the day he raised his right hand.

Others believe he really is a Muslim, another false accusation,
Like father not like son, Obama's got his own religious affiliation.

Your cover may be satirical, but now it's embedded in the minds of the hierarchal.

It's one thing to discuss stereotypes, labels, and rumors, but this cover just paints a picture.. a pretty ugly picture at that.

Jesse Jackson Causing Traction.

2008-07-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

I'm here in DC struggling with sleep and I decided to do a little CNN catch-up.... I haven't been proactive in the news for the last 12 hours and I needed to know what's going on! And low and behold...the first headline I see... jackson apologizes for 'crude' Obama remarks.

(jesse jackson that is.)

We all make mistakes and sadly only one on air is all it really takes.

JJ said some words that were meant to be a whisper,
Now he's apologizing to the Next White House Mr.
Speaking for Fox....I'd say mistake number one..JJ let slip a statement that can't be undone.
It's a presidential campaign and we're making history, do us a favor JJ and put aside your misery.
Don't slip when the critic's got you in their grip.
Resist your usual criticism and fight the urge for cynicism.

Ever wonder why it so conveniently works out that the wrongs make airtime but the rights get no time?

I do....and I always wonder if politics will ever be new.
So I cross my fingers and hope Mr. Obama is true.
Because old politics threaten our freedom, and this means yours too.

Patriotism Rings Loud Now

2008-06-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

There was a time when Americans white and black alike hated the direction of this nation,

Protests being held at many a courthouse and many a station,
Against rulings in the Sean Bell case, or even the Iraq War many say is a disgrace.
But 2008 brings us to a new day, where Patriotism is alive and it's fighting its way,
Into the heart's of all Americans who in the White House they wish Obama to stay.
No he's not there yet and the lack of a flag pin led the public to unfairly sway
In a direction against him but now approaches Independence Day.
Obama gives a speech in Independence days before this country's Independence,
And a man many hesitate to give fair play,
Is leading the polls in every possible way.
A few more months and he'll be there to stay,
But he's made a vow that rang truly loud today.
To never question anyone's patriotism in any way,
Obama respects all and his acceptance will provide his greatest pay.

Music is Politics

2008-06-20T13:23:00.001-07:00

this oil painting is a beautiful creation of the artist, LeeVasu...check him out)

Lost - Sock The Rapper

I woke up this morning feeling like I was forgetting something... And then I remembered my dream, (slightly).

I had a dream that I was the world's greatest performer
and I was singing about the Man and the failures of our former,
Yes Bush was no more and the Man was standing in the corner,
Admiring my vocals as I belted out in his honor...

"Mr. President I admire your strength and your courage
You came out on top and never could have been discouraged!"

My words came out like a freestyle, a spoken word art form,
And then the chorus interrupted and the crowd rumbled like a storm.

"Fail me not Mr. President, You have come with great precedence, I believe you'll reverse...the sins/bought on us in the past, but Neverrrr again..."

Then I woke with a teary blink..
Strange choice of lyrics, wouldn't you think?
Sing beautiful words I hope will sink in,
But I think I'm questioning the mentioned sin...

What was it? I'm not sure I'm convinced that my head I was in,
But when I opened my eyes I thought of it again...
Juneteenth came and went, do you know of that event?
Probably not, I believe it's something the prevented by our government...

Too bad though, half of us aren't interested enough to find out,
What a day so significant may have actually been about..
Happy Juneteenth I gracefully shout out...
Then I hit my pillow again and I'm out for the count...

TIME Magazine did a spread on Juneteenth, brush up on your African American history.
Oh and of course the less complex poetic form of this post can be found at thekonera.blogspot.com.

If I Have My Way

2008-06-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

If I Have My Way - Chrisette Michele

So I went searching for a song my friend* praised in her aim status and couldn't find it.. but I found this beautiful song that I sadly forgot about in my bitter state... but this is how I feel.... Underneath it all...

If I had my way...
I would've lied that day.
You know, the day I told you to stay?
"Stay with me baby I need you today."
Do you remember?

Probably not...
At this point in time I wasn't aware I got "got."
That was pretty good mr. big shot,
But guess what? I'm still hott.

Hotta than you will ever again know,
I'm rising to the top, and I'm poetry's greatest show.
You had to go, I know...
Life isn't fair, it's meant to blow.

But at the end of the day I'm still meant to love,
and no one's gonna stop me from stayin above.
I'm above you and all you're made of,
So far above I'm soarin next to a beautiful white dove.

Sadness burdens me but love is still within me...
And if I have my way, in love is what I'll soon be.

I'd rather a bullet

2008-06-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to the good ol' twin a second ago and I was trying to describe this pain in my back that shoots down my right leg and I found myself saying:

"I'd seriously rather a bullet because at least then it could be removed!"

Talk about dramatic right?

SO, that being said, enjoy (p.s..these poems are all the creations of a vivid mind, take it how u like, im not crazy nor suicidal. I Promise.)

Shoot Me!
Rid me of this pain and agony,
Put me out of my unfortunate misery!
It's quick and easy trust me...
Just pull the trigger and put a bullet where I need it to be.
Pierce my heart and leave me not one negative emotional memory.
But please don't kill me.
You see,
A bullet to me is a shot worth taking temporarily.
Do you follow me? I'm not insane I'm just telling you that I'm ready.
Shoot me.
I'd seriously rather a bullet that a surgeon can see.
Than deal with this pain from which comes absolute uncertainty.

Where is the wound that is causing me to bleed?
Make it stop and shoot me with a miracle seed.
Maybe a pill to give me what I need?
Relief from devastation that which this pain has begun to feed.

Just shoot me.
It'll all be over shortly.

Back to Poetry

2008-06-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I blessed this page with some poetry, sorry my gracious people. But I'm back, no matter how busy things may be, I am back. (I hope I still got it!)

You spoke to me one day and you touched my soul.
It was something I never felt, like the filling of a hole.
You warmed me up after I'd forever been cold..
And my heart you managed to be granted permission to hold.

But now where are you?
Is there something I was supposed to do?
What's changed your presence, or should I ask who?
If I'd been holding my breath, I'd be way past blue.

Don't apologize, don't say anything at all.
It was my mistake to even begin to fall.
You vanished from my life, without even a call.
You must have had a blast, Tell me was it a ball?

Don't apologize, don't answer my questions.
I just have a couple of quick suggestions.
You know for your future plans of lethal injections.
Injections that in my experience have caused many infections.

Infections that spread throughout my blood and poisoned my heart,
Closed my mind to any type of stable start.
Your treachery is a great work of art.
I hope you cherish your achievement of tearing me apart.

But wait... I'm the poet...
Cliche it may be but maybe you just don't know it.
You've made me an artist and now I get to show it.
It being the greatness that came when you managed to blow it.

Stay absent, stay silent, stay a mystery.
Your not being here is adding to my perfect misery.
I missed the pen but I'm back making history.
As the woman who came out defeated, and claimed that was her greatest victory.

Still Hot

2008-06-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

This is how hot it is in DC right now....

Yes, that is an ad outside of a make up shop promoting a give away of cold water...
DC is outta control and I love it.

DC Blaze

2008-06-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

I've finally made it to DC, but it seems all the people I was expecting to see are either not in DC, or too far for my touristy self to wander off and find them... Smh.. Here is a list of what to expect if ever for any reason you'll be spending summertime in DC
: extreme heat and humidity starting from 9am and lasting until 4am (just round up and say 24 hours)
:random heat lightning storms and torrential down pours in one neighborhood but not the next
:AlphabetCity??? (Georgetown and downtown DC streets are letters, ie M,N,O,P...)
:(Georgetown specified), Steep Hills that would be great for skiing were there snow and maybe no ongoing traffic at the bottom of those hills on Wisconsin....
:Good eats, from American to Pizzeria's, and great shopping, (I walked by the Rugby store today)
:History and Monuments, beautiful estates and pretty old buildings.
:Mule-drawn boat rides?? Yes, I saw this today, no lie...
:And finally,.... I see ants everywhere!! NYC doesn't really see ants anymore, they've been replaced by other unfriendly's.
It's only day 2 so there is more to come, but I will leave you with this; I miss my City!!

Something Special

2008-06-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

Usher's album is here people!!!

Let me start by apologizing for posting this days after the album dropped... but I am guilty of being extremely justifiably too busy to truly sit down and listen to all the tracks on Usher's latest. But can I just say that Usher had me at the Intro. I usually listen to the intro on an album for less than a minute, but I let it play out, because Usher's heart is bleeding hard on that track.... as I soon came to realize for the following 16 tracks. He managed to write a sexual song that becomes completely emotional!! Only USHER can get away with that.... but he's clearly hurting bad right now... or in his words, he's "got it bad." I've decided I'm not putting up the whole album because first of all, nobody is going to sit on my blog and play each track, take ya @ss and buy the album! Secondly, I'd much rather just share my favorite track from the album, so I listened to the whole thing through, felt rather indifferent to all the tracks combined. When I got to 7 I decided to skip 8 and go to 17 and work my way back... It wasn't until I got back to 8 that I found it.. My favorite track... my "Something Special".... enjoy a peek at Usher's beautiful poetry, he's not afraid to confess his love for a simplistic woman... Ladies we don't have to be couture at the supermarket ya know...

Something Special - UsherP.s. This could have easily been named Confessions: Part 3

2008-06-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

So I realized I'm really bad at taking pictures so once I get to D.C. I'm going to work really hard on correcting that. in the meantime, lemme just give you a sample (stolen from an unknown source) of what I did this weekend... Traveling down to atlantic city on saturday to see the bad-ass bill maher stand up at the Borgata then speeding home at 2 am to NY arriving at 4:30 after putting 10 on my brother's hand at the black jack table (i got back 30..), seeing Sex and the City with the sisters and Mom in a random theatre in Great Neck alll the way in the front row..... Completely Worth it!!!!

I'm exhausted!

2008-05-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

I'm Exhausted from the previous weekend, am I ready for memorial day weekend? I'm finally in New York but my buddies are M.I.A, so what am I gonna do? *Sighs, oh well. I'll figure something out. In the meantime, I'm spending money I don't have, unemployed in NYC, and having the time of my life, having Gelato, and seeing supposed to be history action-packed sci-fi films like Indie Jones and the Crystal Skull. (don't see it unless u like aliens in movies b.t.w.) So here's some words about exhaustion.

Exhaustion is an understatement in my eyes
But sleeping in late is an action I find wise.
Finished the column last night and watched 2 hours of greatness.
Miss Meredith Grey and me have a certain sameness.
We're disguised as bitter realists while deep down we're hopeless romantics,
and when we want to, we show emotion will burning candle wicks.
I cried a little bit I can't even lie,
but cheesy stuff always bring tears to my eyes.
I hope next season is phenomenal because greatness is overdue, until then,
stay tuned...

Grey's Anatomy

Day 1

2008-05-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

So we make it to Hollywood but we can't head to Miami until Trish and Ernst, (sis and beau), make it to Hollywood.. We have 4 hours to kill, what the hell are we gonna do?? So mom let me drive the Jeep Laredo (had to snap a shot of me pushin an SUV with a USB Key?? I was excited. But wait, we had no idea where we were going, so onto US 1 we went.
Driving along US 1, we run into the cutest ever ice cream parlor!

Jaxon's was so old fashioned we got excited and pulled in. When we got inside, rows of old tables and antique chairs lined the dining room, but the walls were covered with license plates and keepsakes that were too much to photograph lol (sorry guys.) but the menu was great, Actually, too great.

Now I don't wanna load you up with photos but I have to show you the sundae we had, it was incredibly delectable. It was the perfect combination of pound cake, home made chocolate and vanilla ice cream, just the right amount of whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and 2 cherries on top, one for twinzie, and one for me! (sorry mom,) If in Fort Lauderdale catch a movie or a concert on Hollywood Blvd, then turn your asS around and head to US 1 and you'll find the best fantasy escape land on your left. You won't be disappointed.